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upset by family - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

upset by family

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Ellen, carry on lovely doing exactly what you are doing it sounds like you have the standards required to keep your mum safe, and everyone else needs to up theirs and quit criticising. How very very ungrateful.
Why oh why is this such a familiar pattern? The one who does all the work gets all the blame?it makes me sick. It just shouldn't be allowed.
I cared for years for my ex partner, with virtually no support from his family. And they were perfectly happy for me to do it as I thought of everything and kept him safe and they didn't have to. Short circuit 8 years later and they don't even look at me, don't talk to me and hate me, even though all I've done is protect him. They even took me to court to try to extract me from his life and care and the judge saw straight through it. They ignored poor care for months and months, preferring instead to believe lies the carers were telling them to cover up for poor care. I was made scapegoat. The carers made up all sorts of lies about me and the family sucked it up, despite all my years of loyalty to their son. I had to go to extraordinary lengths to prove my integrity with this god awful family, including CCTV to catch the terrible carers, which it did by the way. Do I get an apology? Do I get I'm so sorry for believing all the terrible lies, after all you've done so we didnt have to. No. I still get criticised. I think they even want some of the carers back, despite how terribly they treated their son and the fact that they all committed gross misconduct. What a joke. They will never see the difference between poor care and good care. They will never understand the sacrifices I have made, because, guess what, they've made none.
I agree with what someone else said on this thread, about guilt. It is their own guilt because they cannot be the good person you are and it will eat them up. Bad thing is they will never know and meanwhile they will keep wrecking your sanity.
I feel for you Ellen. It is unbelievably tough to be in this position, but keep faith. Xxxxxx
Thanks everyone.

Mum's decided that she doesn't need extra help, but having spent too long washing and cleaning last night because other carer didn't, I know I need extra help. My health has really been affected. I've developed allergic type reactions to lots of things. New sheets make me itch, my rice cakes make me nauseous now. I'm sure it's the stress. The rice cakes only contain rice. Could be they have been contaminated but it's also likely to be me reacting.

The not-very-hygienic carer was not with an agency but was a relative's cleaner. She had done a carers' course and knew hygiene which she applied at her home. Told me, rightly, that most salmonella was on the outside of eggs. (Which didn't matter much when she broke the egg on our kitchen table before making scrambled eggs for mum. Guess who disinfected it afterwards?) From early on, she refused to do what I asked, so resulting in me having to do more cleaning. The 'care' that my mum felt did not extend to taking her paper hankies out of her laundry. Or putting dirty plates in the washing up bowl. After asking her ten times, I flipped and closed the kitchen door after I'd cleaned it. All the hankies in the washing machine led to a blockage, that led to the toilet flooding, that led to my scarf being ruined when I washed it after it had been soaked etc. And mum thinks that the carer was only 'human' to be upset with me because I closed the kitchen door so she couldn't put the washing up in the dirty sink. Argggh.

If she had been with an agency, it would have been easier. The carers from an agency are better on hygiene. Their attitude is different. They make mistakes but it's all more respectful.

Yesterday I made mum some chicken with baked potato and asparagus tips. The chicken, which she ate, was too dry, she said. She added that she couldn't eat it, though she had. (It had been grilled and my bit, was very moist.) We both have dry mouths and her dentist would like to see her but she won't go. And she thinks, as do my relatives, that I'm difficult. Unreasonable. OCD.

It's so therapeutic to unload all of this. There is no counsellor or anyone else in this area for us carers.

This is doing me a lot of good. I'm beginning to feel less of the 'family nuisance'.
Ellen, you are not being fussy, you don't have OCD, this woman is a complete menace, and I can't help wondering what her own house is like!!! My son, now 36, has severe learning difficulties, but he can still make sure there are no tissues in his pockets before putting them in the washing machine and his kitchen and the rest of his house is lovely and clean. It's the way he was brought up. There is nothing at all wrong with you, you are expecting nothing less than basic hygiene, it's the cleaner.
Ellen, I agree with others that this lady cleaner/carer is not a good person to have around as it sounds like she is neither clean nor caring!
I am, however, concerned that you seem to be upset by your mums attitude too. Her reactions to all of this seem to me to be unreasonable, but I noticed that you have said that she shows symptoms of dementia and TBH everything that you have said about how she has reacted would fit this. In which case, do not place too much emphasis on what she says and tell yourself that her logic and reasoning may well be skewed. If you need more help then organise it - but use an agency B)

