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Carers UK Forum • Still don't want to care - Page 2
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Re: Still don't want to care

Posted: Mon Aug 12, 2019 8:50 pm
by Chris_19071
Honey Badger wrote:
Mon Aug 12, 2019 11:32 am
Hello,

Not to be disrespectful to you, but it sounds rather horrible (and borderline negligent) on the part of your mother that at this late stage of her life she has not taken the time to properly plan on your brothers future without her.

These days it is a common thing for those with severe/complex needs to outlive their parents through better understanding of needs/treatment of medical issues, its similar to the position I am in as a Sib carer (adult sibling/complex needs), in fact at this stage I've gone as far as to planning contingency for in case something were to happen to me, as although I'm only several years older (and get mistaken for "dad") my own health is staring into an abyss.

You have to have a backup plan, and then a backup for that as well.

Anyway,

No you do not have to provide care for anybody, that is your own decision, not your mothers, and there is no right or wrong choice.

We come into this world helpless and at the mercy of our parents, and tend to benchmark our morale compass in this area around how they treated their elders.. but there is still the individual factor to consider (and likewise, plenty of parents DO NOT expect their adult children to become their keepers later)

I look after my remaining parent (much younger than your mother) out of the love and respect I have/had for them when both were alive. And part of that respect is acknowledging the need for boundaries, for example having outside help in for personal care related tasks to preserve some dignity (and modesty!)

Sounds like your mother is parenting by fear. I cared for a grandparent about the same age that was like that, and from testimony from other parts of the family, was the same in younger life, it wasn't just the "getting mean as you get older", although now I've been better exposed to forms of Dementia, I'm 99% sure they were in the early stages of it (as were the same age as your mother by that point)

If its still safe for your mother to live at home, then she should accept outside help. Concentrate on your brother but don't let your mother use him against you.

I agree with all of the replies
Thank you for your insight. I agree with what you are saying but the reality is trying to get Mum to move forward. She is scared of anything outside her control and she can control my brother and me. She will not listen and is always right. Its been like this all my life. She has a very powerful aura and picks people who fit into a mould. I have not figured out how to deal with her without compromising myself (so I could keep her happy if I surrendered my life, lived with her and did everything she tells me every day. There is only one way out of that for me).

As we cannot get any plans in place whilst Mum is around I will have to move in with my brother when she goes and deal with a transition to supported living for him then. He is staying with me overnight at the weekend in preparation for this. I cannot get him away any more than that at the moment - she digs her heels in. Possible we are seeing early dementia but she has always been like this.

How do you manage to cope with the responsibilities that have been placed on you? You sound like you have had and are continuing to have a hard lot (caring for your sibling, parent and at one point grandparent). How do you cope? I wish I could be like you and accept it. How do you do it? Where am I going wrong? Do I have too much ego?

I know if I had had children I would not want them to do my bidding until their dying days.

Re: Still don't want to care

Posted: Mon Aug 12, 2019 8:58 pm
by bowlingbun
Are you saying that your brother with Down's Syndrome is mum's carer???

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Posted: Tue Aug 13, 2019 9:45 am
by Honey Badger
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Re: Still don't want to care

Posted: Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:04 am
by bowlingbun
I honestly think that you should go back to Social Services and
Make a Safeguarding Complaint.
Ask for him to have an Independent Advocate
Ask them to consider whether he is being Deprived of his Liberty.

Quite honestly, his status sounds like carer/slave, not allowed to do what he has a right to in life because mum feels her needs are more important than his.
When does he EVER do anything for himself? Go out with friends? Go to the cinema?

It is possible that your brother's situation is the very worst I personally have EVER come across in all my years as a carer. If so, then it is not for you to deal with this personally, it is for the authorities to deal with.

Re: Still don't want to care

Posted: Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:28 am
by Broostine93
Hi Chris,

I didn't want to read and run, but I did want to let you know that you're not alone in this type of predicament.

I don't know if it's a generational thing or if it's just that some people have the kind of personality that means they cannot see past their own needs, but it's so unfair that they think this way.

I personally don't have the bravery required to say the following statement to my caree, but it might work for you, if you can muster the strength to say it:

"it's all very well you expecting this level of care/protection/security from me/my brother, but, when you pass (or however you want to put it), do you think anyone is going to support or be there for me/us in the same way? Because you are making us ill- whether that be now or in the future, the stress of everything happening now is going to have a knock-on effect and it's down to the way you are making me/us feel and, quite frankly, you are being selfish"

As I say, I don't know if you've got the internal strength to actually say this (or even write it down so she can read it), but it might make all the difference if she realises what she's doing to you and your brother.

Really wish you the best of luck and I so hope you can find a way out of this horrid situation