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- Member
Thu Jul 21, 2016 12:23 pm
Hi
Mum has lived with me for over 2 and a half years in my home. Mum is 90 years old and suffers from Rheumatoid Arthritis, had a stroke 7 years ago with speak difficulty and word finding, bowel and uterine prolapse, heart failure, some memory loss and is doubly incontinent.
Mum has had respite that first started in December for a week and I try and get respite for her as suggested by Mum's social worker, every 6 weeks.
Because Mum's name is down on 5 private care homes waiting lists, for respite, I cannot always get it and then I apply to the council maintained care home, but it has to be through the social worker.
The last time I applied in June for respite, as there were no beds in the private care homes, the social worker said that this is the last time that I can apply to the council run home, she said that the home may be closing down and she doesn't want Mum getting used to there, as it's not fair to her.
Then I got mum into a private care home in June(the same as the first one last December).
I was also told that they had an empty permanent bed coming up and didn't know when a respite bed would come up again, when they fill the bed.
I suggested to my brother and sister, brother lives too far away to care for Mum (and work commitments) and my sister has poor health and might occasionally cover for me a few days, but it's unpredictable when she can come. that there was a permanent bed available and I wondered about booking that bed for Mum to be able to go into respite then any time when I needed a break. The bed would have to be paid for as a permanent bed and the care home said Mum could go home in between any time and the bed would be there when I was ready for a break again.
I suggested that it might be 3 weeks in there and 3 weeks at home.
I thought that if Mum went in there permanently, then she could easily deteriorate and feel unwanted, as she is easily depressed and this is what happened when she had hospital admissions over the last 3 years - she suggested that I called the doctor/ambulance because I didn't want to look after any longer. Plus when Mum did come home from this respite, Mum had a large bruise on her leg and a large abrasion in the cleft of her buttocks, which I have carefully looked after and it has now healed. I wouldn't be able to physically do any checks like this if Mum is mum is in permanently as she is always in the sitting room amongst other residents.
Mum agreed to this suggestion of 3 weeks in the care home and 3 weeks back in my house, so far. (The payment side of things will be dealt with by my brother as he has power of attorney)
In the meantime, when I informed the social worker of the plan, she said that she was concerned that mum would not understand the new routine of 3 weeks in care home and 3 weeks in my home, so she asked another social worker to assess Mum's capacity and to ask mum a few questions whilst Mum was having her respite in the care home.
The 2 social workers then came to my home this week, whilst Mum was back home.
The social worker who spoke to Mum in the care home said that Mum said she wanted to stay in the care home all the time as I am not home all the time and there are people there (in care home) all the time. She said that my mother said I am out a lot and too busy to look after her and she worried for me and felt it was too much for me. yes, I have been overstretched with looking after 2 grandchildren, 3 days a week and working 2 days a week and regretfully I have shown my stress sometimes when trying to leave the house on time in the morning.
After I get Mum up in the morning, help wash and dress mum in bathroom, tablets and breakfast - I then go out. Care workers come in twice a day to take Mum to bathroom again and give her drinks and make her lunch. I am back by 6 at the latest.
I said to the social worker that my child sitting has just been reduced to one day, it will make a big difference, but also I said that Mum may have meant that she was happy in the care home at present, but she has word finding difficulty (because of previous stroke) and cannot do a sentence and often gives up as she struggles to say the right words then forgets what she is saying. I said that I was not certain that mum would want to stay permanently really and not come home. I asked had she spoke to mum about the 3 weeks in and 3 weeks at home, it doesn't have to be 3 weeks , it can be 4 weeks and 4 weeks or anything really.
The social worker said she would now ask Mum if she wanted to stay permanently there, she spoke to Mum and said 'do you remember me and what I said in the care home?' Mum said yes, the SW then said 'what did we talk about?' Mum said ' I don't know and I feel ill and I want to go to bed now and never wake up again!!'
Mum has always said this when she is not feeling well, both of the social workers then decided to leave and now I have had an email from them saying that they want to come back to the house to see my mother alone, without me being there, on Thursday, next week.
I have discussed this with my brother by email and he said NO, he did not want mum being seen alone, he wanted to be there, as he thought a family member should be but he was only free on Saturday and Sundays.
I have emailed the social workers to say that they need to liaise with my brother to arrange to see mum.
I myself haven't brought up the subject again with Mum as she is under the weather and now want to leave it to my brother.
I feel that if Mum is paying then it is a private arrangement between us and the private care home?
