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Difficult call - Carers UK Forum

Difficult call

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No need to read this lengthy post - am just letting off steam as I have to tell someone who might understand.

Yesterday should have been a lovely day with the sun out but all was ruined with a call from mum. "Where was I?" It's Tuesday, mum, I'm at work. "But I have to go to the hospital." That is Friday, mum, down on the calendar and letter in the blue folder. "I had my dinner and someone threw away the leftovers". No-one else is there, mum, only you. You're confused. "One day this week was dark all day". No, you probably got up in the middle of the night. "I'm not confused, there is nothing wrong with my memory, it's you and everyone else confusing me". There is only me. No-one else visits other than paid carers.

I know I should have handled this better / differently but I am at stalemate. Some days / weeks she is fine and then ... She refuses to go to the GP as "all they do is drug you and put you in a home". I mentioned all this to the GP who said "what do you expect at her age? She is fine; she recognised me"!

My real worry is she still safe living at home on her own? She has twice-daily visits from paid carers who think she is coping OK (they see the good side). Maybe she is better not knowing of possible dementia; any drugs would have side effects and she would probably forget them anyway ... So I am back to age-old dilemna - do I sell flat and move closer? Currently I live at mums 2-3 days/week and stay at my own place the rest of the time. Do I move in with her? I need to work to pay my mortgage but could possibly reduce days ...

No answers, I know. Am currently sitting at work stewing, dreading today's calls ...
No advice just hugs I'm afraid.
Oh Anne - that was like reading a re-run of my dilemma 4 years ago, even the telephone conversation was the same except in my case it was a Wednesday and she was convinced it was Sunday ! It was also my fault when she got confused 'cos I hadn't explained things properly - and yes, Mum always recognised her GP even when she didn't know who I was Image

I did eventually move in with mine; but financially my situation was easier as my mortgage had been paid off and I was retired. If you do decide that it would be best to move in with her could you let your place ? I don't know how large a mortgage you have, but generally the rental should cover your repayments and maintenace outgoings with maybe a bit over. If you have a speculative chat with a lettings agent they should be able to give you advice.
Sending you Big Hugs too Anne,
Minnie x
Anne...I do feel for you. It is very difficult when you are not close at hand and I well remember the worry of how mum was coping, even though fortunately she did not have dementia. It is a huge decision to move in and I am pleased that Susie has seen the post because I have to admit when I read your post my thoughts went towards Susie and the fact that she was in a similar situation a few years ago.

Difficult times and thoughts are with you.

Bell x
My mum is physically disabled, very frail. Since I've been widowed I've had hints about a "live in daughter". For all sorts of reasons, it just wouldn't work. So much depends on how old you are, whether you have, or would ever like, a relationship with someone etc; what your own health is like; etc. etc. Don't put someone else's needs constantly before your own, or you may regret it later, as I do. Is mum receiving all the benefits she is entitled to? It might be time to have a word with the Carers UK helpline to discuss not only benefits but other services which are available, to take a bit of pressure off you.
Hi Anne
Think twice before giving up your independence - I remember we're in similar boats. It's an immediate solution but has ramifications for you as an individual. I often come away from Dad's thinking it would be easier to stay there and sort everything out but...
Are you full or part time? Could you reduce hours...and money?
I went down to three days a week this year so that I could spend days with Dad when necessary. The popping in after work is difficult as I'm often frazzled and snappy. I'd managed to reduce my mortgage first by doing lots of overpayments though...
Not sure where I saw it over the last 24 hours but it's useful to remember the 'put on your own mask before you help others' phrase from the flight instructions. Remember you have a life too and need to keep it going for yourself. x
Hi,it`s a dilemma and there is no set answer.I gave up my work and now care for my parents,but it is not for everyone.I had lost my partner some years before,and though i had a girlfriend it wasn`t that serious so parting to start a new life with my parents wasn`t too much of a wrench.Even so,it`s a big change.Less social life,less money,less freedom.
You need to realise what you will lose if you change your life for you Mum.This isn`t being selfish,it`s realising that you have a life to live too.I enjoy my life,i enjoy what i do,but not everybody does,and you need to think what is best for everyone.....especially you.Good luck. Image Image Image
Dear all,

Just wanted to say a heartfelt thank you to you all. Still have no answers but a slightly better day and indeed weekend with mum. Susie, you are right. The simplest solution would be to rent out my flat and move in but I am resistant to doing that (although it may happen eventually) before I have to. I have the utmost respect for you, Michael and indeed others who do this but I suspect I may be too selfish to do it Image; I feel that it would be the end of my independent life which I am attempting to hang on to. Audrey, yes, I have discussed it with my mum; she is most insistent that she will not go to the doctors re her memory and will never speak to me again (her words) if I go behind her back. Says it should be her decision as it is her mind. An interesting moral dilemna itself - when do we have the "rights" to override our carees' wishes? Should they not make those decisions, even if we think they are the wrong ones?

I am currently taking out Power of Attorney with her agreement. And, Juggler, yes, I suspect my next step is going to be to try to reduce my working hours. Even working 4 days / week would be an improvement. No decisions and I guess more difficult days to come but thank you all once again. It certainly helps that there are people out there who understand; frankly, I don't know what I would do without the forum. I do have a few friends left but, try as they might, they don't really "get it".
So many of us face moral dilemmas, especially the one I'd describe as "Whose life matters most?". I've cared for 6 different people with a range of illnesses, but one thing I am certain of, it was never my life that mattered most, even newly discharged after major abdominal surgery with a 12" scar right across my stomach!!!!!!!