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She's finally agreed to care home ... - Carers UK Forum

She's finally agreed to care home ...

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Such an immense relief that mum-in-law has finally agreed today to accept a care home placement. They are coming to access her on Monday, but have already accepted her in principle. Long story, but if people have seen my other posts here, its been a battle of wills to try to get her to understand that going home would be impossible. She was discharged home Thursday lunchtime, within 3 hours, was on the phone crying and saying she couldn't stay there. Then this morning, had call from lifeline saying she was on floor, rushed down there; she'd only tried to get to commode when she's been told not to get out of bed or chair without carer present. Luckily not hurt, just shaken and very upset.

Hubby and I visited the care home on spec this morning. Only place in area with a bed, and its right in our own village! Never been in there before, lovely little place, only 16 rooms. Hers is small, but all she needs. They have 2 lounges, conservatory and dining room, so plenty of space if she wanted some peace. And garden with 2 pet ducks if nice enough to venture out. Only 5 minutes away from us, so almost like its meant to be. Told her she is going in on trial, but in reality doubt she will come out again and after a couple of weeks she should be enjoying the social company and knowing that staff available 24/7 will be a great comfort to her.

Manager this morning was lovely, time to chat, asked us lots of relevant questions about mum's situation, family, likes and dislikes and made loads of notes - we only went for a nose around, but she seemed very thorough and genuinely interested. Its going to be a huge emotional wrench for mum to leave her lovely home on Monday, but we have already provisionally booked the taxi for the afternoon and taken day off to move her equipment and belongings, so keep everything crossed that it all goes as smoothly as possible for us ... thanks for all advice and patient replies to my frantic rambling posts here recently, but hope we are at last making progress to her getting her life back (and us too :) ) x
that's all good news Lesley Anne, but don't be surprised if she does a complete about face before Monday :shock: and also be prepared for her to say she "hates" it and that the staff "ignore" her etc, etc after a few days ! All pretty much par for the course as lots of us have found out. It can take quite a few months for them to settle, but they do usually settle eventually :)
Hi Lesley Anne
That is good news and it sounds perfect.
Just be aware it is likely to take her much longer than a couple of weeks to settle. My Mum chose to go into a Home, suddenly taking us all by surprise. Even then it took several months as she, and most elderly people, take things very slowly. Me, I'd have been chatting to the residents immediately but she took nearly a year to talk the the lady in the next room :roll:
Mum had been at boarding school then in the forces in the war so thought she was used to institional living, but she forgot she had been independent and mistress of her own home for 70 years so she didn't take easily to being 'bossed around'
It can ease the transition if you make her own room hers as much as possible. Mum took her favourite pieces of furniture and pictures and it really looks like home did.
Don't worry if she doesn't want to mix too much initally, that will come. Be patient. Don't visit everyday else she will rely on you when she has to learn to ask the staff.
Keep reminding yourself , and her, needs trump wants
Yes we are prepared for that, but told her this morning that we are too far along the process now to cancel, and if she even thinks about changing her mind, we will not be running after her any more. All she keeps saying is "I can't stay here any more" and if she does start to wobble on Monday, we will be reminding her that the only other option is to sit in her own pee until carers come, which has been the hardest thing for her to cope with since coming home.

As for talking to the other residents, she came out of hospital with the address and phone numbers of nearly everyone on the ward, so the social side and making new friends is the least of our worries. In fact, she has said being home alone after so long in the hustle and bustle of the hospital environment is really hard. She even asked her case co how she could get back in there as she missed everyone so much.

We know there will be pitfalls and some days she may hate it, but the benefits will outweigh her doubts.
That sounds the best possible way to transition into a care home. I have my fingers crossed for you.
I'm so pleased a decision has been made.
This is a negative/ positive!!
My husband is in a nursing home, different circumstances, because he has vascular dementia and suffered strokes. However, it did take 6months or more for a settling period. I've noticed with lots of the newer residents that it takes time. I am bearing in mind that its a complex Dementia nursing home, so as said, it is different circumstances.
I do feel for you. I'm sure you will get a good balance and some much needed ' me time'
All gone T*ts up ... told case co she only going in for trial because what we want and will come home then ... no funding for that, we give up ... :(
We did say to expect wobbles. Has she actually gone today though? It will take weeks, or even months, of denial before she works out that gouing home is not realistic. Make sure Matron knows how you feel. Remember for the first 12 weeks or so she will be assessec on her INCOME not taking into consideration her capital, because there is a "capital disregard". Make sure SSD do their detailed financial assessment asap. I re laimed back £8,000 because mum's LA didn't apply the rules properly.
Care home Manager came out to assess her this morning ... all OK, when do you want to come in to us. MIL said not today, too soon. We are working tomorrow so agreed to Wednesday morning. Case Co called in to see her this afternoon. MIL told her she only going in for 3-4 weeks trial, and would come home again if she didn't like it . Case Co now telling us the 12 week disregard wouldn't apply because she is regarding it as "respite", so she couldn't apply to fund it.

I rang MIL immediately after Case Co called and she denied saying anything of the sort ... she is an 82 year old, in awe of authority and being interviewed by someone she hardly knows, alone in her home without our knowledge or support. Whether she intentionally said it or got tied in knots and didn't mean it to come out like that, she has made us sound like evil relatives who want to dump her in a home against her will ... why the hell would we, as we would be better off letting her stay at home to die and inheriting the value of her home, than letting it go on care fees. Total B@ll@cks!

MIL says she still wants to go in on Wednesday. We don't know what the hell is going on, as don't want to land her with fees if the 12 week disregard is not going to cover it now. Had sleepless night last night worrying about whether she would actually go through with assessment and just thought we were making progress and its all on its head again.
As a vulnerable adult she should not have been i terviewed without either a relative, friend, or advocate involved. Now ask SSD for an advocate for her. The SW is wrong, if it is respite, only income and savings, not the vslue of the house, is tsken into consideration. The value of the house is only considered when someone is moving in permanently. However, any decision about who pays should ONLY be made after a full financial assessment, detailing all income and savings, with mum being given a copy of the decision immediately. Was this done?!