I would be grateful for any advice, please.
Christina
Mum has lived with me for over 2 and a half years in my home. Mum is 90 years old and suffers from Rheumatoid Arthritis, had a stroke 7 years ago with speak difficulty and word finding, bowel and uterine prolapse, heart failure, some memory loss and is doubly incontinent.
Mum has had respite that first started in December for a week and I try and get respite for her as suggested by Mum's social worker, every 6 weeks.
Because Mum's name is down on 5 private care homes waiting lists, for respite, I cannot always get it and then I apply to the council maintained care home, but it has to be through the social worker.
The last time I applied in June for respite, as there were no beds in the private care homes, the social worker said that this is the last time that I can apply to the council run home, she said that the home may be closing down and she doesn't want Mum getting used to there, as it's not fair to her.
Then I got mum into a private care home in June(the same as the first one last December).
I was also told that they had an empty permanent bed coming up and didn't know when a respite bed would come up again, when they fill the bed.
I suggested to my brother and sister, brother lives too far away to care for Mum (and work commitments) and my sister has poor health and might occasionally cover for me a few days, but it's unpredictable when she can come. that there was a permanent bed available and I wondered about booking that bed for Mum to be able to go into respite then any time when I needed a break. The bed would have to be paid for as a permanent bed and the care home said Mum could go home in between any time and the bed would be there when I was ready for a break again.
I suggested that it might be 3 weeks in there and 3 weeks at home.
I thought that if Mum went in there permanently, then she could easily deteriorate and feel unwanted, as she is easily depressed and this is what happened when she had hospital admissions over the last 3 years - she suggested that I called the doctor/ambulance because I didn't want to look after any longer. Plus when Mum did come home from this respite, Mum had a large bruise on her leg and a large abrasion in the cleft of her buttocks, which I have carefully looked after and it has now healed. I wouldn't be able to physically do any checks like this if Mum is mum is in permanently as she is always in the sitting room amongst other residents.
Mum agreed to this suggestion of 3 weeks in the care home and 3 weeks back in my house, so far. (The payment side of things will be dealt with by my brother as he has power of attorney)
In the meantime, when I informed the social worker of the plan, she said that she was concerned that mum would not understand the new routine of 3 weeks in care home and 3 weeks in my home, so she asked another social worker to assess Mum's capacity and to ask mum a few questions whilst Mum was having her respite in the care home.
The 2 social workers then came to my home this week, whilst Mum was back home.
The social worker who spoke to Mum in the care home said that Mum said she wanted to stay in the care home all the time as I am not home all the time and there are people there (in care home) all the time. She said that my mother said I am out a lot and too busy to look after her and she worried for me and felt it was too much for me. yes, I have been overstretched with looking after 2 grandchildren, 3 days a week and working 2 days a week and regretfully I have shown my stress sometimes when trying to leave the house on time in the morning.
After I get Mum up in the morning, help wash and dress mum in bathroom, tablets and breakfast - I then go out. Care workers come in twice a day to take Mum to bathroom again and give her drinks and make her lunch. I am back by 6 at the latest.
I said to the social worker that my child sitting has just been reduced to one day, it will make a big difference, but also I said that Mum may have meant that she was happy in the care home at present, but she has word finding difficulty (because of previous stroke) and cannot do a sentence and often gives up as she struggles to say the right words then forgets what she is saying. I said that I was not certain that mum would want to stay permanently really and not come home. I asked had she spoke to mum about the 3 weeks in and 3 weeks at home, it doesn't have to be 3 weeks , it can be 4 weeks and 4 weeks or anything really.
The social worker said she would now ask Mum if she wanted to stay permanently there, she spoke to Mum and said 'do you remember me and what I said in the care home?' Mum said yes, the SW then said 'what did we talk about?' Mum said ' I don't know and I feel ill and I want to go to bed now and never wake up again!!'
Mum has always said this when she is not feeling well, both of the social workers then decided to leave and now I have had an email from them saying that they want to come back to the house to see my mother alone, without me being there, on Thursday, next week.
I have discussed this with my brother by email and he said NO, he did not want mum being seen alone, he wanted to be there, as he thought a family member should be but he was only free on Saturday and Sundays.
I have emailed the social workers to say that they need to liaise with my brother to arrange to see mum.
I myself haven't brought up the subject again with Mum as she is under the weather and now want to leave it to my brother.
I feel that if Mum is paying then it is a private arrangement between us and the private care home?
I would be grateful for any advice, please.
Christina