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We can't cope and don't want home help - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

We can't cope and don't want home help

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Unfortunately it all comes down to money. If you have enough between you to pay for her care then you get to decide. If not and the council have to contribute they will always look at the cheapest option. Unless you can show that a care home is the only route then they will always try to push you into home care, and providing a minimum of that too. Nobody HAS to care for a relative and it might sadly come down to you stating very clearly that you can't have her living with you anymore.

As someone else mentioned, definitely get the GP involved, especially if you think there might be a diagnosis of dementia waiting in the wings as this will definitely give you ammunition. I would say though that with the dementia diagnosis, you'll need to be sure that the home you'd like to use is suitable for her long term. Even if the council agreed to pay towards her care, they might give you a choice of places that you don't like. You can then choose to top up this money to give you options that you'd be happy with but they'd have to do a full financial assessment for her before they put their hands in their pockets at all.

Wishing you well with it all, you sound exhausted.
Hi All,

Since my initial post soon after my mum was given 4 weeks respite care at the home of her choice.
Following that my wife had her operation come through. She is quite seriously ill and after the op would need months of recovery.
So with all this combined I took the decison to refuse mum back to my home. She is still in the home.
The social worker is not very understanding and is obviously looking to win a battle rather than the best interests of my mum and my family.
Now respite is over care home is chasing us for the money and SS are saying they are not liable to pay as they did not agree to it.
Bottom line is that the care home is culturally appropriate and that even with my wife going into hospital she cannot look after mum anymore due to emotional and physical issues and a young son in the mix.
If I add up the home care plan the SS suggested for us then this is the close to the same as the cost of the care home.
Just to be clear I can contribute a small amount each week but neither my mum or I can afford the weekly costs.

As far as I know the Council have a duty of care and she is technically homeless. The home, who are great also have a duty of care. I have explained this to SS but as usual they are looking at the numbers plus this social worker is a disgrace to the profession.
I need SS to make an assessment of my mum at the care home along with a financial one.
Agreed. It will be tough, but stick to your guns, and if I was you, I'd keep quiet about you making any financial contribution.
Now that mum has been there four weeks, the home can tell Social Services exactly what care mum needs.
Do you have Power of Attorney for mum?
If so then write a "Subject Access Request" to Social Services and ask for copies of everything they hold on you and mum for the last year. They have 4 weeks to respond.
I hope you wife is enjoying the quiet in the house. Encourage her to take very very gentle walks, even if it's just 100 yards and back, every day. I've had 8 operations, some pretty awful, and walking even at a snails pace just helps improve the circulation and aid healing.
Feel proud of being able to care for mum at home for as long as you did.
Thanks for the reply.
I do not have POA. Never felt we needed it. What will a 'subject access request' benefit?
To be clear my wife is going into hospital next week.
The problem is that there appears to be no movement with the SS. I have recently asked that they do an assessment at the home but I think they are sitting on it now she is in the home. It is now 6 weeks in the home.
The problem is the social worker. The one and only visit to our home in July, myself, my wife and mum appeared to look quite well. But that does not hide the fact that my wife is in daily agony and that my mum cannot be left alone in the house coupled with the fact that she had soiled the floor not long before. The social worker is insistent that we take a care plan at home and review the situation. Something we did not want but at the time had no choice. Although we did refuse carers entering our house. We have a young son and we feel it is not appropriate.
Soon after the visit the care home had a place (respite or permanent, which was very fortunate). After mum went in my wifes operation appointement came through, so I took the decision to not allow mum back. The social worker had the cheek to accuse my wife of knowing this and of always planning to refuse my mum back. Disgraceful unprofessional behaviour.

I guess my question is how can I force the hand of SS to talk with the home and to have her assessed financially and in the care home sooner rather than later. I need to know the process and any legalities so that I can fight this better, so any info on here would be appreciated.
The care home is chasing us for the money but I am not liable for the cost. Mum is (and has no money).
The social worker also told my wife that they are not liable to pay as they did not agree for mum to stay beyond 4 weeks. Is that correct?
I have emailed my local councillor too. Not sure that will be any good.
The Subject Access Request is useful so that you can check how much the social worker has done.
Is it enough? is it accurate?
Does it show an element of urgency etc. etc.
I strongly suspect that she has actually done little or nothing!!!
Incidentally, the Ombusdsman says assessments should be completed within 6 weeks!
Just to underline the point that BB made: assessments should be carried out within 6 weeks, from initial enquiry to delivery of completed assessment and commencement of relevant services.

It isn't a legal requirement, but the Ombudsman has made it clear that any complaints they handle will automatically find maladministration unless there are extenuating circumstances.

A few extra points: under the Care Act you have the right to refuse to provide care. That is an absolute. If the social worker is trying to make you provide care, it's a breach of the Care Act. I'd also argue it's a breach of the Human Rights Act, but that's not important at this stage.

There are currently no circumstances in which social services can avoid their responsibilities for your mother.
Thank you all for the replies. Very useful.
It is now 8 weeks since SS first visit and the initial assessment was produced within 6 weeks. So the second 6 week review I assume is not due yet.
The SW is dogmatic about following the process. Take home care first, review, increase home care, review again and so on. Not listening to the best interests of my mum and the best interest of the family. She would probably say that she is not forcing us to provide care as she has offered a care plan that does that. But we are saying that my mother needs 24 hour care. The care home and their GP state the same all day and night care. She cannot be left alone.
At the time we had no choice but as soon as a respite place became available at the culturally appropriate care home we soon realised that if we did not try to get permamnent residency we would possibly wait a year or more. But this was not deliberate when my mum first went in. Only when my wifes op came up we decided that an unhealthy situation would get worse.
This is not social work but number crunching, so a subject access request appears to be a good move.
Happy to help.

Remember the situation has CHANGED and therefore a new assessment is required, regardless of any time scales.

your wife has had major surgery, from what I gather, and is going to need months to recover. I had one op that took 3 years to recover, so I know that she MUST put her needs first, and so must you.
However, and this is very important, that means you are now a carer for your wife. Previously there were 2 of you to care for mum, now essentially there is simply no spare time to do anything other than work and look after your wife!

Your mum has very special needs as far as language is concerned. Whilst SSD are offering home carers, I bet they don't understand mum's language and culture?! This will leave you as interpreter explainer, you don't have time.

Make it very clear that even if mum is delivered back to your house YOU WILL NOT LET HER IN.

I know this sounds terrible, but I had to tell mum's hospital this. They told me when I needed to be at mum's to let the hospital bed in. I didn't go over. The ward sister was furious with me, but I don't have to do what she or anyone else tells me to.

By nature I'm a helpful person but if someone tries on things like that my eldest son says they will meet what he calls "The other mum", usually followed by "God help them!". I'm not rude, just start using long words and legal language.

I once reclaimed £8,000 back for mum from Hampshire CC as they hadn't applied the rules properly. Another bully tamed.

I know the Equality Act talks about making "reasonable adjustments" for disabled people. Might be worth finding out what it says about helping those with cultural special needs too? Where would the next nearest home be to the one mum is in, that could meet her needs? If it's a long way and you couldn't visit that would contravene the Human Right to a "normal family life" as far as possible.
Thanks again for that insight.
To be clear my wife is going for the op this week.
I was aware but am now living the fact that 'care in the community' is about saving money and having family members take the burden. Some want to care for their loved ones at home, others don't or cannot.
There is no best interests of the family or the patient.