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Update on Dad - and next Xmas - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

Update on Dad - and next Xmas

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
136 posts
jenny lucas wrote:Do NOT tell him how close to him you'll be! Fatal! Just 'lie' a bit and say it won't be easy to see him - then see more of your children.

Sorry your 13 y/ol grunts. Remember, you are a GROSS embarrassment to him/her......(Don't worry, they improve with time!)
Ha ha - yes I've been deliberately vague so far.

Not sure if it makes any difference to him - even when I was 90 mins away he still expected me to jump and sort him out! At least this time I'll be able to do a little IF I WANT TO (yes I know thats important) without it being a total nightmare.

Still probably going with the xmas day idea. Think my family deserve a bit of a break from him. After last year, wife is going to be "on edge" so its not fair to her. Appreciate that we've all got to put up with partners family at times (my MIL can be a nightmare) but his behaviour last year did cross the line a bit.

Thing is hes not dull. He knows wife won't get shifts until closer the time. But, as I said before, Im sure brother has arranged to be away over Xmas.
Paul, why not simply tell your dad 'Dad, you were SO bloody horrible to us all last Xmas day we just don't want you with us spoiling it again. We'll have you for Boxing Day again - and you'd better be nicer this time around!'

Of course he won't believe you,but it doesn't matter - you'll have given him the real reason for his exclusion and really, that is up to him to be nice or not.

Glad you haven't told him you'll be working closer but as you say it makes no difference to him - which again is why YOU set the boundaries, not him! Definitely prioritise your children. At 13, you've maybe got three years more with your son before he can leave home. Do all the things that make family life happy - they don't come back, these precious childhood years. Make the most of them!
jenny lucas wrote:Paul, why not simply tell your dad 'Dad, you were SO bloody horrible to us all last Xmas day we just don't want you with us spoiling it again. We'll have you for Boxing Day again - and you'd better be nicer this time around!'

Of course he won't believe you,but it doesn't matter - you'll have given him the real reason for his exclusion and really, that is up to him to be nice or not.

Glad you haven't told him you'll be working closer but as you say it makes no difference to him - which again is why YOU set the boundaries, not him! Definitely prioritise your children. At 13, you've maybe got three years more with your son before he can leave home. Do all the things that make family life happy - they don't come back, these precious childhood years. Make the most of them!
Hi Jenny - wish I could be honest and I know I should BUT I've not got the guts to do that. He would take it very badly if I did that I know. Yes perhaps he does deserve to be told. But then it would be more hassle for me with the fallout.

Cowards way out I know but, ultimately, less hassle for me.

Yes know what you mean about the kids. Way I'm looking at now is an advantage to me. Before I was working miles away so I really could not do what he wanted. At least now, I can if I want and still tell him it was a nightmare getting there. Know what I mean? Before if I went it meant I pretty much spent hours and didnt see my kids that evening. Now I can nip in on way from work and just be a little late. Not that I want to start down that slippery slope mind!
Having options makes all the difference! Do however start 'strict' - as in prioritise your children, and fit your dad in only when you've met that priority. Always easier to increase time with your dad, far harder to decrease it.

And you know, with your dad, he could stil lbe alive and kicking when your eldest has long gone off to uni....you could well have your dad far far longer than your own son.....think about it.....

(I do understand about not calling your dad's awful Xmas day behaviour to accoiunt - but all the more reason for making it Boxing Day this year instead)(Don't suppose you could bring it forward to Christmas Eve with your dad, could you, so that his Boxing Day 'visitaton' doesn't hang over Xmas Day)(However, maybe BD is better, as there will be a heap of left over turkey, the kids will have their pressies to amuse them, your wife can slump back exhausted and 'out of it' and you can let your dad have free reign on grumbling and complaining you don't love him because he wasn't here for Christmas and ignoring the kids as per usual ,etc etc.....)(Any chance you can take BD+1 off as well, so you can have a deferred 'family BD'???)
jenny lucas wrote:Having options makes all the difference! Do however start 'strict' - as in prioritise your children, and fit your dad in only when you've met that priority. Always easier to increase time with your dad, far harder to decrease it.

And you know, with your dad, he could stil lbe alive and kicking when your eldest has long gone off to uni....you could well have your dad far far longer than your own son.....think about it.....

(I do understand about not calling your dad's awful Xmas day behaviour to accoiunt - but all the more reason for making it Boxing Day this year instead)(Don't suppose you could bring it forward to Christmas Eve with your dad, could you, so that his Boxing Day 'visitaton' doesn't hang over Xmas Day)(However, maybe BD is better, as there will be a heap of left over turkey, the kids will have their pressies to amuse them, your wife can slump back exhausted and 'out of it' and you can let your dad have free reign on grumbling and complaining you don't love him because he wasn't here for Christmas and ignoring the kids as per usual ,etc etc.....)(Any chance you can take BD+1 off as well, so you can have a deferred 'family BD'???)
Cheers Jenny. Yes I think it'll be boxing day this year.
Wife is fine with that. She won't mind so much him monopolising my time because I'll have been there for xmas day.

