Where to get support for me?

[Blossom24]

I'm a survivor and a fixer.

Loads of people come to me for support. I'm exhausted and doing very little for me at the moment. The people that I have supported are still coming to me for even more support and are offended when I have to say no.

[bowlingbun]

I've also had this problem. I would suggest a few counselling sessions to help you manage these people. I had some when mum wanted more and more and more from me, when I already had a son with learning difficulties to care for, and ran a business to survive financially. The counsellor should be able to help you find ways of not doing what these people want, without actually saying the word "No". I found it life changing, giving myself "permission" to do what I wanted!

[Blossom24]

Thank you Bowlingbun - Where do i get a counsellor with such skills?

[bowlingbun]

Your GP might be able to refer you, or your local carers support worker or centre.

It's all simple obvious stuff, once you realise how to do it. For example my mum kept giving me jobs. Once I'd started one, I said "You asked me to do this, so let's get it finished before I start another job".
How do you get given your jobs? Putting the answerphone on 24/7 really helps!
Think about what jobs you would likè to avoid most, share them here, and we may have an answer.
Shopping is an issue for some. Online shopping is the answer.
Prescriptions? Get the person concerned signed up for the surgery's electronic system.
Gardening? Grass over the borders and employ someone to mow the lawn.

[Blossom24]

It's not the people I care for it's everyone else.

Animal sitting mainly or children sitting. People ring up and say hi what are you doing? or Hi are you in?. Then the next question is can i drop ---------- off? So, then I'm forced to say no and they get all stroppy. The thing is that although I'm in I'm either busy or exhausted. I then get told they don't take any looking after which we all know is just NOT true.

[MrsAverage]

Learning how to say 'no' effectively is part of being assertive.
Google assertiveness training and lots of courses come up, but be careful some are expensive. There are free on line ones or there are plentiful self help books on assertiveness . Amazon or charity shops are good sources

You can also self refer for counselling called cbt. Just Google cbt and your area and it will come up. It's based on priority so you may not get face to face but there is telephone or in line available instead.

First step is tto value your own self worth. Yes you are entitled not to take on anything more when you are exhausted. Repeat this to yourself 3 times every hour out loud until it becomes an infallible self belief

Hope this helps

[bowlingbun]

I used to pick a neighbour's children up from school, then mother came to my place to collect them from work then, had a cuppa, so I ended up spending about 15 hours a week babysitting!
So work out how you spend each 24 hours for 7 days, and divide it up, housework, caring, doing all these jobs for others, and how much for yourself.
Why should you do jobs for them? What do they do for you?! What would you rather do instead? Another tactic is to say, "well actually I was going to ask you to look after mum for a couple of hours..." That will soon make them think twice!!
Practice "sorry, I'm busy/I've already made arrangements" but DON'T be specific, it's frankly none of their business what you do. You can't control anyone else, but you CAN control yourself. If like me it was always assumed you'd help anyone, it just takes a bit of practice.
I've recently taking up necklace making, necklaces to match my favourite tops. I'm really enjoying it, at 66 I'm now doing craft work just because I like it, and I've made the time. Sadly, my parents only really valued academic study.
Do you have a dishwasher? Tumble dryer? Definitely essential time savers to me.

[jenny lucas]

Stuff them being offended! That's THEIR problem, not yours!

People who exploit others (ie, the people trying to exploit YOU) always feel 'injured' when their 'victims' (er, that's you too!) stand their ground and tell them to bog off! They don't like to think of themselves as exploitative, so they try and turn the 'blame' on to their victim (you again!).

So many of us are raised to be 'people pleasers' to do constantly what other people want. But as BB says, do these people lift a finger for YOU?

Quid pro quo in life. You do nowt for others who dont' do nowt for you!

Who are these people anyway? What right do they think they have to dump their stuff on you?

(I know exactly what you mean, by the way, about the 'What are you doing this afternoon?' question. A friend of mine had a 'friend' (not a friend at all, obviously!), who used to ring up and say cheerfully, 'HI, what are you doing this afternoon?'. My friend used to think, 'Ooh, that's nice - let's do something fun together'.....but the minute she said 'Nothing', the 'friend' pounced, and said 'Oh, in which case can you pick up my son from school?' etc etc. It was really 'cunning' of the 'friend' the way she phrased it. Took ages for my friend to be more guarded. Me, I always say when someone asks me what I'm doing is 'It depends!' Then I draw THEM out first.)

[Blossom24]

Some very clever replies. I knew I could rely on you here. Thank you so much. I want you all to know how much I appreciate your support.

The person who wanted me to have their dog is still speaking to me. A few weeks ago they told me that I was the only person who would have their dog - he isn't the best behaved dog.

I have looked after the animals so they could go on holiday. On one occassion they returned 3 days late without clearing it with me first but the last time they said that I obviously enjoy it (I do) and so they'll have to book another holiday soon. I was so shocked and said I think that it's my turn to have a holiday next. As you all know that this is difficult for me because of caring responsibilities.

[jenny lucas]

I think it's extremely common for any of us who don't 'go out' to work to be regarded as 'handy' for others!!!

That friend of mine I mentioned, is a single mum, and because of that she gave up work and became a Stay At Home Mum (she reckoned her children had been disrupted quite enough by their dad leaving, let alone if they became latch-key kids). But the 'friend' (also divorced) had kept working. The 'friends' view was brutal - she regarded my friend as having 'nothing to do' and therefore she could obviously 'be available' to go and pick up HER son from school when she wanted her to.

What my friend always said to me was: 'Look, I didn't give up my salary and take a cut in my living standards so that I could become a free taxi service to a woman who wasn't prepared to do the same, but wanted to go on with her well-paid job and to hell with her kids and what they needed!'

So, I'm wondering whether, if you are a 'live in carer', and don't 'go out' to work, your so-called friends assume that you 'do nothing' all day, and are therefore 'available' for being 'useful' to them!!!

It sounds like the dog-owners have merrily told themselves that THEY are doing YOU a favour by 'letting' you have their dog while they go away on holiday!

As I say, those who use other people (your so-called friends) never actually like to think of themselves as 'users' so will come up with all sorts of convenient 'justifications' for exploiting you.

I'm glad, in this instance, you stood up to them. And, of course, added to their 'cheek' is the brute fact that IF their dog were better behaved (and we KNOW that bad dog behaviour is not the fault of the poor dogs, but the useless owners!), then they would have more people to help them.

Apart from (I damn well hope!) saying 'thank you' to you for what you do for them, what else do they do by way of thankyou? Bear in mind that a kennel would charge a significant amount of money - probably adding another hundred pounds at the very least to the cost of their holiday.