Verbal Abuse

[joyhibbs]

Please can you tell me if you have any advice on what I can do in this situation

I care full-time for a member of my family

A relative comes to visit the person I care for. Over a period of months/years, the visiting relative has subjected me to verbal abuse and I have reached a point today where I cannot take it any more.

I have been called vile, a bitch, pathetic (repeatedly), and was told today I am mentally unstable. The person also said "You're so childish - would you like to sit on my lap?" today

I have never responded with any verbal insults in return - it is a one-sided exchange.

I have politely requested over the phone that the person phones shortly before they come to visit - this is to allow me to absent myself / get out of the house. They refuse to do so and just arrive - so I am here when they arrive because they arrive with no prior warning "I can visit when I like etc" thye say.

The relative I care for has witnessed all the verbal abuse but still loves the visiting relative and wants them to come still. It is very hard for me to accept this situation - I feel my needs are not being considered but I want the person I care for to be happy. I cannot take the situation any more but do not know what to do

[Scally]

Firstly I can imagine how distressing you find this situation. I'll be brave and go first - others please feel free to disagree or add your own thoughts.

You have an absolute right not to be abused and insulted in your home (and I assume you are living there, regardless of whom has the tenure).

If your caree wishes to continue seeing this person, then they will simply have to agree to see them on neutral territory.

You will need to discuss this with your caree and firmly refuse the person access over your door next time they come calling. If they persist or try to push their way in, call the police.

[Lazydaisy]

You have all my sympathy. Most of my husbands family have turned their back on us this year, but at the same time, have been verbally abusive about us to our son, who has had mental health problems, and did not find this helped him. We are fortunate that we do not have to come face to face with them.

Could you go out for a while during this person's visits, and they take over the duties?Perhaps you could suggest this to your caree?

Good luck and ((((hugs))))

[charles47]

It seems to me from what you've said that this person knows precisely what they are doing: it's a power trip, and there's no stopping it with politeness.

You have the right to refuse entry to your home, as Excalibur says. Does your relative accept the behaviour? Or do they accept it because it is whoever it is? Explain to them that you have no intention of being treated in that way and if they want to visit your caree they will have to behave or out they don't step over the threshold. You could also obtain legal advice - there are community legal schemes in most areas these days.

Whatever you do, don't let it continue as it is. Make it clear that they can meet your caree away from the home, arrange beforehand to visit without you present or forget it. No option: if they arrive unannounced, the door stays shut.

[Myrtle]

They have no right whatsoever to subject you to this sort of treatment anywhere, least of all in your own home.
If your caree is able, I think you should ask them to tell this relative that their treatment of you is upsetting and distressing for them and any more of it and the relative will be asked to leave. Said relative might keep quiet then if they think your caree is upset.

[joyhibbs]

Thank you for your replies. I spoke to the person I care for this evening. She thinks the visting relative does not mean it when the abusive remarks are made. I have no doubt, as Charles said, that the remarks are delberate and they are fully aware of what they are saying. I have told the person I care for that the remarks have had a devastating effect on me. When the visitor told me on two occasions that I am a bad person , it took me a year to believe that this isn't true . I thought I must be a bad person for someone to say all those things - that I am vile etc - to me.

I spoke to a legal helpline tonight and was told this relative has the right to visit as things currently stand , and that I will need to go through the courts for a harrassment order in order that it is agreed that they need to advise me of when they are coming - so I can ensure I am not there. At the moment I have no right to refuse them entry to the house if they just turn up without advsing me, without a court order having been obtained by me.

It was a very perceptive and empathic response to say that you would feel totally alone in this situation- that is exactly how I feel. Thank you, all of you x

[joyhibbs]

I am feeling tonight that I just can't be a carer any more if it means continuing in this situation - but I know I can't leave the person I care for. The burden of proof at court will be on me to prove what has been said to me, and my sole witness is the person I care for. She would have to give evidence and it would mean giving evidence against a person she loves. It would be traumatic for her and it would tear her apart. She is ill . In addition, her view is that the person visiting 'does not really mean it'.
There doesn't seem to be a way out - if I were not a carer, I would ensure this visitor and I never had any contact again. It would be very straightforward. I feel absolutely powerless as a carer as I live in the home of the person I care for and have been legally advised that this relative has a right to visit as things stand (with no legal order).

[charles47]

Joy, I can only suggest that if they turn up, make yourself scarce. I'd be loath to leave the house though - it could be what they want.

But there's no need to be the gracious host about it...

[Myrtle]

I'd make them loads of tea, then lock yourself in the loo and have a good, long, soak in the bath, with the radio on very loud so you can't hear them knocking!

[Lazydaisy]

My daughter was bullied at school, mainly verbal abuse which was awful. The Head said we could not prove it, even though other children in the class said she was crying constantly(my daughter was 8, and the teacher was doing nothing to stop it). I told the Head that I would be buying my daughter a dictaphone, so she could record any bullying, and we would then take it further.We had no need to, as the Head suddenly decided to investigate, the Chair of Governors did the same,and it was dealt with efficiently.

Could you possibly get a dictaphone? You can tell both your caree and the verbally abusive person that you intend doing this. Just matter of factly, that should not upset your caree.Do you know the other person's family?Would someone there be approachable to support you?

Otherwise do what Myrtle suggests.