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Update on Dad - and next Xmas - Page 9 - Carers UK Forum

Update on Dad - and next Xmas

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136 posts
Oh Paul, You have always been the one doing things in the past so default position is that you will do it. Ignore brother's comments about you never doing anything for Dad, you know different and have no need to feel that awful carer guilt. You have offered plenty of options so ball back in your dad's court and brother can say what he likes. Try not to feel the constant need to justify your decsions to brother.
Henrietta wrote:
Thu Feb 14, 2019 8:14 am
Oh Paul, You have always been the one doing things in the past so default position is that you will do it. Ignore brother's comments about you never doing anything for Dad, you know different and have no need to feel that awful carer guilt. You have offered plenty of options so ball back in your dad's court and brother can say what he likes. Try not to feel the constant need to justify your decsions to brother.
Yeh Im just so annoyed with the pair of them - brother and Dad.

Done well though. Said no I won't be up Saturday am - hes not happy. I did offer to do the bets for him online but hes just grumbled - so thats a no then!

Even though I normally go Sunday, my daughter is going over her friends house saturday afternoon now. Wife is working sunday as well so I'd have to take my daughter with me - not the most exciting (or cleanest) place to visit! If I go Saturday we can do other things on sunday.

Tempted to ring him and say, "I know you wanted me to come Saturday so I've worked a few things out and I can pop over Saturday pm". I know he won't like that. He wants people to visit when he wants them to visit - Saturday PM is "watch horse racing on TV" time.

Can't tell you the number of times I've offered to take him out on a Saturday and hes declined, then week later hes moaning that hes stuck in the house.
This years cricket trip planning - watch this space.
Not sure if I mentioned before we go every year to watch cricket. Hes a nightmare but I do it.

This years hes being funny. Doesn't want to go far and drive back in the dark, doesn't want to go somewhere expensive, doesn't want to go when the weathers bad. Hes mentioned a few ideal places like cheltenham and taunton - all well and good but their either not playing there or I'm busy that weekend.

Its boiled down to either:-

1) Lords (London). I'd love to go there having never been. Can guarantee he won't go for that one. 3 Hours drive to London. And he thinks everyone in London is a mugger. And of course hotel would cost a bit more.

2) Southampton. Not too far 2 hours drive. Hotels cheap enough. BUT its end of April. Will have an issue with it being too cold.

I'm betting we don't end up going anywhere........ He seems happy to stay in the house and moan the older he gets. I don't get it - keep telling him "You're a long time dead".
Paul, I live near Southampton. DON'T bring him down here in April if he moans about the cold. Sometimes it's gloriously warm, but it can be bitterly cold too.
We gave up taking our steam engine to rallies May Day weekend after a series of bitterly cold shows.
bowlingbun wrote:
Sat Feb 16, 2019 8:50 am
Paul, I live near Southampton. DON'T bring him down here in April if he moans about the cold. Sometimes it's gloriously warm, but it can be bitterly cold too.
We gave up taking our steam engine to rallies May Day weekend after a series of bitterly cold shows.
Ha ha - he moans its too hot sometimes as well. You can't win!

We'd be going to the Agaes Bowl which I understand is on the outskirts....
Got some really serious issues with my teen son lately. (Hes got Aspergers). Some really serious stuff.

Haven't told Dad the whole story but thought it might be worth telling him - he might realise there are more important things I've got to deal with.

So he says "OK then. Don't worry about coming up this weekend then if you've got stuff to sort out". "But you'll HAVE to come next weekend though".

In other words, sort the problem out and don't let it get in the way of what want....
Lets just say hes going to have to take a backseat for a little bit whether he likes it or not.
Absolutely, after all he has another son!
Hi Paul
Sadly it is unlikely your Dad will ever understand your son's needs. He will probably not understand teh term or the implications or that it can't "just be sorted" and he may well forget what you have already told him. I think you just need to develop your solid rock skills and don't expect help from either of them . Limit your expectations and you won't be disapointed if you see what I mean.
Henrietta wrote:
Thu Feb 21, 2019 8:51 pm
Hi Paul
Sadly it is unlikely your Dad will ever understand your son's needs. He will probably not understand teh term or the implications or that it can't "just be sorted" and he may well forget what you have already told him. I think you just need to develop your solid rock skills and don't expect help from either of them . Limit your expectations and you won't be disapointed if you see what I mean.
Yes I can only hope :-)

To be honest, when he said that the solution to sons behavioural problems was "why don't you give him a clip? that sorted me out when I was younger" I realised I was wasting my time.

Every week now he asks "are you busy this weekend?" "are you coming up?". I do visit most weekends but dont want to commit to EVERY weekend. I tell him now "I'll let you now".
I worked out that phoning him early in the weekend like sunday morning just ended up with more hassle and I'd get things like "not seen a soul all weekend" (even though I'd seen pics of him eating lunch somewhere with brother the day before!).

So now I ring him sunday evening when its too late. Still get the interrogation though about where I've been all weekend!
Paul, I guess you have to see the weekly interrogation as a positive thing. You are still important to him and he is still well enough to enquire, however, frustrating it all seems.
Yes that "clip" remark just shows total lack of empathy and no graps on the reality of your son's needs so just accept it . Your dad's days of being supportive and fatherly are sadly behind him and you have to find the strengh to be supportive in both generational directions. Hard work!
136 posts