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Update on Dad - and next Xmas - Page 10 - Carers UK Forum

Update on Dad - and next Xmas

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
136 posts
Henrietta wrote:
Thu Feb 28, 2019 9:01 am
Paul, I guess you have to see the weekly interrogation as a positive thing. You are still important to him and he is still well enough to enquire, however, frustrating it all seems.
Yes that "clip" remark just shows total lack of empathy and no graps on the reality of your son's needs so just accept it . Your dad's days of being supportive and fatherly are sadly behind him and you have to find the strengh to be supportive in both generational directions. Hard work!
Yes some of Dads views on certain things are somewhat strange I must admit. Anything to do with mental health - "pull your socks up". Don't even get me started on things like race or sexual orientation.

The mental health thing is funny. He had issues a few years ago with swallowing. Stress related - apparently its common sort of thing. He'd got himself into a state convincing himself he was ill when he wasn't. Anyway, GP told him that it was stress related.

He wont have it. No such thing. Can't mention it ever. Its like a subject never to be mentioned again like a dirty secret.

I've suffered off and on with depression/anxiety problems for probably 25 years. NEVER told my Dad. Not worth the grief.
bowlingbun wrote:
Sat Feb 16, 2019 8:50 am
Paul, I live near Southampton. DON'T bring him down here in April if he moans about the cold. Sometimes it's gloriously warm, but it can be bitterly cold too.
We gave up taking our steam engine to rallies May Day weekend after a series of bitterly cold shows.
BB - well its on. Fingers crossed for nice weather Easter weekend!

Surprisingly hes agreed to go!
Well the cricket trip to Southampton came and went. Eventful shall we say. Quite a few problems. Not Dads fault but he doesn't help with his attitude.

So hes got waterworks problems. Stopped a few times. Got to M3 and massive traffic jam. Didn't end well if you know what I mean. So he wanted to go straight into the hotel and change (Umm better not walk into lobby of Hilton hotel soaking wet).

So we stopped in supermarket. Found out he'd brought NO spare clothes at all. Had decided, despite me telling him it was a bad idea, that he didn't need to change for a one night stay. Ewww anyway.

So first off we had to buy the lot - he was not happy at all. Tough luck you're fault for not thinking ahead. So we got him changed. Turns out part-time Flo Nightingale (i.e brothers GF) had bought him some "pads". Great they were - I could have licked them and got them sopping wet.

So all sorted. We watch the game. (No Dad you can't hang you're pee soaked trousers on the balcony of the 4* Hilton to dry them so you can wear them tomorrow!)

Out in the night. In the car 5 mins, Southampton city centre. Happens again. Same again - more clothes bought. Hes getting really unhappy now.

So time to go home Saturday am. 2-3 hours drive. Tell him we need to buy him incontinence pants for the journey home. Nope he doesn't want to spend any more money. Tough. His answer was "We're on our way home so it doesn't matter". i.e. If I pee myself, I'll just sit there wet until we get home. Ummm no thanks Dad.

Then there was pastie-gate. He'd eaten half a pastie I'd bought on the Friday am, decided to keep it for the next day and was planning to eat it because he doesnt like to waste food. (Bearing in mind how hot it was last weekend and of course no fridge). I put my foot down- no way was he eating that pasty and making himself ill.

I had a hire car and managed to dry off the pee on the seats so you couldn't see. (Hope they wash the seats soon though!). Luckily not my car. I said he'd end up paying the cost of 100 pasties if the car hire company charged me for cleaning the brown and lumpy type of bodily fluids off the seats!

Eventful weekend.....
Of course, hes a bit worn out this week after last weekend. Tried to call doctor out again and they refused to come again.

Hes trying it on again. Can I visit him on xyz day? No Dad. To be honest, its been a difficult few weeks at home. Wife broke her wrist, last two weeks shes had a bad chest infection it was 50/50 whether I went away. She actually ended up in hospital last sunday.

Dad knows all this but still doesn't stop him doing his usual "woe is me, someone has got to visit me".

But you'll be pleased to hear I said no dad I'm busy. (I've also got to find a new car - mines dead!)
Paul,

What a nightmare. However, it shows that dad has a serious waterworks issue. Has he been hiding this from you? Could be a UTI, but maybe a prostate issue that should be investigated further. Has he ever had a PSA test? Have you?!

Was it Spike Milligan who had a gravestone that said "I told you I was ill"? Of course dad has cried "Wolf" with his doctor so often that I don't blame them for not wanting to visit.

PS If you ever come down my way again, I can tell you how to get here avoiding the M3!
bowlingbun wrote:
Thu Apr 25, 2019 10:21 am
Paul,

What a nightmare. However, it shows that dad has a serious waterworks issue. Has he been hiding this from you? Could be a UTI, but maybe a prostate issue that should be investigated further. Has he ever had a PSA test? Have you?!

