Thought my mum was settling...

[Rachel_1908]

I thought my mum was okay in the care home she's moved into. I haven't spoken to her in days and today she rang me and I was so happy and I said how are you and she said awful I don't want to stay here if I have to stay here any longer I'll do something silly.....i think part of it is she is on a floor with advanced dementia and she has a brain injury causing memory impairment.. Not the level of advanced dementia sufferers and it is getting to her. I'm going to ask the home to move her room to the top floor where the residents are more old age physical issues..... But how long do I keep fighting I don't even have the energy to go into how much I have done for my mum over the years and I'm only 26. Most of my life has been consumed by her and she doesn't even understand that. Do I just move her and move her and move her?

[bowlingbun]

I know from personal experience what a hard decision you have made. My own mum was desperately frail, we tried everything else, but residential is sometimes the only answer. Don't ask questions like "how are you". It's not your fault she needs care, life dealt her a huge blow, you cannot be punished for a crime you did not commit. You and your health are important too. You sound exhausted. I know the emotional roller coaster you have been on. Take care of yourself, it takes along time to recover.

[Witch hazel]

I agree with Bowlingbun ... don't ask the leading questions ... hard though isn't it ...

My MIL is home but chairbound and we are her only local family ... we avoid the "how are you" type questions as we always get the reply she is fed up and lonely ... 4 care visits a day, sometimes 2 carers per visit, plus hairdresser one day, then cleaner, then gardener ... she probably sees more people in an average day than I do, but they don't seem to count. We have been there when carers visit and it like she is a different person to when we are there alone ... if she can put on the act for them that everything is fine, life can't be too bad for her ...

If you can get your mum moved to a more appropriate peer group in the home then that might help, but don't beat yourself up about it ... she is being looked after, safe, fed, clean ... you need to look after yourself and not feel guilty ... see some of my rants here and you will notice I am not the best at taking my own advice, but please give yourself a break ... Even if they cannot move her to a different floor, is there an option for her to take part in any activities, trips, entertainment etc ... I know some things are restricted due to Covid at the moment, but they may be able to include her in more appropriate activities within the home rather than leave her with those she might find alarming or unsettling because of their conditions ...

[bowlingbun]

My mum was in the best most expensive home in the area - I know that she wouldn't be there much more than a year. It was wonderful, lovely meals, an amazing activity programme, even a coffee shop of sorts where everyone could have a natter. Mum was keen on gardening, this home had a gardening club and their own green house.
Mum made every excuse under the sun to stay in her room, it was too hot, too cold, too windy..! Nothing was ever going to be right. Incredibly sad, but I believe we are all responsible for our own happiness.
Some years ago, I was diagnosed with a problem that might have led to my own death within a year. I was determined to make that the very best year possible, even filling the freezer with all the family favourite Christmas food, so that if I didn't make it through the op, at the beginning of December, they would have all the food I knew they loved, one last time.
None of us know when our time is up. I want to live my best happiest life I can, not be miserable because of what I can't have (I'm a widow).

[Eduardo_2009]

I agree with you ... don't ask the leading questions ... hard though isn't it ...

is there an option for her to take part in any activities, trips, entertainment etc ... I know some things are restricted due to Covid at the moment, but they may be able to include her in more appropriate activities within the home rather than leave her with those she might find alarming or unsettling because of their conditions ...

There has been some huge disruption to live entertainment bookings over the past months - hopefully slowly slowly homes and other organisers will be able to begin booking entertainment for residents and guests later this year.

[Rosemary_1706]

I think it is very important to ensure that your mother is in the appropriate group, or floor. My experience has been that my mother found herself in a hospital bay with the vast majority of the other women having marked memory issues. The staff spent so much of their time and energies caring for those with dementia, they had little time for my mother.

I know your mother is in a care home and not a hospital but I would want to ensure she was receiving her fair share of interaction with staff and also with others living in the facility with similar mental acuity.

[Tricia_1906]

Hi Rachel .
Most of what you have written relates to me i am mabey not in your situation just now .my partner of 56 year old has just been admitted to a care home and with all thats going on with not being able to help settle him in to care home is so hard he phones all the time crying they are not helping him not doing his meds right and all this is so worrying for me to hear what can i do I cant look after him the emotional side is so very hard he has parkinsons disease but talks very low and I think he doesn't get understood in things he asks but his mind is sharp as a tack so everything that gets done for him he notes all the things he's not getting done .I feel at a loss I know its early days just hope he can settle .

[Jo_20091]

None of us know when our time is up. I want to live my best happiest life I can, not be miserable because of what I can't have (I'm a widow). shell shockers

[bowlingbun]

NO!
You leave her where she is and finally start to live a happy life.
Accept that she's never going to be happy. Was she ever???