PS on a totally different track - you may want to get her memory problems investigated as she may be able to take tablets to slow down memory loss, depending on the cause that is.
Dear Crocus,

I've tried to get her GP to refer her to a memory clinic for over three years. But when GP sees her, she's ok and the feedback is always that 'she's wonderful for her age'. Today is a typical one for me. Everything is going wrong. Example, bought Dettol wipes on internet but it's new packaging and they've changed their 'parfum'. (Always wondered why they had 'parfum' when it claims to be odour free. Now have headache. Came downstairs to find carer had used my plate to put mum's food on it. No problem except that I'm under doctor's orders to avoid gluten. I use my own plates to avoid cross-contamination. I used to place mum's plate on top of other plates, in a different area where I kept mine. Now two of mine have got gluten on them. Not just one. I'll wash several times but the fact that carer didn't care and just took a plate, having forgotten about the need to separate, is just typical of my life at the moment. Best solution is for mum and I to have different plates (different pattern). (She never used the large plates before she began to eat microwave meals so there wasn't an issue). Her reaction to buying plates: no. I'm still so exhausted, and I have to paint and clean, I haven't got time at the mo to go and buy new plates for myself. I've got one from my student days. Heavy. The ones I used were light. Irony is that mum gave away a lot of good plates a few months ago to granddaughter 1 when she moved into her first house. A bit premature, as it turned out. Now one of us has to buy new ones. I think it will be me, after my dental work (2 hours next week: even a shorter visit tends to knock me out for days) and invasive urological tests (May).

I feel pretty miffed. A plate is quite essential and I'm not fit enough at the moment to go shopping (I have a MS-like disorder so wobble at the best of times.) Sorry. I hate moaning but feel overwhelmed.
Sounds like this plate was the final straw, eh?
On a practical side I would put all your things somewhere else - out of sight out of mind, so that the carers dont use them. I know you could say "why should I have to?" and you are right - you shouldnt have to, but constant badgering is wearing for you (as I discovered when my children were teenagers) and sometimes its better to choose your battles.
If you havnt got time to go out and buy a plate, what about buying one on the internet. I had a quick look and there are several similar to this and Im sure there are lots more.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Tognana-Olympia ... ner+plates
I agree and have been looking for a plate. John Lewis have a cheap and cheerful one I like but it's too large for the cupboard. It's strange how you suddenly realise that size matters. I might just treat myself to a personalized little number. Thanks for your empathy and advice. Much appreciated.
Ellen, just re the cleaning lady that got the hump about you asking her to do things a certain way - I have done cleaning jobs for people for years, on and off, and as far as I'm concerned, the way people want things done is the way they want things done! I used to work for a lady who had different coloured dusters and different polishes for different rooms in the house; she had a thing about colours and scents and so wanted different things in different areas. Way beyond anything I would do at home but she was paying me so I did as she asked. You've not been at all unreasonable with that lady, she's doing a job and she ought to do it the way you want, I've never known of a job where you can do what you like and take no notice of your employer?!
That is what surprised me. Learning about caring without book or course is like reinventing the wheel. What do you do if your relative with a urine infection starts putting soiled pads on top of a clean toilet roll? The one you also use. Bit of a shock. I've left her a few sheets so she can't rest anything on them and hidden the rest for me. If I didn't have bladder problems, I wouldn't care so much. Now I'm wondering if I've got an infection too through cross contamination. (Dirty items on clean). More argggh. (I have had the bladder symptoms for months and have no other signs of cystitis so after chat with urologist, assumed it's an irritable bladder. )
Ellen if your mother does not back you up tell her you will leave her to get on with it. You do not have to care for her there is nothing to force you - you are the one doing her a favour and you are entitled to a life of your own. You do not need the stress and maybe backing off a bit would make her realise just how lucky she is to have your care. We have had arguments like this with our son and pointed out to him just what deep shit he would be in if we did not care and that he should start thinking about us a bit more.