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So tired! - Carers UK Forum

So tired!

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Am new here....need an ear?
I have been caring for my 92 yr old mum for 6 yrs...more so in the last 2 years from I brought her to my home. My siblings come for a few hrs a week when they can (to give me a break!) they no nothing about her care...so every time they come I have to do thee list...by the time I do that, get a shower and out the door...they can't wait to get away. I feel frustrated, not even angry anymore, just so deflated that their words speak louder than their actions...love you mum so much! I feel like saying F*** O**..... They leave...each time they do....mum is in a bad mood with me? Most of the time mum is confused....she is lucid for a few hours during day when medication wears off....this is the time they visit...I am at a loss as to how to get this family to rally round to mums needs....but more so to me as I am feeling so burnt out...I have asked, pleaded, etc etc...deaf ears!
Totally understandable! On the forum we call them 'helicopters', relatives like that! They fly in, land, make a fuss, cause a fuss, often inform you what you are doing wrong, then fly off again - with a self-appointed halo round their shining heads! SO pleased with themselves for 'doing their bit'......

They are roundly cursed and despised on this forum!!!!!

First off, though, why do you not simply walk out the door the moment they walk in? Actually GET your much needed break? Why bother to tell them what to do etc? Just grab your keys and GO!

But, apart from that, maybe it's time to totally re-evaluate your mum's care. You've been doing it a long time, and with effectivey-zilch support from your family (by the way 'pleading' does not work - sadly, as they will inform you with long faces, they'd LOVE to do more, but alas, they are booked for a holiday, they have important and essential things to do, they can't this time but maybe another time, they're sure you'll understand'....etc etc etc THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SOD ALL!)

To be honest, I would write them off. Waste of space.

That said, if you have a car, can you simply drive your mum over and leave her with them?
Give up any hope of help from family, you will be forever disappointed. Their behaviour means they have no right in saying from now on, anything about the care of mum.
Most important questions first.
Do you want to/feel able to care for mum any longer in the current situation?
What do you want next? More help in the home, or mum moving into residential care?

Once you decide for yourself what you want, then tell us and we can make suggestions about how to get what you want.
It would help if you could tell us
If mum owns any property?
If mum has savings over £23,000?
Welcome to the Forum, Ruth. You are certainly not the first clapped-out carer who has more than useless relatives. Yes, either you accept that their visits will cause more aggravation than help, or you call a family meeting and tell them exactly what you need from them, maybe give them specific jobs or specific times when they need to cover your absence. Perhaps time to consider a couple of days off so that they can see what your life is really like?

As an only child, the buck stopped with me but, from what I have seen on this Forum, that is not necessarily a bad thing!

Carry on chatting to us and letting off steam. The Forum is very good for that!
Hi Ruth

I have helicopter relatives too.

I am thinking of attempting to get them round together, being explicit about the whole situation and letting them have the information raw and detailed. I am hoping they will empathise more, hearing all the details and one by one they will offer their time when they can. Maybe because some relatives don't understand the gravity of the situation, they don't think people need help or don't realise how bad things are.

Miracle happen.

It might be worth you trying something similar if you haven't.
Jane, I'm afraid you will be disappointed. Accept that the relatives will NEVER want to know.
My helicopters offered help or rather told me to ask if I needed it , and I said I didn't think they would cope with any of it as I needed practical things like bottom wipeing and catching dad as he falls. Strangely the offer vapourised as I thought it would. I'm not having the helicopters cherry pick and leave wearing a halo.
I don't even have to deal with "helicopter relatives" just annoying "clucking" from people saying to me " oh you are amazing " or " I don't know how you manage" etc etc . They think that if the make the right noises that is all the help we need ! It is totally irritating and I would rather plod on without them!