Transatlantic granny dumping

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
My own mother is still in community hospital and I visit her most days (54miles) and take care of bungalow, bills etc in her absence.

Now my Canadian brothers-in-law have hatched a plan to bring my 89-year-old mother-in-law to the UK and leave her with us, supposedly for "4 months" but I suspect that they will not have her back. They perhaps think that everything is free in the UK.

MIL has a British passport and some assets, property etc here but not more than a year's worth of residential care costs.

My husband cares about his mother and wants to do the right thing. I don't speak the same language as MIL nor do we share the same culture. I love my husband and we have mostly had a happy marriage of 35 years. Yet I can't face having this burdensome arrangement of MIL living with us on an indefinite basis. I could manage a few weeks by moving out temporarily but I can't face the prospect of losing everything my husband and I have worked so hard for.

Any suggestions gratefully received.
Not sure where your MIL is right now, but my experience is that to qualify
for NHS services, you need to be a resident for 6 months.
Even more so come social care :

https://www.communitycare.co.uk/2016/11 ... le-abroad/

TGD ... for a minute , I thought a new Government proposal for cost cutting as part of the forthcoming Green Paper.
Freetoleave wrote:
Mon May 20, 2019 12:55 pm
My own mother is still in community hospital and I visit her most days (54miles) and take care of bungalow, bills etc in her absence.

Now my Canadian brothers-in-law have hatched a plan to bring my 89-year-old mother-in-law to the UK and leave her with us, supposedly for "4 months" but I suspect that they will not have her back. They perhaps think that everything is free in the UK.

MIL has a British passport and some assets, property etc here but not more than a year's worth of residential care costs.

My husband cares about his mother and wants to do the right thing. I don't speak the same language as MIL nor do we share the same culture. I love my husband and we have mostly had a happy marriage of 35 years. Yet I can't face having this burdensome arrangement of MIL living with us on an indefinite basis. I could manage a few weeks by moving out temporarily but I can't face the prospect of losing everything my husband and I have worked so hard for.

Any suggestions gratefully received.
Is she in good health or does she have any enduring health issues?

Your BIL and Husband needs to be aware that any possible or potential treatment by MIL would need to be covered by private insurance. Knowing this may change his plans dependant if she is in good health or not for her 4 month extended visit.

https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-se ... -area-eea/
She has dual citizenship. British and Canadian. I understood that the rules are different for ex-pats (she lived here for 40 odd years) if they intend to settle in the UK permanently again.

Thanks for the replies. I couldn't get the social care links to work but shall try googling this.
Hi Karma
Worst scenario. The Canadian in laws have an ‘agenda’ and are planning to leave MIL with you ‘forever’ because of costs in Canada or family unwilling to take on the future care needed.
Best scenario. They really mean only a few months so MIL can see your husband as the end of her life approaches.
BUT do you and hubby know of any recent diagnosis or deterioration which might affect her during those months. What happens if MIL becomes ill and cannot return to Canada?
I think you are quite right to be wary.
Knowing only what you have written and never having been in your situation nor wishing to be offensive in any way, my suggestions are:-
Say to Canadian relatives that of course hubby (and you) would be delighted to have MIL nearby so that he (and you) could visit her BUT unfortunately due to your commitment to your own mother’s care, you cannot put her up because you cannot possibly devote time to MIL’s care. Perhaps BILs would like to arrange ‘respite’ care for the 4 months in a nearby residential home, where MIL would be cared for and where your husband has easy access to visit.
Make it very clear to all the brothers that it is their mother and their responsibility to make any arrangements they see fit but YOU will have no input either in the arrangements or future care. Maybe your husband will want his mother to move in with you. Well, tell him to arrange carers (paid for by her) and take on all responsibility for her, just as you have for your own mother. Does hubby work? Will he take ‘time off’ to keep her company? Drive her around, arrange entertainment?
Perhaps you need to make your position very, very clear to your husband. The ‘right thing’ might be for you two not for relieving BILs from the ‘burden’.
Who will pay for her travel? What kind of state will she be in when she arrives? That’s a long, hard journey for someone her age.
What reason have BILs given?
Let the brothers sort everything. They will find many pitfalls no doubt. How about hubby taking a trip to Canada to see mum? Expensive maybe but stress cheaper?
Why are YOU trying to sort this out? Hand it over to the brothers and just make it clear that YOU cannot look after her. Not your problem. Not your responsibility. If hubby wants his Mum to come to the UK to be looked after then he and his brothers have to make all arrangements and do the looking after. Just like you do for your Mum.
That’s my opinion from reading your post. I realise there are many more ‘sides’ to this I don’t understand, but I do know what it’s like to have responsibility for a very elderly person. I can imagine how hard it is when that elderly person is someone you don’t ‘gel with’.
Be strong.
My apologies Freetoleave
Replied to the wrong name. Apologies to 'Karma' too. Didn't look carefully enough at the original poster's name.
I shall 'smack my own wrist'!
KR
Please forgive my asking but when you mention language do you mean a conflict of personality or a literal language barrier (i.e. Quebec). Not that either answer will be good... but even though we are very culturally diverse I could see some problems if she can only speak French as it would create an enormous dependence on others from the onset.

I have some distant family out there on my late grandmothers side. She was your MIL's age when she suddenly passed, fit as a fiddle (for the most part) and probably the most sprightly elder I've ever known, funny thing is she wasn't aloud to fly on health grounds (non existent) - the family member she wanted to see was not aloud to fly here either (actually had health problems)... so my question is probably while they might be able to pull off getting MIL over here, will UK aviation regulations actually allow her to return home after the 4 months are up (assuming the "innocent" scenario) - the "fit to fly" rules.

I would like to give the benefit of the doubt but just feels like her other children are not being forthcoming in regards to MIL's state of health.. and in any case, what about things like registering for health services (will need access to a GP), court orders in the event of emergency (no good having someone 1000's of miles away for decision making who will not understand UK law)

And with respect, the choice of taking MIL on should rest with you and hubby as its your lives she would be becoming a part of, not the brothers. I'm not putting the UK down but I can't see how they think she would have a better life over here (unless MIL herself overwhelmingly expressed she wants to visit)

I've known and read of situations where people had planned to retire in their country of origin, put all of the financial preparation in place/appointed others to ensure their wishes were adhered to, only to have social services snatch control from those appointed persons at the last hurdle, preventing them leaving the country.. even if this is an entirely innocent arrangement its worth bearing things like this in mind.

Best wishes

-HB

p.s. Amongst a handful of other places, I've always fancied Nova Scotia as a place to live :)
Eligibilty for nhs coverage is based on residency, not citizenship.
What is the matter with MIL that BIL doesn't want to manage her care any more?
Surely this is the reason he has hatched this ridiculous plan?
If MIL is old, and vulnerable has anyone actually asked her what she wants?

I suspect what she really needs is residential care in Canada! It's OK for BIL to say he doesn't want to care any more, but the solution is to sort out proper care for her in the area where she has lived for many years.

It's time for you husband to man up and tell his brother where he can put this plan!