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Under Pressure - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

Under Pressure

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
I'm not sure what to make of this....
The pushy nurse asked if mum was eating and drinking ok. This was an unnecessary question as not only have I told them several times that she has a good appetite but the dietician who was called out by them turned up late and mum was having lunch. She saw for herself how eagerly mum was tucking into her food, reaching for her drink etc and saw the list of food I give her.
The dietician said she couldn't fault anything I was doing and could only add that Marvel milk powder would add more protein still. So I've been adding that.
The dietician asked me if I'd like her to call again and I said I would. She also left me her details so I could phone her if I had any queries.

So, this pushy nurse after asking about mum's eating habits asked if the dietician was coming back and I said she was but that with the nurses saying the wound is healing, drier, cleaner and shallower that I was considering cancelling her.

This pushy nurse who has been the instigator for getting others involved said "oh I'd let her come out so she can keep an eye on it"

The dietician doesn't see the sore at all and was only returning at my request after she had asked if I'd like her to and at the time I didn't know if the sore would heal. Now that it obviously is I see no reason for her to return but am now left feeling forced to have her visit or risk some kind of repercussion as if that would look like I wasn't caring for mum properly.

Despite the nurse saying I have their full support, this one pushy nurse still makes me feel unsupported and in fact makes me feel like she's still looking for something to 'get me' on.

I'd also like to cancel the evening nurses visits as those nurses are from another surgery helping out and they have been saying for a while that they don't think they're needed now that the sore is healing so well and is a lot drier. They said dressings shouldn't be changed more than necessary because of the affect on surrounding skin.

But if I can't even cancel the dietician how could I cancel the evening nurses who again were brought in at my suggestion after chatting with one of the day nurses we saw early on when wound and dressings were so wet they had been falling off by morning.

Do I have to have the dietician call or can I cancel her visit and what are my options about the evening nurses ?
Why not say to the evening nurses that you are quite happy to end their evening visits if they are and get them to do the cancelling? They can report to whoever they need to and tell you that they are not coming any more.
As for the dietician. E-mail and say that you don't think that, as long as she is happy, she need come again BUT one of the nurses has said she ought to. Put the onus on the dietician to make the decision and the blame on the nurse if it turns out to be a wasted visit.
Pass the buck as they say.
I think everyone is under the pressure at the moment with services stopping here and there all the time we do not now what direction we are turning.
Thanks for all the replies and support I had over this. The update is that mum's sore is doing well and healing. The night nurses have stopped coming as there was no need but I can call them if I need to which is good.
Mum is happy and content. Even the worst of the nurses (not in ability, just in being overbearing) has been fine.
I didn't read the reply above before now but I phoned the dietician and they said she'd phone back. With her phoning so close to coming out I was resigned to her coming and finding whether it was a waste of time for herself but we had a chat on the phone and between us decided that there probably wasn't a need to come out but if I felt we needed their help in future I could contact the GP to request their involvement again and that was that.
I feel happier and more relaxed so I'm now sleeping better too which helps a lot and mum is sleeping through the night which helps with her healing.
None of what we went through was necessary if only they'd listened to me and not gone on a power trip.
I'm just glad it's over.

Thanks again to everyone. :kiss:
Scruffy x
Hi Scruffy, good to hear that you are both sleeping well, that is the best possible indication that all is well. Keep up the good work!
If anyone would like the background to my current problem here is a link to recent posts...
https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... sure-25381

My problem now is that I've been questioned again today by the same pushy nurse who wanted to know if I'd had any visitors last week.
No other nurse asks these kinds of questions. From everyone else I feel supported and under no pressure to see people, have people in or get out which means I am more at ease about seeing people, having friends round or going out while someone sits with mum.
Once this nurse starts asking questions I feel under pressure, I feel as if having friends round is keeping the nurse happy, that if I go out it's because this nurse wants me to. I don't enjoy my free time the same.

What I want or need are some phrases I can use to answer her if she starts asking me about my private life or free time.

What answers can I give that protect me from her and shut her up ?

