When you can take no more......

[Guest]

Having being a full time carer for 15 years to my hausband who has Parkinsons with dementia, I can take no more.
We have loads of support from medics, SS etc. They have given extensive rolling respite, daycare and home help but I can't take anymore. I'm a zombie and want my live back.
He is not quite ready for residential care, although SS will agree to this route.....he won't.
If I walk out he will probablly be forced into care but I run the risk of losing my portion of the house which I've worked many years for. I will have to support myself from savings until I get a job as I've no income.
We have tried for 9 months to make this work but it doesn't, there are numurous things that make it unworkable.
Many will think this heartless, but I am realativly young, sick of living on anti depressants, being suicidal.
Do I walk away and create a new life?? Or stick it to a life of misery for both of us??

[charles47]

Hi Beth, and welcome to the forum. I feel for you - this is such an awful situation to be in, and such a difficult situation to deal with. Your stress levels must be through the roof.

You have every right to choose what to do. Nobody else can choose for you - not even your husband. It's a difficult choice to make, and it's hard for anyone else to advise you, because only you can know how you feel, and how your husband feels.

All I can suggest is that you try (assuming for the moment that you haven't already) to discuss it with your husband to explain how hard it is for you. Remember that you have a right to choose not to provide any care at all. If you want to remain his wife but not his nurse, tell him how you feel about it. If you have already done this and he is unwilling to accept it, you may need to take the next step - and explain to him that this is what you are doing, of course.

At the end of the day, if you choose to stop caring, you do not have to leave home. Instead, talk to the social worker about the situation and make it clear that as of (for example) Monday next you will no longer be able to offer any form of care for your husband. That will set things in motion, but be aware that there may be some attempt to "encourage" you to change your mind - you need to be firm on this if you really do mean it.

The only other thing I will say is only you can speak up for your own needs. Nobody else will, unless you do it first. You may want to contact your local carers centre - there are quite a few in the Midlands and it depends where you live as to which one is best.

Follow this link: http://www.carersuk.org/Information/Fin ... anisations

It will help you to find (hopefully) a local service to provide direct advocacy- someone to help you to state your case and make sure you're not forced into something you don't want.

Best of luck.

[izzywizz]

Beth, my heart goes out to you, I know EXACTLY how you feel. When it became aparent that my husband would need a high level of care, I said I couldn't do it, our marriage was already on rocky ground because of trust issues. I was only 50 and felt there was so much I wanted to do now that the kids were grown up. I was persuaded by constant pressure from SS and by lack of urgency by departments involved, I capitulated. Nearly eight years later, I'm caring, albeit with help twice a day for 15 mins, in a specially built extension, which means, in the words of SS "he can continue to live in his own home".....I have no life of my own, no income, and if I leave, no home, I am constantly at the beck and call of someone whom I no longer love..his betrayal broke my heart years ago.
Yes, the happy pills make life tolerable, but with no quality.
I wish you the best, but there are no easy answers.

Sorry for the rant...I've recently found out Staffs have no intention of keeping care and respite homes open, and are no longer taking booking for respite next year. Life sucks sometimes..

[Scally]

Yes, you must walk away and breathe fresh air for the first time. We do not have a duty to care...it only works if it is voluntary and given of freedom. Life begins at:
a) 30
b) 40
c) 50
d) 60
e) 70

strike out those which do not apply.

[kenm]

Hi Beth

Charles has given you great advice--I can only add that from my own experience after 37 years of caring-- the longer you leave it the harder it is to walk away or even let some of the care role go to outsiders.

Only you can make the decisions- but if you are feeling this now --how will you feel a few more years down the line??

I wish I had found the courage years ago-then I wouldn't be feeling trapped and resentful as I do now--a new life and new hope has popped up for me but because my family expect me to carry on till I drop-I can't take it-without losing my family.

I wish you well in whatever you do.
Ken

[Guest]

Hi Beth: Charles is right, only you can make that decision, i cared for my dear mother fulltime for nearly twenty years on my own, in life we have to make sacrifices, mine was to care for my mother, i would never have allowed her to go into a carehome, she died last october.
I have found people are very nice and understanding when it comes to making those sort of decisions, the carers forums are very useful.
Staying with someone because of pity or because of what other people think is a no no, that would only hurt the person more if they knew you were staying out of pity and not love, you must make your choice and stick to it, we are all diffrent, we all here on this forum wish you all the best and our thoughts are with you.

Tonyxx

[CB]

Dear Beth

This must be the hardest decision ever and I really feel for you. To have cared for someone for 15 years is no mean feat, something that many people would have shied away from. I can't imagine the strain this has put on you. No wonder you feel that you cant take any more. I dont think anyone would think you heartless for walking away. Be strong and remember you have a right to a life outside of being a carer.
Good luck and I hope whatever decision you make that it's the right one for you.

Lots of love

CB

[rosemary]

Hi Beth,

Other members have given you so much good advice.The only thing I would add is to use this forum to get as much support for yourself till such time you do make a decision.

Whichever way you decide is going to be hard and you will need as much support as you can get.

My heart goes out to you.

Rosemary
x x x