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Taking all the responsibility and sacrifice - Carers UK Forum

Taking all the responsibility and sacrifice

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
I am sure there are many of you who may relate to this, sadly.
Care let's you down and you are just expected to drop everything, including your job to come home and fill in. It happens so many times that you are no longer angry with the nhs. But here's the sad part. You are angry with the others in your life that do not share the sacrifice. This time I dropped everything, I had to cancel a class that has taken me two weeks to get into, cancel dinner with friends who I see infrequently and leave work early, which means I cannot make up my hours, as I already have to go to other appointments with hubby, so I'll have to loose some holiday too. My mother in law rings to say it's a shame they cannot help me. I am thinking well why not actually? There is two of you, you don't work and as far as I know you have no plans this evening. Yes, it would put you out, but less than cancelling made plans, loosing rapidly deminishing holiday and risking being seen as unreliable by my boss. This happens almost every time. I have to sacrifice everything, but why? It is too much for one person and I have no one else to share this with due to my partners severe disabilities, he does not have capacity to support me. I just feel taken for granted. Hubby's parents can decide when they can take on responsibility, whereas I have no choice. I know they find this hard and it breaks my heart to see how it effects them sometimes because I love them, but it is hard for me too and I feel like my life is more disrupted. I just feel very tired and sad. I need more from them but have no idea how to ask. What would be lovely, and what upsets me so much, is I wish she had said do you want us to come down and help? I don't want to ask. I want them just to know and understand the depth of burden and grief when things go wrong.
Hello Image Really sad to hear what you say. I sometimes used to ask people to help. Now I dont and just try to carry things myself best I can. Sometimes I think I ought to be more assertive but yes, it would be nice if someone thought about you and actually said, "This is a lot for you to do alone. What can I do to help ?" It sounds so simple. Simple to us that is. I could say a lot more. All along the same lines. But I'd just get more cross and sorry for myself.

Things often seem to fall this way. Goodness knows why. Totally unfair of course. But unless you get assertive and directly ASK for help, I suppose you have to learn to put up with things. I think I'm in that place. Never asked to be. It just creeps up on you I think.

Take care,

Robert Image Image Image
All and everything of the above, i want to know why don,t we ask, it's because its hard to ask, yes it would be nice for some one to say, can i do the cleaning for you to day, or make you a cup of tea, oh i wish, no its 'two sugars is it, do you want a biscuit, won't be a minute just take the washing out and put the chicken in the oven, did you want to stay to dinner, oh good i'll lay another place shall i, oh don't worry about helping me with the washing up i'll just struggle, i know i'll put the plates on the floor and let the dog lick them clean,
anyway thats how i feel at the moment, your not alone Robert maybe when the sun comes out and its warmer i'll have a warmer heart. tomorrow is another day. Image
sorry i mean lil r and robert
It`s the same old story,the more you do,the more you are expected to do.I tend not to even think about other family members now,it`s a pointless exercise and just makes me angry.So i get on with things as best i can.Have you thought about advertising for local carers who could stand in at short notice.I have a friend who has 3 ladies who live locally and when he is stuck he calls them.Usually one is available for at least a short time.It took him some time to find them,and he pays cash in hand.In this economic climate there may be locals who would be happy to earn a few quid cash in hand now and then.Hope things pick up for you. Image Image
I aspire to be a good soul but I do find forgiveness hard in this area. I often say to mum that we cant change things. Its just the way it is. I cant explain certain things to her yet alone change them. Yes, forgiveness and acceptance I struggle with. One day when mum is no longer with me, then I may feel different. May do. Yes, tomorrow another day, Helen.

But I really cant change things. Just try and change how I feel, if I really want to, and how I choose to react to things. The key thing is that I choose to try and take care of mum, best I can. And some days I struggle and doctors get fed up with me.... and I feel I'm flying solo, once again. No parachute Image

Hi Lil,

at the end of the day the buck ALWAYS stops with us and everyone is prone to let you/caree down ... as Robert aptly describes - "flying solo with no parachute."

Even folk who DO offer to help - "Let me know if I can do anything to help," etc often can't when you swallow your pride and ask them ... and then there are folk who say they would love to help and then spend ages explaining why they can't ...

Sorry, I'm not cheering you up, but at least you know you are not alone.

Thanks for all ur comments guys. Still struggling with this to be honest. These r not just extended family or friends, who I would never ask to help anyway, as it would not be appropriate. These r his parents. I am sorry, but I have such a strong sense of duty and loyalty. I could only imagine that would be amplified if I was a parent. There would be nothing I would not give up. What if I was not here? They would have to do everything then. Though the worrying thing is they probably wouldn't and would feel bad about it but still my partner would ultimately suffer as standards slipped, questions were not asked or mistakes just allowed.
Hi Image

Not surprised you are still struggling with this. It does my head in some days, especially like last night when after a bad day mum starts talking about other members of the family and says stuff. I dont know what to say to comfort her. fed up making excuses for others. Not that I am close to being the perfect son.

Take care,

Robert Image
Oh Folks, I just had to respond to this as it strikes such a chord. Sadly I don't have any helpful advice as I struggle along alone. The few relatives are very good at telling me what I should do but always have an excuse if I have asked them to do something. It seems that even a weekly phone call to mum is too much effort. I am left to be carer, secretary, counsellor to mum. What do I say to her when she asks her brother to do something and he makes another excuse?? I am now at a crossroads where she needs more care (has twice-daily visits from carers when it works) and I am still trying to work and live alone (I spend weekends and 1 night a week there plus emergency taxi dashes). Thinking of moving closer to her, selling my place, moving in. Decisions to be made, jobs to be done and I have no energy to make them. Again mum woke me up in the middle of the night in case I was late for work ...

Anyway, rant over, Michael's idea is one I had not considered but safety concerns would worry me. Someone discovering how frail she is and living alone ...

Sorry guys, I should be sympathising with you and trying to help and all I have ended up doing is ranting over my own problems and feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes it just feels all too much pressure on one individual. Anyway, I stop because you have enough probems of your own without me going on!!