As I'd said before, its always been a bit of a nightmare with him on xmas day but I've put up with because hes my Dad. This year he was a nightmare of course.

In a way, its made me not feel AS guilty telling him a little white lie. Whereas before, I'd feel bad, now I'm thinking "no his behaviour was really bad - its not fair on my family".
Thought the silence wouldn't last....

Went to the horse racing with his cousin yesterday 100 miles away. Fell over and broke his collarbone and lacerated his hands. At least its genuine this time (not like last time!) but, knowing him, its his fault for rushing around and flapping.....

So it started again. Cousin phoned me - hospital says he can come home but not back to his own house and someones got to take him to fracture clinic in local hospital tomorrow. Bearing in mind his cousin lives alone 5 miles from him and his sister lives alone 2 miles away. So I phoned his sister and asked if he could stay. Surprise surprise cousin then offered to let him stay.

Quite why its down to me I'll never know. As you all know, working at new place now so its not that easy to just bail out. And, of course, there is no way hes staying at my house expecting my wife to wait on him when shes got work and is ill herself.

Its going to be a few tough weeks again I can see. As usual, my dear brother who lives a mile from him (and lives just him and girlfriend) has disappeared off the face of the earth again. Posting on facebook at 7pm last night, yet ignoring my calls, texts, facebook messages at 715pm onwards......

Time to put my foot down now - he needs that stairlift...
Brother (and his girlfriend) still ignoring my facebook messages. I don't think they know that you can tell if someone has read a facebook message or not - you can.

They both read my messages last night it seems but have yet to reply or get in contact with dad. Family eh?
Oh dear oh dear....(to put it mildly!)

You say 'why is it all down to me?' and I think I can only give the same answer I gave to another poster who also said that (when her caree has family LOADS closer than the poster) - 'the caree contacts YOU because YOU are the one who responds! The others don't!'

So I guess it's the same for you and your dad. While YOU respond, others in the family won't... (eg your bro).

If your dad can't now look after himself at home surely he needs to go into at the very least respite care?

I definitely think 'stay back' even 'stay out' of it now.

Maybe for your dad, being in the respite place will confirm to him that yes, he needs to spend money on a stair lift now - you could have it installed while he's in the convalescent place?

DO NOT HAVE HIM TO YOUR HOME - hopefully you sound very, very firm on that. Stick with it!

All the best in trying circumstances - Jenny
Well, went to see him last night. For a change, he was ok. Not like last time. He'd sorted the GP, meals on wheels and arragned social services to come and see him. He also seemed to be getting on with it a bit. Made a change.

We did have a discussion about the stairlift. Hopefully, it sunk in this time.
Thought it was too good to last. Back to normal now. The world has to stop because hes not well.
I really don't mind helping him as long as he listens to sensible advice - but he seems to think, if hes ill, then everyone else's life has to go on hold and pander to him. I've currently got a herniated disk in my neck - its not great to be honest - driving is not good. Tell him that and all you get is "oh right". As far as hes concerned hes more important.

He was not happy that I refused to visit him yesterday at the time he decreed.

Sometimes his stupidity knows no bounds. Social services came around last week (they are just as stupid) and nothing has been done about the stair life. Bearing in mind this is twice in 6 months hes fallen and ended up in hospital. Not down his own stairs yet but its sooner rather than later.

I can imagine the conversation. "So how are you with the stairs?", "OK", "Alright then".

At the moment, hes peeing in a bottle and sleeping in the chair and only going upstairs to the bathroom when he really has to. He just doesn't see this as a problem.

I was there with my daughter (3) yesterday and she grabbed the bottle off the table - still full!. (the hospital type paper/cardboard ones - that hes been using). I was not impressed.

Yesterday just summed up his attitude for me. I'd arranged to call him around 8pm. For about the 50th time he'd left the phone off the hook. I tried for an hour or so then thought Oh well I'll speak to him in the morning. At 11pm, he rings the house phone, wakes my 3 year old up, flapping. (I've told him about a million times to please ring my mobile if he needs anything late at night unless it really is an emergency).

His answer - well it was urgent, I didnt have time to look for your mobile number, and I knew you'd be worried about me (no I'd guessed!) and anyway I had things to talk about. When I said, look you've woken the baby up he said - "Oh sorry - but it can't be helped". Seriously considering unplugging the phone at night. Just about sums him up - hes ill so takes priority over everything.

/Rant over - fortunately I'm in spain for a week on Sunday. Good timing!
136 posts