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Brothers!!! - Carers UK Forum

Brothers!!!

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
My 84 year old mum is riddled with arthritis, has osteoporosis and is in constant pain. She has carers 3 times a day, and I go over to her place 6 miles away as often as I can. My elder brother has a rather complicated life, a house near mum, a wife and another home in Uraguay, and he works all over the world. Currently, he's in Mexico City. He hasn't been home for nearly 2 years, but we exchange emails and phone calls. He has now decided that as mum's not getting any younger, he's going to make the effort to get back to the UK, so that he can take mum out for a few drives etc. I told him he's way too late for thinking about things like that, she's housebound and any journey leaves her in terible pain. He has no idea of all the efforts I am making to make mum as comfortable as possible, and no idea of how much care costs. I was very polite to him but I was seething inside. What a shame he couldn't find time for mum when she would have enjoyed going out with him. My younger brother usually makes it to mum once a year. Why is it almost always the daughter doing all the caring?
It's so often the case that caring is left to one family member. x x
Sorry to here this, i have 2 bothers, although not caring for parents, one is an A$$, i havnt spoken to him in 20 yrs and he only lives a stone throw away, he was to busy or poor to visit my dad when he had his accident.

My other brother he cares for his 2 little boys who both have problems ( poss Autism), he also visits mum and dad regular, helps out when he can even tho he can be imature he can also be a great help Image x
My brothers much the same although he does have mental health issues so I suppose its not surprising.
My biggest bug bear is my hubs brothers and sisters. There are 7 of them all together and yet most of the day to day stuff for the inlaws is done by me Image
Booksey,

I think your problems with relatives laziness is much worse than mine, and that's saying something!
There are many reasons why some family members cannot help, for example, work or family commitments, distance, even their own caring commitments, not all family members are in a position to contribute to another family member's care, this does not mean that they are lazy, they are simply not able to assist however much they may wish that they could.
It's so often the case that caring is left to one family member. x x
Too true.

Sharing the care fairly is a rarity. In yet I bet those who don't/wont care will be expecting to be cared for if/when the time comes ...

Melly1
When my sister was very young, my aunt and uncle used to criticise my Mum over her care. Then mum had to go into hospital for an operation when sis was 4. She has learning disabilities. So my aunt decided she'd look after sis and show my Mum how to do it properly.

After 3 weeks she was desperate to hand sis back. She hadn're realised just how tough it was: and she never offered help again. But she stopped criticising. Image
I am the only daughter in the family and I come between 2 brothers. One barely speaks to me and the other ignores me completely. Our Mum is 87 and they both live about 3 miles from her and I live about 10 miles away. I have just taken her home today after having her since Saturday. I do this several times a month. I also pop over at least once a week and take her out shopping, to the hairdresser, to the dentist or hospital appts. I also take her on several little mini breaks in the year and she loves it.

The boys pop in most days but they don't even sit down for a chat. One comes to use her loo Image and will do very simple things (if she asks) like moving her wheelie bin or changing a light bulb. The other will cut her grass or pull a few weeds up but moans the whole time (she says). He also collects her paper and milk from the shop.

One is self-employed so is able to juggle his work around and the other is virtually retired now and just does a few hours part-time. If she needs to go anywhere ... who does she ask? If she needs a letter writing or a phone call making .... who does she ask? If she wants advice about something .... who does she ask? Well, me of course. I don't mind because she has been good to all of us over the years and really is no trouble at all but if I suggest she asks one of them sometimes, she says "they're always so busy and anyway you just do it and they make a big fuss about things." Image
When my sister was very young, my aunt and uncle used to criticise my Mum over her care. Then mum had to go into hospital for an operation when sis was 4. She has learning disabilities. So my aunt decided she'd look after sis and show my Mum how to do it properly.

After 3 weeks she was desperate to hand sis back. She hadn're realised just how tough it was]http://www.carersuk.org/images/icon_wink.gif[/img]
That reminds me of a Speech Therapist we once knew. DD was about 3 and first time I took her the ST said "just leave her and walk away, she'll be fine." I tried to explain that DD would yell and yell and would not be pacified by a stranger. I said I was quite happy to sit outside in the car and wait but she insisted she knew her job and made me go away for an hour.

As I drove in again, DD was wrapped in her coat and hat, tears and snot everywhere, a dummy in her mouth and her face red raw from crying. She was virtually pulling the doors off its hinges and the ST was leaning against the door to stop her getting out. She had aged 10 years in that hour!! Image Image She said "I am so sorry, I have NEVER met a child who can cry like that. We got nothing done at all." She never made me leave again though! Image