I'm scared that if I offend her mum will be made to suffer. I've been told from other nurses that they all support me but how can I feel that if they haven't fully backed off ?
Nobody else asks questions or if they do it's in a less threatening manner.

If I heard my situation from anyone else I'd be thinking there must be something not quite right that the nurses are picking up on and I wonder myself if there is something I don't know about that triggers her concern about what I'm doing but the fact is I'm doing a great job and mum is happy and content.

I am really considering contacting the advocate to ask her to do something but I have backed out from instructing them to take things further twice already and don't want to contact them only to back out again.

This is going to spoil my whole day now and affect my sleep tonight worrying about what action to take. Ideally I'd really like this particular nurse not to call here again. Does anyone know if I can ask for this without consequences for my mum ? It is likely that this nurse will be out again tomorrow morning.

I mean we've already asked in the past not to have male nurses because they used to affect mum badly so it surely must be ok for me to ask for her not to come to us any more because she affects me badly.

Does anyone know what I can say when this nurse starts asking these questions ?

Scruffy x
Hi Scruffy
It doesn't sound like anything to worry about to me. Nurses have a lonely job and its just nice to chat to people and get to know your clients sometimes. You could just try saying something casual but turning the table around for her to do the chatting -something along the lines of "No my weeks been quiet- have you done anything interesting?"
Hi Scruffy
It might be that you are bouncing off each other, in that you each feel that they other is criticising and are finding it difficult to talk to each other.
And, yes, answering a question with a question is a very good tactic. So answer 'where have you been this week?'
with 'Oh, here and there. What about you have you been anywhere special?' Or answer, 'Have you had any visitors?, with 'Just the usual. Have you been to see anyone different?'
If she persists in an obviously nosy or aggressive manner try 'Are you asking for a reason or is this just conversation?' If she says just conversation change the subject. TV? Politics? There's always the good old weather.
Thanks for the replies and ideas.

Her questions never come across as casual or friendly. They always sound like interrogations. All the other nurses really sound like they support me and are friendly and chatty. We chat about mum, her toys, the garden, wildlife, what's on the radio or tv etc. Nobody ever asks 'Have you had any visitors' ?

It's only ever this one nurse who asks these intrusive and direct questions.
It's not remotely friendly.

The nurses always arrive in pairs, sometimes there are 3 if one is training. It's because it takes one to roll mum over and one to do the dressing and I watch and hold mum's head and keep her distracted. So they often chat to each other and are company for each other. Often I'm not involved in their private chats if they are about their work or their own private lives. I wouldn't dream of asking them if they'd had any visitors.
So I find it very rude and intrusive that I get asked.

I like the idea of saying 'Oh just the usual' as that covers me without revealing my private life. It's not as if I'm getting up to anything and thus need to keep what I do private, it's just that I'm a quiet person and I have never liked telling people my business unless they are friends and this nurse is far from that.

Scruffy x
The same district nurse who has caused me nothing but grief and hassle went quiet for a time when they first learned I'd engaged a carers advocate but has recently started asking me about visitors.

Last week she asked if I had had any visitors and I said I hadn't but someone was visiting me that coming Friday.

No other nurses ask this.

Today the pushy one is back here and asked if I'd had any visitors over the weekend. I said no I'd not had any over the weekend. I volunteered no further info.
So she then said 'I thought you said you were getting a visitor... was it Friday ? Was it your brother ? "
I said it was Friday and it was a friend.
Sheesh !!!

I'm currently waiting for my advocate to phone me back. I tried contacting the Carers UK advice line but I never have any joy with that. I just continually get asked if I'd like their booklet and that there's nobody available or they are busy. I hardly ever expect to have my problems answered from them on that line any more.

Surely I'm entitled to a private life ?
I'm going to ask the advocate to report her today.

I'd just like to know if anyone here knows whether I am actually entitled to a private life and don't have to answer her questions ?
"Is it possible to have one single district nurse stopped from coming out to us" ?

I've had enough now. I'm not comfortable about having her in my home or the prying questions into who I've had visiting, how often and when.