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The poor ould fella is going to see his daughter, in Melton Mowbray. We thought we had it all sorted, and covered all bases. Then this morning our local stoma nurse phoned to say she had been unable to find a stoma nurse in Melton Mowbray who could come in on a daily basis to change the poor ould fella's bag -he has dementia and cannot do it himself.


This was going to be my very much needed break to allow me to go and see my family in the north.

I have contacted 6 care agencies in the Melton area and also private nurses, but of course, not much by way of response as its the weekend.

Does anyone out there know of any services we could access in the Melton Mowbray area - several phone calls to the Latham House surgery ( the only one in Melton) have been very unhelpful indeed.

Thanks a lot
Oh, how exasperating! But surely, if he's going to be staying with his daughter, he should be able to register as a temporary patient at HER surgery? I dont' see why not (I've done that with my MIL in the past when she's been staying with me!).

And maybe his daughter could simply drive him (does she drive??) to the surgery every day for 'someone there' to change the stoma bag? Or, better still, be taught how to do it.

Is there any chance that you could teach her when you 'drop him off' there????

You do so need this break, Mary, and I think, too, a good long discussion with your own family about what is the best (as in, sadly, 'least worst and most doable' way forward for you now, in this sad, sad situation which has ripped your life apart and changed the future you thought you were going to have with your 'ould fella'.....) (it steals OUR future as well, doesn't it, dementia, not just its victim's......wretched, vile disease)

How actually tricky is it to change the stoma bag? Presumably you do it at the moment for him? Surely his daughter could learn, even if she is reluctant (understandably). My friend with her father-at-her-home-with-dementia has to cope with his catheter bag day in day out, and while that is probably a little less 'icky', it's the same principle in the end.

Sadly, this is something it sounds like his family is simply going to have to learn to deal with......

Hoping you do find some solution, and you can make your getaway on time.....
This all came about.......
Because the poor ould fella was only slightly forgetful, before he went into hospital on 29th Dec last.

Three weeks later he was dying

They performed emergency surgery to remove the whole of his colon - the extremity of his illness, treatment, and long surgery, and his dementia galloped into view and has been galloping ever since.

I was not shown how to deal with his bag when he was sent home, and told he could do it. RUBBISH we had a mind blowingly traumatic 2 weeks - details not needed, but if you can think slightly about the output of a stoma and imagine worse possible scenario, you might get near to it.

One of the nurses solved the main problem by decided that the poor ould fella needed to be told by an 'official' person in uniform that he was not to even try and attempt to change the bag himself. That it was for the official carer to do it.

That bit of information stuck in his mind - and solved the main problems and mess.

But it means his daily carers are the ones who deal with it - though I do it at weekends - hence needing someone to deal with it when he goes away.

There is no way that his daughter would ever do it for him - she is already altering the plans we had put together for the week - she is a very selfish lady, and would rather do such care for one of her dogs than her father.

I think this type of break will be the last time we do this - it's simply too much work to get it organised. Next time I need a break I will have to put him into a respite home, or get his son to come down here - he will do that.

However, there is a chance that I might have found an agency to deal with it all in Melton Mowbray :)
Pleased you have solved the problem. Fingers crossed.
This will sound very harsh, but certainly not meant.
Respite in my opinion will be the best option next time. It will ease you into the time when a home may be your only option. In all probability it will happen.
Do hope you can enjoy your time away x
You are so right Pet, not harsh at all - just right

I am so looking forward to a few days away ( I get 3 whole days in my rich brother's lovely house in Bolton).

I need to get away from stomas, bags, smell, forgetfulness, dreamy expression on his face, the overwhelming sadness at where he has retreated to.

He has gone on a long journey to a different world and left me behind in ours. He wasn't supposed to do that! Poor ould fella
Yes, a journey to a different place. Maybe,it's not such a bad place for them? It's us, that are being left in this mixed up world. Trying to keep hurt away from them and us,deep down constantly in emotional pain.
That's why, you must make the best of your respite.
Thank you xxxx
I do hope the stoma nurse discovery works! A rich bro sounds lovely!!! (Even if he is in Notlob) (Old Monty Python joke about Bolton, if anyone remembers!!)

As for future breaks, yes, it does sound like respite will be easier.

For the future, though, don't forget my suggestion that IF he went into permanent residential care near you, you could still have him home for weekends (ie, while he can still manage that), so that you could work during the week and then be 'at home' with him at weekends, even if he is 'away in his own world'? Would that be a possible compromise?

It's all so sad.....
The trouble with said rich brother is that he cannot understand my life - no reason why he should...... but I always come back from his place feeling a little discontented..... but I will try hard not to this time.....

Yes, this idea of part time care home, is an excellent one, Jenny and one to very much bear in mind, when the time comes, and whilst I can manage it.

Good Night all sleep tight xx