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Vanishing friends and family - Carers UK Forum

Vanishing friends and family

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
I put this on facebook and got a big response.
[quote]"You find out who your friends are" ]

http://www.facebook.com/carersuk

What was interesting was how many said it wasn't just friends but their own family who also disappeared once disability affected their lives. Wondered if any of you had experienced this and if you had any thoughts on why it happens.
Friends/family soon get fed up of asking you to go places or visit them to be told the same thing "I can't because there's nobody to watch caree" or "Can't because caree has an appt somewhere" or you simply say no because you are so tired or need to catch up with chores, shopping etc.
There's also the aspect of friends and family not being able to cope with the carees disability and it makes them feel uncomfortable and they don't know if they should talk about your caree and carees problems. They usually have no understanding of how caring "ties" the carer down ie medication, watching for anything out of the ordinary that may affect carees health.
all family disappeared. They even have the nerve to tell us that they come on holiday and stay camping about 10 miles away. In fact they pass within 50feet of our house to get to the camp site Image Image Image
Apparently hubby's family 4 sisters, 1 brother cannot face seeing hubby as he is after the stroke. They find it too upsetting
Image Image Image
Family who used to visit have stopped, they ring about twice a year instead. Mum's brother only visits when is can fit us in.
Only a couple of friend's actually visit and that is only about twice a year. Neighbours don't visit at all and say it's because they find it too upsetting to see Mum as she is.
posted on FB
Hubby was talking about his l/f/a tonight during its 'release from the Boot' and said that he didn't think it'd be mended before Christmas (neither do I). He was thinking about our pending Aussie invasion on 12th December.
All I could think was:- maybe bro in law or sis in law could do this l/f/a 'release from the Boot' routine ever other day and give me a break (oops, sorry). I just thought, wouldn't it be nice, Fran, if one of them said, 'it's all right, I'll do that, just show me how to do it'.

Perhaps they'll surprise me, but I think not. Too up close and personal, we're very boring at the moment,not being able to go out anywhere on a whim right now and they're fun-loving, laughing, loud ... Aussies. I'm sure they won't want to stay round here too much, too dull.
Friends/family soon get fed up of asking you to go places or visit them to be told the same thing "I can't because there's nobody to watch caree" or "Can't because caree has an appt somewhere" or you simply say no because you are so tired or need to catch up with chores, shopping etc.
There's also the aspect of friends and family not being able to cope with the carees disability and it makes them feel uncomfortable and they don't know if they should talk about your caree and carees problems. They usually have no understanding of how caring "ties" the carer down ie medication, watching for anything out of the ordinary that may affect carees health.
This one is sooo familiar...
It is hard to entertain when there is so much to do for the caree and guests expect to be fed and generally looked after. Some of my husband's family have always behaved as if I kept a boarding house for convenient weekends and holidays, but I know how much pleasure he derives from their visits, so I try not to mind. I do think, Fran, that if your husband does not want his family to stay either you should possibly consider saying that it is really difficult at the moment and ask if you should book them into a hotel or bed and breakfast nearby.
hmm.. i have certainly seen this for others, many times. we have been fairly lucky. Our friends have been great, but then we knew already we had great friends. That's not to say it is easy for them, it can be difficult to know how to be and if partner is actually enjoying their company and I do worry they'll get bored eventually.
There have been some that don't visit, one of my closest friends, and a couple of my partners oldest friends, but to be honest, of the people who have let us down, I could have predicted these few. I think deep down you know who'll be there for you, before it is actually tested and then once it is tested, I don't really think there are any surprises. You know who is realiable.
My closest friend who let us down, I send Christmas and birthday cards/pressies and that is that. I am happy to accept that is all the friendship will be now. Life is too short to waste effort on people that are not rich and deep enough for your love.
We've lost some friends, but not any close ones, but we've also made some new ones through moving and oh's disability.
And my family are brilliant as they not only visit (it's impossible for us to visit them), but they bring everything with them and make it too!