Was it Spike Milligan who had a gravestone that said "I told you I was ill"? Of course dad has cried "Wolf" with his doctor so often that I don't blame them for not wanting to visit.

PS If you ever come down my way again, I can tell you how to get here avoiding the M3!
Cheers Bowling. Yes I've made him promise to go to the docs now and have things checked out at least. To be honest, hes always been a bit of a one for the toilet but never anywhere near this bad - I had no idea.

Just googled PSA test. Never heard of it before.

Yes M3 was busy. We came down the A34 to winchester then onto the M3 planning to go around to the Aegeas on the M27.

I used to work down here a lot. Hants Fire and Rescue in Eastleigh and it was never that bad.
BUT thinking about it, we went to Peppa Pig world last year and got stuck in massive traffic jam on M3.
Bit of an update. Not been on here for a while....

On the positive side, I'm pushing back as everyone tells me to. BUT hes fighting back big time - he does not like it. My brother and I no longer speak (no big loss). He pushed his opinion that I should do more for Dad just one time too many..... To be honest Im glad because he was starting to use brother as a ally to get me to do what he wanted.

I was ill a few weeks ago. Really bad virus. I even had three days off work (not like me I dont get paid and I'm too tight). I lost my voice, I was in bed pretty much all that time. So despite me telling him not to, Dad decided he'd like a twice daily update on my illness because he was "worried about me". Jeez I'm 51 years old. However, this update involved him basically nagging me to go back to the GP (Id been like day before and got antibiotics).

I couldn't speak and to be honest, could do with a rest. Certainly didn't need him phoning me all the time when I was sleeping/resting. So I told him I'd call him end of the week (this was wednesday) and to please not call me all the time.

Did he listen? Nope. Next day my phone rings, wakes me up, I ignore it. 5 times it rings in next 10 mins so I block his number. Turn ringer off on house phone too. Two hours later I get facebook messages from brother "ring dad now", "ring dad hes worried", "you're out of order, you've upset dad because you are ignoring him". I was not impressed shall we say!!!

Of course, Dads excuse - I was just worried about you. Aaaargghhhh! I've worked it out now - hes not worried he just likes to have all the power, all the information. He is not happy to just me live my own life.

Dad continues to be a nightmare and escalate things. He has no boundaries at all it seems..... Another argument last weekend.
"Dad I plan to visit sunday but I'm on call"
"Well I need food urgently".
"Dad its out of my hands, if I can't come I'll sort out home delivery"
"Not happy with that. Disappointed that you can't spare an hour to my shopping".

My head nearly exploded.....

Hes wound me up even more as well with his awful attitude. Brother has got kid from previous relationship. Of course, hes married again now so not interested in his kids. Nice eh? Bit of a spanner in the works - his ex has "alcohol" problems so social have contacted him to take custody.

Of course, Dad had to get involved and between them they have decided that he cant possibly have her because hes got to go to work and she'll have to go into care. His own daughter! She goes to school so I pointed out that brother should be ashamed of himself, as should he for having the same idea, and how on earth does he think other people manage when they've got kids! Apparently though according to Dad work has got to come first (umm no its about 15th in my book below the welfare of the cat!)

To be honest, I don't want anything to do with him at the moment. My family are scumbags it appears. I guess I shouldn't be surprised - this just about sums up my Dads attitude.
It's a really sad day when you realise no one in the family truly cares about you, but it can also be liberating too.

My younger brother no longer speaks to me any more, because he didn't get his "fair" share of mum's inheritance. She never told him that she'd done this because he never came to see her at all some YEARS!

He was always the spoiled afterthought baby.
bowlingbun wrote:
Thu Jun 06, 2019 4:00 pm
It's a really sad day when you realise no one in the family truly cares about you, but it can also be liberating too.

My younger brother no longer speaks to me any more, because he didn't get his "fair" share of mum's inheritance. She never told him that she'd done this because he never came to see her at all some YEARS!

He was always the spoiled afterthought baby.
Know what you mean.....

This thing with my niece and my Dads attitude to it all has sort of cemented how much of an a@shole my dad is to be honest.

To be honest, as I've always said, Dad has a weird attitude to his grandchildren. In his head they've NEVER been his grandchildren, always just my kids and as, such, just an annoyance and something to get in the way. I can literally visit dad with my daughter, he'll say hello to her and then ignore her for an hour.

We had a very short visit a few weeks ago. I turned up, he took one look at my daughter said "oh I didnt know you were bringing her" in a really irritated way. I dropped his shopping off, turned around and went home. If I admitted to my wife what he'd done she'd be around there throttling him....

Of course, also, Dad is thinking, I've got one son who wont devote all his time to me because of kids (i.e. me) I don't want the other one to take on a kid.
That's awful Paul. I would sympathise with your wife!!
136 posts