When The Dynamics Of A Relationship Change

[Sarniajoy]

My husband to whom I have been married for 39 years is now disabled after suffering a brain haemorrhage in December 2006. He was a very intelligent, strong and assertive man, who was in complete control of our business affairs and finances. I ran the home but left the rest up to him, which suited me just fine. Now he cannot act in that role anymore and we both hate the change in the dynamics of our relationship. He gets very frustrated, and on bad days he feels it would have been better if he had died. On those days when it is like living with someone with mild dementia, I agree with him!

How do others cope with this sort of life changing scenario?

[Myrtle]

I am in the same position with my oh, though he did not have a stoke and I wish I could give you a magic spell to help you through this, but I can't.
But you do get used to being the person in charge, who does absolutely everything. some days it gets pretty heavy, but you learn to cope.
On the up side, you do get to realise how much you can actually cope with and do that would have made you run away screaming at one time

[Sarniajoy]

Fortunately our eldest daughter has taken over our financial and business affairs as I am unequal to the task. We would be up the creek without a paddle with me at the helm!

[Myrtle]

good job you have her then

[Guest]

I agree that you do just adapt, what was terribly difficult to deal with practically and emotionally in the beginning becomes normal and you rarely think about how very different your life is, you even stop missing the friends that vanished when you could no longer do things with them, you realise that they were never true friends in the first place and you cherish the friends that have remained all the more. It's a strange, solitary and probably very difficult and dysfunctional life, although you eventually cease to be aware of this, but you can find acceptance and contentment, it's within you, you just need a find a way of accessing it or perhaps it just comes with time.

[Sarniajoy]

I agree that you do just adapt, what was terribly difficult to deal with practically and emotionally in the beginning becomes normal and you rarely think about how very different your life is, you even stop missing the friends that vanished when you could no longer do things with them, you realise that they were never true friends in the first place and you cherish the friends that have remained all the more. It's a strange, solitary and probably very difficult and dysfunctional life, although you eventually cease to be aware of this, but you can find acceptance and contentment, it's within you, you just need a find a way of accessing it or perhaps it just comes with time.

Most of my husband's erstwhile colleagues have deserted him now he is disabled. He finds that hard. We have never had a large circle of friends, just not us, but we are so fortunate that we have a very supportive family. Our children do as much as they can to ease our burden. Naturally we try not to put upon them too much as that would be very unfair, they have their own families and responsibilities.

[D0r0thyG]

You certainly know who your friends are when your life changes like this. I don't think they mean to do it, they just start dwindling and then you see nobody at all. It's like "them" and "us" isn't it?

You have to get a new circle of friends. Probably, folk that have the same thing in common. But it's difficult finding them when you are struggling to get your life together.

I have the same problem Sarniajoy.

[threewheeledcrumpet]

How good that your family are supportive - we never hear from any of ours, on either side, despite many efforts on our part to re-establish relationships. I do feel for you. Our position is different, as we are caring for our teenage son, but I understand only too well about changing dynamics. I hope that you do find things begin to gel. When I married I was very naive and expected that men took care of everything, but my husband, who is enormously capable and practical in every other way, turned out to be hopeless with paperwork. It amazes me how far I've come in managing the household - but it's never perfect, and there are always times of deep frustration !

[Sarniajoy]

You certainly know who your friends are when your life changes like this. I don't think they mean to do it, they just start dwindling and then you see nobody at all. It's like "them" and "us" isn't it?

You have to get a new circle of friends. Probably, folk that have the same thing in common. But it's difficult finding them when you are struggling to get your life together.
I have the same problem Sarniajoy.

My husband wouldn't be interested in meeting people with disabilities, it would emphasise the fact that he is disabled!

[Joy]

O.K. Let's find a bit of positive thinking here! There has to be some thing we can feel cheerful about. Today I did some gardening - wouldn't have been able to do that before. Many of us could try growing a few flowers or veggies. Then theres the career change without having to submit a lying C.V. Also I've started to make greetings cards not very good ones, well rubbish really, but I AM getting better. I'm not really the artistic type, still, come to that I'm not the caring/nursing type iether! (Some are born to Caring and others have Caring thrust upon them.) I'm the latter.