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Too stressed to go on - Page 4 - Carers UK Forum

Too stressed to go on

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
It is a common trait of the "very elderly" ie. over 85, to become very self focussed, and they just can't see how much others are doing for them. So it's not just MIL.
Have you ever thought of having counselling. It was hugely helpful to me. It taught me that I couldn't change mum and her demands for odd jobs, oblivious to the fact that I was trying to work for a living when I was newly disabled.
However I could change my own response to these demands. Before I'd finished one thing, another demand would come.
My counsellor suggested that I adopted a "strictly one at a time" policy. I chose which job I would do, when, and most importantly, how fast I did it.
So when the next job was dished out, I'd say "Hang on mum, you asked me to do this for you, so please let's get this done properly before we start anything else.
This really worked. However, it also meant that if mum really wanted the other jobs done, then she was going to have to organise it another way. Result!
Mum had carers 3 times a day, another person did her shopping and ironing, and she also had a gardener.
I’m in the process of exploring care services and working out a timetable and what jobs need doing.
I feel a bit more empowered to get things sorted .
Thanks again everyone who responded.
You were asking about end of life care.
This is circumstantial and usually done as an advance care plan when a fatal condition is known.
That's my understanding.

My mother has progressive lung disease, diabetes and progressive heart disease.
But she isn't at end of life stage, however, her GP did an advance care plan this summer and the choices were care at home with a support package or hospital.
Hospice was not an option because she doesn't present as qualifying for that, however if she did that would be her first choice.
My mother opted for hospital for end of life care.
She said that she doesn't want me getting ill doing round the clock care for her on my own albeit with the few calls from nurses and carers, I would be doing the rest and everything else on my own.
So she said hospital so that they can do all the care for her and we just have quality time together.
I was very upset and trying to get her to have home care but she was adamant.
I now agree with her, it is her choice and it will be much easier for me.
Should her condition change, eg cancer then it will be reviewed and she will choose hospice.
It was a straightforward chat with the GP, a bit clinical and felt very surreal. We were both feeling a bit withdrawn after that, we had hugs and some internalising and nightmares for me, we had just faced the inevitable but there's no crystal ball for when and she's going strong all considered.

If end of life care is to be at home, I do not know what that entails because it isn't in our plan.
However, I would say if you go for that, then find out what isn't in the plan eg overnight care might not be in the plan.

Those neighbours who say she needs more care, if they are not helping, well they are not obliged to and can't be expected to, but it doesn't mean they can't care.
Tell them that she won't accept it. Not that you owe them explanations.

End of life planning and end of life care are upsetting and emotionally disturbing at the best of times and with your MIL it could be highly emotional.
There were a lot of funeral plan adverts on the tv and I started reminiscing about family funerals and she was saying how lovely they were and so I took a deep breath and said we should really be planning for you so that you get what you want, would you like a service like that? I said something like it's not nice and it is upsetting but lets get it out of the way. We discussed and agreed and had the family funeral director visit and did the service plan.

Discuss with your husband as to whether he wants to broach those subjects with her and whether it will cause any knock-on effects of her being extra needy thereafter.
Thanks for taking the time to provide such a detailed response.
I don’t think it’s something we would even discuss with MIL as she doesn’t see things like that as an issue, she doesn’t really “go there.” So we certainly couldn’t.
I’ve been trying to set care up for her today and she doesn’t feel she needs it as she’s “managing “
I was feeling a bit more positive, but that’s draining away a bit, I am reaching the point of letting her get on with it until she recognises she really does need support.
Don’t feel so good today.
That's probably what you need to do, let her get to the point where she realises and accepts that she can't manage. Easier said than done.
Thanks Breezey,
It really is the only thing I can think of doing, but you’re right, it is difficult.
Just as an aside, I’ve read some really sad and anger inducing situations on this forum. I really didn’t realise how being a carer can impact on a person’s mental and physical health - really sad.
The flip side of reading them is that you also know you’re not alone.
I’m looking forward to a time when I have sorted things out and can positively respond to others with something constructive.
Whilst a doctor may do a formal "End of Life Plan" I believe those caring for elderly relatives consider making their own.
Starting with financial issues, power of attorney, bringing together all the papers into one ring binder.
You can't arrange outside care funded by the care without this.
Also gather together the utility bills, account numbers, payment details.
Then consider where to get care in the home. Ask friends for recommendations.
Good residential homes have waiting lists!
Visit local homes or ask for recommendations.
There are care, nursing and Elderly Mentally Infirm.
Find out about local funeral directors charges.
Burial or cremation?
Favourite music?
Have a notebook and gradually consider these issues.
Write down who you spoke to, name, phone number.
I am NOT saying do all this quickly! The more prepared you are, the easier it will be.
Thanks again.
Luckily, I am organised and do know where these things are, though would need to explore care homes. However, MIL absolutely adamant that she will not go in one. It’s hard enough getting a few carers in at the moment, so taking it a step at a time.
I’m sure she’ll be going strong at 105!
Good to hear that you have lots sorted already.
When my husband was 58, he went to bed and died in his sleep. A terrible shock for the family, but quick. On the other hand my mum was poorly for many years, it was so sad to watch her decline. Mum didn't want to move into residential care either, but unable to even roll over in bed, after all other options had been tree and failed, residential was the only option left.
At 50 we were fit and well. Then I had various health issues, at 54 I was ordered never to care again. Husband died at 58.
You don't know what life has in store for you either. How would you manage on your own?
What mum wants may be different from what she needs.
If she can afford it, full time care might be an option.
Details of care homes can be found on the CQC website.
Dementia is another huge issue.
Jane_22031234567 wrote:
Mon Aug 01, 2022 9:45 pm
Going crazy - posted twice😆
It's ok - I've deleted the duplicate. Some years ago on a different forum I posted the same reply to someone three times. :blush: