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Taking Dad away for the weekend - difficult to cope - Carers UK Forum

Taking Dad away for the weekend - difficult to cope

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Taking Dad to North Wales for the weekend to watch the cricket. Two nights stay in a hotel.
In a way its nice to do something together but hes VERY hard work. I really do try and psyche myself up to not lose my temper for him but sometimes its difficult.

Hes getting to the stage where he won't do anything for himself. Can guarantee we'll get to hotel and he'll get to his room and it'll be how does window open, how does tv work, how does kettle work, how doe shower work? He goes away on his own and manages its just when I'm there....

In other posts I've outlined his legendary tightness. Its hard for the weekend. If I have a desert when we're out for a meal (ALWAYS wetherspoons btw) it'll be why are you wasting money on that/ you need to lose weight!

Other than that we do have a nice time. But sometimes I just think DAD, make a bit of an effort to help yourself, stop worrying about money, and stop commenting on things that are none of your business. Probably not going to happen....

Best approach? Bite my lip and put up with it - its only a weekend away. Or lay down the rules in advance? It does spoil it a little for me because once or twice he has been really bad.
Morning Paul
If you lay down the rules in advance,will your Dad selectively or even really forget? It may be just using more of your emotional energy to no avail. Bite your lip maybe the best. Explain as you are looking at the menu that you will be eating as you wish and that's that!! Keep it as a short statement as possible. You are a very good son to take him to the cricket.
Hope you have a lovely weekend. Try not to think of Dad as himself being awkward but more Dad being ill and needing reassurance/guidance from someone he trusts- even if he can't see it himself- which he never will.
I think if you accept the fact you will need to explain everything , apologise for him from time to time and repeat everything a few times it becomes a bit less stressful. I find avoiding questions and not giving choices helps but this is harder in the early stages and you get accused of taking over and being bossy- just accept that you will never win and try and let it go over your head. Enjoy the cricket
Pet66 wrote:Morning Paul
If you lay down the rules in advance,will your Dad selectively or even really forget? It may be just using more of your emotional energy to no avail. Bite your lip maybe the best. Explain as you are looking at the menu that you will be eating as you wish and that's that!! Keep it as a short statement as possible. You are a very good son to take him to the cricket.
Good point. It'll more than likely go in one ear and out of the other based on past experience!

Well, I enjoy the weekend too but hes got to realise that he might have his opinions on things but some things are just none of his business. Alas, if I did that, he'd go about it for the rest of the evening!
Henrietta wrote:Hope you have a lovely weekend. Try not to think of Dad as himself being awkward but more Dad being ill and needing reassurance/guidance from someone he trusts- even if he can't see it himself- which he never will.
I think if you accept the fact you will need to explain everything , apologise for him from time to time and repeat everything a few times it becomes a bit less stressful. I find avoiding questions and not giving choices helps but this is harder in the early stages and you get accused of taking over and being bossy- just accept that you will never win and try and let it go over your head. Enjoy the cricket
Hi Henrietta. Thanks. I do try because I know, when hes gone I'll look back and remember (we go every year).

The general uselessness I can cope with. I just know I'm going to have to do it so prepare myself. Him having funny ways especially with money the same. I just ignore him. But when hes trying to tell me what to do, and then just won't let it go - it becomes difficult.

Example, nowhere else but wetherspoons because its cheap. He'll have the cheapest thing on the menu - ham, egg and chips £3.50. If I have steak for say £9 even though I'm paying he will go on and on and on and on. "Should have had what I had, cheaper", "£9 for a meal - must have more money than sense", "could have had a nice bit of ham for £3.50", "you need to eat less anyway lose a bit of weight", "youngsters today need to realise that money needs to be looked after not wasted", "hope your not having desert too - you need to lose a bit of weight", "not waiting for desert its too noisy in here" .

I feel like screaming sometimes and saying "Dad I didnt come all this way for you to criticise my choices".

By the time he says Im tired Im off to bed, I must admit sometimes I've had enough of it.
Try telling Dad that you have earned a special discount card and every dish is £3.50 and pudding is free and its on you. When you pay flash a card, job done. He'll be really impressed with you

Seriously though his anxiety about things in the hotel room shows his brain isn't processing information like it used to. When he's on his own he probably frets about it all or doesnt use or try things. Its amazing how much (or rather how little) they cover up and hide from us

Hope you enjoy the cricket
MrsA
Maybe your Dad is old enough to remember the war like mine. He grew up with food being rationed and people losing their lives to get food over here across the seas and digging for victory just keep going etc- different times and if they slip back to that era I suppose their obsession makes more sense.
Paul, I'm wondering whether your dad is trying to prove himself 'still useful' to you? Maybe he's very conscious of all you do for him, and is trying to 'do something back'? ie, giving you 'helpful advice!'

Is he still trying to be 'Dad who knows best and needs to tell you stuff you need to take notice of' I wonder?

That might make sense of all the criticism - that it's actually him discharging his parental duty to bring you up 'properly', with 'proper values' (ie, don't waste money on steak and pudding when eating out!).

I wonder, if so, whether your best response is to 'admit guilty as charged' and behave as if his 'wise words' have gone in??

So when he says things like 'You should have had what I had' you simply sigh and say 'You're right Dad, I should have - I've wasted hard earned money on steak and pudding. I'll do better next time, I promise'..... or 'You need to lose some weight' ....'yes, you're right dad, I am getting unfit, and it's time I did something about it'....

(Actually, this last might be a genuinely good idea!!!! Heading into middle age is a 'danger time' and you need to get your fitness levels back up, before it all goes totally pear shaped in a few years time - be warned!!!!!!! :) )

By 'admitting your guilt' you may find your dad is 'pleased you still listen to him' and he can feel he's still doing a useful and necessary job as your dad..... (!)

PS - by the way, store up everything he's saying to you now, and remember it for when it's your own kiddie grown up and he just won't listen to your good advice!!!!!!! :)
Hope you enjoy the cricket in north Wales - maybe Glamorgan's north Wales club, Colwyn Bay?

Hope you get better weather than we are having in north Wales at the moment.
Regards
Christina
christina 17 wrote:Hope you enjoy the cricket in north Wales - maybe Glamorgan's north Wales club, Colwyn Bay?

Hope you get better weather than we are having in north Wales at the moment.
Regards
Christina
Yes watching Glamorgan in Rhos-on-Sea which Colwyn Bay cricket club. Glamorgan play one game a year here. Lovely place.

Think weather is ok for the weekend?