Struggling to cope...

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Hi everyone, I'm a carer for my husband who has stage IV cancer. Its hard enough struggling with his illness but it's his attitude and temper that's making it worse. Before he got ill, he was generally a bad tempered, depressive person so as you can imagine, he's 10 times worse now. I am trying my best but he makes life even more difficult than it has to be - I'm patient with him but have to bite my lip. I am now struggling with stress and anxiety, I lost both my parents in the last couple of years too which adds to all the stress, I am not really over their deaths. We don't live near family so I don't get a break from him, even if I go for a walk for some fresh air, he thinks I'm 'abandoning' him. Does anyone else feel like this? I am normally a very positive, happy person but all this is taking its toll. I don't want anti depressants off the doctor, I think they make you worse. He thinks that if he suffers, I should should be suffering with him... he is very bitter. How do other's carer's cope with this situation? He won't have the macmillan nurses in to help either, he thinks its my job to look after him xx
Hi Amanda
His attitude certainly seems selfish, particularly the comment that you should suffer if he does. I'm amazed you've stood it so long. No wonder you are stressed and anxious.
Personally I think you could look into counselling. I'm currently doing online CBT self referred as my nhs area offers this free and only awaited a couple of weeks to start.
You could also look into learning to be more assertive. There's plenty online to help you
Must dash out now, sorry
Thanks Mrs A, I'll look into that - he's still being bad tempered, he just had a right moan because I cut his toast into triangles and not squares! It's hard to deal with, he's ill so I think I should just try and tolerate him but at the same time, he's stressing me out far more than is necessary :( Most carer's seem so capable, like Florence Nightingale or something... I feel like I'm the only one that seems to struggle xx
AMANDA_1708 wrote:
Wed Sep 27, 2017 5:21 pm
Most carer's seem so capable, like Florence Nightingale or something... I feel like I'm the only one that seems to struggle xx
don't believe it Amanda, most of us are like swans - gliding on the surface but feet churning like mad underneath !
Carers don't have any training, we've all had to learn 'on the job' so's to speak - heck, none of us even 'applied' for the job, it just sort of landed in our laps with no warning :shock:

We all struggle, so you're definitely among friends here :)
People who don't know me too well say I'm doing marvellously?! If only they knew. I put my lippy and perfume on and that seems to give others the feeling I'm ok.
You are among friends here, most have wanted to scream, run away etc. It's very natural. Vent as much as you need x
Hi Amanda
I don't believe that a physical illness is an excuse to be bad tempered all the time. Yes there will be down days and painful days but I do think your husband could be cheerier on other days, if only for you.
Have a read up on assertiveness then try saying what you want and need from him. Start with something small.
Also when's he's being particularly nasty just walk away for a while. You don't have to take abuse.
Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies :) It makes me feel so better to know I'm not alone. The hospital are arranging for a palliative care nurse to start coming in to help and the district nurses are going to come in 3 times a week instead of once, hopefully with the extra help I won't be so stressed!
I'm also one for putting on my make up (war paint) every day ready for the battles ahead! Other people think I look well, underneath I just want to crawl under a blanket and stay there! It's ironic that my husband never had time for people who were ill, he never even wanted to visit his brother after he had a stoke. Now he's ill himself, he thinks the whole world should revolve around him... I understand how scared and depressed he must feel, he just doesn't understand the affect his illness has on others. He's never had empathy for other people so I guess its too much to expect that from him now. I've decided to be more assertive with him, maybe it will shake him up a bit :) xx