trying to think about arranging a holiday but too hard

[louise_18011]

I have been a carer for my mum for the last 7/8 years, more or less since my dad died . She wouldnt walk and get a bit of excersise to keep her mobile prefering to sit in a chair all day and now she cant walk hardly and is house bound , mentally she is fine and medically nothing wrong with her apart from walking .
Struggled on my own initially to do it all but being on my own (no husband, grown up kids , brother miles away ) I am self employed , running my and my mums home and struggling to make ends meet financially its been very hard .Private carers help now with some of the daily bathing / feeding / putting to bed duties . I am trying to arrange a holiday next year to see my daughter in Australia (shes been there 10 years , never been), only had one week holiday in the last 5 years .I know my mother will flip if I mention it , the thing is who would do her grocery shopping every week while I am away ( she cant get up to answer the door if delivered) who will drop everything and go round to her house and clean her up when she has an accident if I am not around ( I work from home being self employed) ? The carers only go set times , she has a panic alarm necklace around her neck for emergencies in case she falls etc . When she does push it she always asks them to ring me .I am at her beck and call all the time , too hot , too cold , dropped the remote on the floor , in a mess , she makes all sorts of stuff up to get me round there and then there isnt really anything wrong .How do I find out about someone trustworthy who would perhaps stay or someone to do her shopping or other stuff while I am away ?

[hamsterwheel]

Hi Louise.

My father's in the same situation, at the moment. I've arranged that the Care Agency will send in someone once a week to sort out shopping list and do shopping. The care assistants can make a note for the shopper of anything they notice running short to help with a list. I drop by to the Care Agency once a month with enough cash to cover a month's groceries. They will send me itemised bills so I can see where the money's gone (just a check that there's nothing wrong)

He has to wear nappies during the day so any accidents can be cleaned at the next carer visit. The choices - stay in a home for a month until his arm heals or wear nappies - were put to my dad by me and the Social Worker, and he prefers to be at home, so his choice. His care assistants deal with bathing / feeding / putting to bed duties.

He hasn't been able to bend down for years without risking a fall. So I bought him one of these:
http://www.ageukincontinence.co.uk/long ... gIsZvD_BwE

I don't do the 'beck and call' stuff unless it's a genuine emergency. For example, he rang me last may because he couldn't switch off the light. I realised that meant he couldn't move and called the ambulance before I went round. He had kept it quiet from me that he hadn't moved for a couple of days. It wasn't until the district nurse failed to turn out the light that he felt he had to call, even if that meant admitting he'd been in a bad state for a while. He does the opposite to your mum - he will lie or avoid admitting anything's wrong, even when it's serious. I've burned out of worrying about that, as he's mentally fit enough to make his own decisions and I was growing to resent the unfair 'contract' that he could ignore all of my recommendations for his health, while having me there to do the stuff he wanted. I felt it was time the relationship worked both ways, with him taking some responsibility - something's he's tended to avoid all his life.

If your mum's mentally fit, can you discuss your plans with her and gain an agreement of equal relations, rather than her wishes always taking priority over your life? Your wishes have equal priority. If she's not willing to agree that with you, then she's using you and you can refuse to continue to endure that.

[bowlingbun]

You have been a willing slave for FAR too long!
Of course you deserve a holiday, in fact you desperately NEED a holiday. If you are going to Australia, then go for at least 3 weeks, so you can recover from the journey and then enjoy yourself. (I used to live there and have had several holidays there).
If you love mum enough to devote most of your life to her, then she should love you enough to let you go. It's all about balancing her needs with yours.
I would suggest telling her that you are going, and then giving HER the option of either carers coming in, or some form of respite. As she has a panic alarm, then all you need to do is tell them who else to ring, if all else fails, they can ring the out of hours number for Social Services.
Can I ask how much mum gives you for all the care you have provided? (I suspect I know the answer already!)
How old is mum, how old are you? I did everything for mum for years, now at 65, I'm widowed, with a few serious health issues. Don't put things off indefinitely, because one day you won't be able to do them any more.

[bowlingbun]

It would be a good idea for you to make yourself unavailable at regular intervals now, so mum stops behaving like an "elderly toddler". She's mentally OK, apparently, just likes you to be a willing slave!

[jenny lucas]

I echo the others here - time to make a stand. It's nonsense that you are your mum's beck and call.

Bear in mind - and you may need to point this out to her, as well - that none of us has ANY legal 'duty of care' towards another human being. If you wnted, you could never set eyes on your mum again! You could move out to Oz and stay there!

The point is, what you do for your mum you do as a FAVOUR and that's what she must appreciate! You may need to remind her of that.

She's got used to using you as what I call her 'prosthetic' - ie, her 'other self' to do all the stuff she can't do any more. Her poor health is not your fault - sounds like a good chunk of it is her of her own making, by being lazy (yes, lazy!) (about not taking care of her health and keeping mobile).

You do need to cut the strings she's jerking you around with (the beck and call business).

You say your mum will 'flip' if you say you're off to Oz. OK, so what! Are you afraid of her 'anger', her 'tears', her pleading, her dismay, etc?

You have to take on board that as another member of the forum always points out, the only power she has over you is the power you let her have.

If she is mentally fit, then it is up to HER to sort out her care! ie, all you have to do is say 'Mum, I've boked to go to Oz to see your granddaughter for three weeks in February, so you'll need to make other arrangements for that period. What are you going to do?' (Yes, the choice is, more private care or her going into respite herself for the duration)(hang the cost - it's her problem!)

She is trying to make it YOUR problem, but it isn't, it hers. Her problem, her choice as to what to do about it.

(And yes, you definitely need to go to Oz for at least 3 weeks - the flight out is gruelling!)

All the best, but time to step back, and start taking control of your life, and taking that control back from your mum. It doesn't mean you don't love her - it just means you are putting things that are important to you on equal footing with hers.

And definitely, yes, if SHE loves YOU she should NOT be blocking you from going, she should be waving you off with a smile!