Jenny and I have a lot in common, especially the fact that we are both now widows. In theory, it should be possible to say "No I don't want to be a carer" but it just doesn't work in practice. There might be some support if you say yes, but try saying "No" and it's a different story. I've even written to SSD and the GP saying this about mum, no one took a blind bit of notice, even days after a huge operation which involved opening up my entire abdomen! Who can you turn to if you don't want to be a carer? No one wants to know. I've just had a huge battle with the hospitals mum was in. The first said she was fit to be discharged without even seeing her walk - she couldn't. They didn't want to even talk to me or my eldest son on the phone (so I had to come home early from holiday with my son with SLD) to make sure they made proper arrangements. The second, rehab hospital was they were determined to discharge her home, ignoring all the rules, refusing to give me a Carers Assessment. The only way I could stop this was to just not turn up when the hospital bed was being delivered! The hospital even said that they could discharge mum without me as they knew she had a front door key in her purse, so I made sure the inside door was firmly locked, just in case. Finally they agreed that she was unfit for discharge after a series of "medical adventures" occurred whilst an inpatient. The relief I have now mum is in permanent residential care is huge. Last night I slept soundly right through the night, for the first time in a year. There should be more support for any carer saying "Enough is enough". If there was, perhaps my husband, prematurely dead from a heart attack, would be alive today?
Hi
I was my dad's carer for nearly 20 years until his death. I thought I was the carer and that I did all the things needed done. Sure I was the one who did the shopping and the hoovering, I fought weeds and foxes in the garden too. I lived in a city and gave up my life on an island speaking the language of my forefathers. I hated living in the city but I knew I could not shift my dad to the island. I tried my best for my late parents even though as a typist I do not see any wisdon in a typist caring for heart patients!
The day came when both parents were gone. After all the stresses over a great many years I got ill. I dont think my daughters fancy life as a carer and I dont blame them given the lack of minimum wage or european working hours directive.
Even though my dad could barely walk in his last year, the fact that he was there I felt that he cared about me. I suppose he would have done his best for me had he maintained his health and my health deteriorated even thought he was not a man who ever had to do all his own housework/cooking. He absolutely hated supermarkets. I believe he would have tried his best as would my late mum. Caring to me is a state of mind. I would never have chosen nursing or working in a care home I could not do those jobs but for my loved ones I tried my best. I think the co-relation between loved ones and caring is the vital point in this thread. No matter how nice our inlaws may be (or not in many cases) they are not our own people and that does make a difference.
In Jenny's case I really do wonder what the other son thinks he is playing at. He should do something to help his mother because she is his own.
Duncaring