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Carers UK Forum • Tricky sittuation.
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Tricky sittuation.

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 8:56 am
by Chris_1807123
Its been six months now since I started caring for my m.i.l things was going fine few ups and downs then she accused me of stealing from her bag we got over this then she done it again then a third time. (she found the money in her bag in the end)

I was doing upto 90hrs per week in her house all of her toilet dutys and changing and putting her to bet and getting up to toilet her.
So I had enough and walked out after the third time. her other daughter and granddaughter got a carers placement involved and behind my wifes back put her in a home (she was found to be responsible and of sound mind) They also said I have been bullying her (the care team)

We managed to get her out but me and my wife have to do everything and the otherside nothing.
She is back home yesterday and my wife stopped last night.

My own mom had a phonecall last night from a carehome manager she knows and she has advised me not to do it as she could accuse me of anything including being inappropriate towards her.

The otherside of the family have been poison and m.i.l even wanted my wife of the will and was saying I was going to put fireworks through the letterbox. Some of the things being said about myself have been truly dreadful and some unforgivable.

I'm just so confused at what to do. On one hand I know I can do it but everyone I speak to are telling me not to do it.

Sorry for the jumbled up message but my mind is all spinning.

Re: Tricky sittuation.

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 9:22 am
by Chris_1807123
To add.

I have only ever had m.i.l best at heart and can forgive her for all things said but atm I am just scared and confused and just dont know what to do. My wife is heartbroken and I do anything to make this work for my wifes sake.

Re: Tricky sittuation.

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 9:52 am
by bowlingbun
Hi Chris,

I'm really, really sorry that your kindness is being constantly being thrown back in your face.

Can you tell us a bit more about MIL? Age, disability, does she own or rent her house, have over £23,000 in savings, how many brothers and sisters does your wife have?

Most importantly of all, who was paying for the care home?

It sounds like a classic case of "Helicopters", siblings who drop in from time to time, don't really know or understand what is going on, and then flying off again, in your case having stirred up a hornet's nest.

Does your wife have Power of Attorney?

Re: Tricky sittuation.

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 10:12 am
by Chris_1807123
Thanks for the response.

She was going to pay £4000 a month for her carehome. They said her moneys would last 28 weeks of payment then the house would have to be sold by us to fund again.(cost her £1000 pound for one nights stay in there as they charged her for the week(understandable)

Her needs are.
Cant walk unaided or aided more than 30 feet she has permanently straight legs no knees, arthritis heart condition,copd,prolapse,blood pressure high, and a few more. Plus confusion, forgetfulness, she also cant dress herself as.

Night times she will go to loo upto seven times a night she runs out cant make it to look. she is unsafe on her own at nights.

We have her bed downstairs and also a downstairs toilet and wet room fitted.

The stress for my wife is truly not nice.

Age 79
One sister who goes to stay for her own self but refuses to do any caring at all even though se is there Fri/Sat/Sunday night I still have to go to look after her.

Re: Tricky sittuation.

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 10:23 am
by Chris_1807123
They both have POA when she becomes unable due to medical or mentally.

Re: Tricky sittuation.

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 11:41 am
by jenny lucas
May I ask WHY you want to care for your mother in law yourself?

Is it because your wife doesn't like the idea of her mum being in a care home?

If your MIL went into the care home of her own free will that time, (as she must have, surely, or she would not have gone in??), maybe she would PREFER to be in a care home being looked after by nurses and carers? Many care homes are very nice (despite their bad reputation) (my MIL was in a lovely one - like a hotel for old age pensioners!), as they lots of companionship, and things going on, and nurses and carers on call, etc etc.

Financially, if your wife has a sister, then when your MIL does eventually die, the MIL's house will be inherited by your wife and her sister (any other brothers and sisters anywhere?).

Is your wife counting on inheriting her half of the house?? Is that one of the reasons she doesn't want her mum going into care??

Do you think your wife's sister is suspecting you and your wife of 'stealing' from your MIL? Why else is she objecting to you providing all the huge amount of care that you have been so far?

To be honest, I think the time has come, given your MIL's multiple health problems, and possible dementia (the false accusations that you took money from her bag, etc etc), all are pointing towards it being better for her to be in a care home, being well looked after, round the clock, than the current situation, which is taking a HUGE toll on you (70 hours a week!), and causing such dissension and argument and upset within the family.

Re: Tricky sittuation.

Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 3:25 pm
by Londonbound
Think it would be worth applying for CHC NHS Continuing Health Care, I am in a similar situation, providing massive amounts of care.

Re: Tricky sittuation.

Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 4:18 pm
by Chris From The Gulag
CHC / NHS Continuing Healthcare ?

Main thread :

https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... ?hilit=chc

Re: Tricky sittuation.

Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 9:07 pm
by G Fraser_1612
Sorry, but going take exception to a post on this thread.

1) Why look after one's MIL? Cos she family. Simples. (Only thing tried to maintain from my marriage was seeing my ex-MIL rest them go to helll in handcart as far as I concerned)

2) OP has gone to considerable trouble to 'bust' MIL out of a home. How ridiculous to suggest putting her back in one.

Re: Tricky sittuation.

Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 3:26 pm
by jenny lucas
It just depends on the toll it takes on the poster and his wife.

So many carers grind themselves down to the bone in doing the caring themselves - they make HUGE and LONG sacrifices for the person they feel they 'should' care for.

Sometimes though, 'enough is enough'.

Sometimes, too, we need to be 'given permission' to do what we long to do, but feel we 'should not'. I had to be 'given permission' to 'abandon' my MIL developing dementia, as she was 'taking over my life', and 'put her in a care home' instead. A friend who was a counsellor helped 'free' me from the crippling guilt I felt at not looking after MIL myself.

Sometimes in life we are our own worst enemies.....forcing ourselves on and on and on, in unbearable situations, when it is just not FAIR that we should do so - we sacrifice ourselves for others MORE than anyone 'should'.