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What gets to me most -Carers UK Forum

What gets to me most

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Hi,
My husband's health is going downhill. I have come to terms with it and I give it my 100% every day to do as much as I can to keep him comfortable and to keep our home smoothly running.
What gets to me most and really really hurts is the way he often speaks to me. He can be so cutting and unfair. Today he said all I think about is myself. This is totally out of order. The truth is my whole days centre around him and our two dogs. My conscience is clear, I do the level best I can. I don't complain I just accept that this is how things are. Quite often he is abrupt, he snaps and he undermines my confidence.

I can cope with a lot of hard work but I truly truly am so hurt by this attitude of his. If I retaliate then it turns into a row and he keeps telling me to shut up. I don't deserve this hardly anyone knows I have to put up with this verbal hurt. Otherwise he is a decent man and we do love each other.
Hi Mandie,
It is very common for carees to only be able to see things from their own point of view - its certainly true in my hubbies case Image - and it can be extremely hurtful when the person you love says terrible things to you, it has reduced me to tears at times. Its undermining and makes you doubt yourself, even when you know its not justified.
Tough love is called for here, even though its difficult. Its no good trying to reason with them - they cannot see it from your point of view, so when the verbal abuse starts you just have to say that you are not prepared to accept this and walk out of the room.
god Mandie, I could have wrote the very same words! and crocus is right , it hurts and there is no point in reasoning with them, in my OH case his pain and frustration can be heard in the way he speaks and answers me, short , sharp , cutting and constantly sounds agitated. I ask myself a thousand times a day.."why do I bother?" ...its just adds to the cr*p you are already having to deal with. it really somedays is a case of : i say black, he says white ..lol .
No you dont deserve this, no one does, and crocus is right, take a stand and turn around and distance yourself, i do now, i switch off , i am just too exhausted these days to spend the energy arguing, which only results in feeling negative about yourself, you are so not alone
take care x x
Mandie, like the others, I also experience this and it is so hard to cope with. Many a time I feel like packing up and clearing out but of course that is not going to happen so will continue to give 100%. I have been reduced to tears many times and hope I can learn not to feel so bad, it saps confidence and really is exhausting.

It does help a wee bit to know that others also experience this, although I wish it wasn't like this.xx
"Whatever!"

I must say that more often in a week than anything else.

There was a time I felt like walking away, but realised it was a combination of side effects from hubby`s medication that was making him like Jekyll and Hyde.

Both hubby and dad are former army parade ground "yellers" barking the orders comes naturally to them both. I remember when we were all living in the same house where "follow last orders" was the order of the day stunning them both by barking out "Shut up...both of you....we`re not on the parade ground now" as I stormed out the kitchen.xx
Thanks all, I feel better now.
When I think of how much physically has to be done I could cry, if I was the crying sort. As it is I just get on with things but I really feel it cutting into my heart when he says unfair things to me. Generally he apologises later and all is well again.
It is a lonely thing being a carer.
I'm experiencing this from my mum at the moment, it's so disheartening, you do all that you can and it's thrown back in your face. Can't even have a break as no one else is prepared to do what I do for mom, family don't want to know.

Really wish I had a magic wand.

(((HUGS))))
Hi,
he does not mean it. He always regrets it and apologises. Yet day to day, it is hard to be doing your best and yet being spoken to in a terrible tone of voice and feeling unappreciated. It comes from a place of fear from the person you are caring for, they feel increasingly out of control and vulnerable.
Hi Mandie, My mum in law had Alzheimers and father in law found it hugely difficult, since MIL had always waited on him hand and foot. When he would complain about the things she said or did - which he wrongly saw as being deliberately difficult - I suggested that when this happened, he thought of it as the illness talking, not mother. She was the kindest person you could ever wish to meet, we never had a cross word in over 30 years, and he knew that, deep down.
Hi Mandy

I've only being caring full time since June, and I too feel as though I've been punched in the stomach when mum says dead hurtful, and unfair, things to me.
Just yesterday, and it sounds silly, she accused me of never doing the dishes, and that she has to do them.
I felt like exploding with the unfairness of that accusation, and felt light headed with the effort not to. I spend hours working out delicious meals to stimulate her appetite, cooking them, etc. When we've finished eating either me, or my dad, immediately do the dishes. On a few occasions, my mum has insisted on doing them. I've let her. But she does such an awful job that, when she's gone to bed, I've had to re-do them.
To then be accused of never doing them was very hurtful.
What I really wanted to do was pick up the washing up bowl full of our breakfast stuff, throw it on the floor, smash every plate in sight like some manic Greek dancer, and yell at her, "You stupid cow! If it wasn't for me, you'd have starved to death by now. And you're a rubbish washer upper too... so there!"
But I didn't (nice imagery though!) I swallowed these evil (but nice) thoughts, saying to myself, "Mum doesn't know what she's saying, mum doesn't know what she's saying," a bit like Dorothy from the Wizard of OZ (I'll have to get me some ruby slippers.)
Instead, I smiled sweetly at her, and said, "I'll do them straight away," which they always are done, anyway.
Dad could see I was upset, and with mock severity, told me to go tidy my room, he'd do the dishes today.
As soon as I'd escorted mum, who refuses point blank to use her wonderful walking sticks, safely to her chair, I dived off to my room and had a good blub.

I find having a good blub works wonders for me. As soon as I've finished blubbing I can see more clearly.
I can 'see' that mum didn't mean it, she's just trying to assert some control back, and who can blame her! She's used to being a matriarch, but her Spirit Wanderings and her awful arthritis means this role she's had for nearly 60 years is slipping from her grasp. The dishes aren't the issue, her losing the only role in life she's ever know is. A bit of her must view me as supplanting her when I'm not, I'm just trying to help her.
So, the next time she accuses me of 'stealing' her duvet covers, not doing the dishes or not keeping her company enough (I've forced myself to like Aussie soaps and Count Down; draw the line at Emmerdale, though), or whatever else she accuses me of, I'll keep that in mind.

Still won't stop me from wanting to strangle her on occasions, but my head clearing blub sessions will hopefully prevent me from committing matricide.

"I didn't mean to do it Detective Sargent So & So, but she accused me of not doing the dishes when I bloody well do."

Told you it was silly!

Maybe a few blub sessions would help you too. Tears are there for a reason, and not just to annoy us when we peel onions. Must look up tears on the internet when mum's dozing.