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Lil r Online
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- Posts: 344
- Joined: Wed May 19, 2010 12:58 pm
Mon Feb 27, 2012 10:24 pm
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Lil r » Mon Feb 27, 2012 10:24 pm
A hidious week ahead. Multiple shifts not covered and I have to fill in again. No help from hubbys parents, just more emotional blackmail why they cant do it but no real reason, just excuses. They havent even bothered to think about how they could make it possible, they wont even go there. And theyve told me why the rest of the family cant give up something, the same thing I give up time and time again. Its like they dont even think of me and what I sacrifice,im not even in their consciousness. Why is it ok for me to give it up? Am I less of a person? I feel like hired help. u know what, if they stopped making excuses and just said we cant do it, its too much, were not strong enough, I wouldn't judge them for it. But they dont, they turn their stress inwards on me and I feel blamed. I feel like they are angry with me for daring to suggest I need them to help. And yet I cant do it all. I have given up my whole life and I am miserable. I am close to breaking. I want to walk away as i feel this life will never change. Then I see his face and I can't do it. I cant leave him, I still love him, but the pressure they put on me is too much. My friend says they will never do it, its not even about me, they just will never do it and never have. There will always be an excuse. If I wasn't here, he'd be in an institution. They'd get on with their lives and visit him and pretend like life is normal and he'd suffer tremendously. The very thought makes me so angry and bitter it will eat me up. I want to scream at them and say don't you get it, I've given up my whole life and it isn't fair and you'll never never say to me we know, we are sorry we can't do it, we are sorry it makes it worse for you, we are sorry for putting ourselves first, we are just so sorry for it all. I'm crying in my car after a long drive home from work, I've struggled all day just not to breakdown in a mess. I am thinking of the prospect of more years like this and I cannot bear it. I cannot think of a solution. I cannot do it anymore, I am so miserable, I hurt so much, I cannot remember feeling normal.