Sibling Help??

[Daisydoo]

Hi everyone,

I'm on here to ask if in being unreasonable asking for more help from my brother!
In short, for the past 2.5 years I have been the primary carer for my mum since a stroke has left her virtually bedridden. My gem of a hubby helps me with the logistics of doing this as well as running our own business. We have daytime care cover which we pay for privately when we're working. As things go, on paper it all sounds very organised......but the work involved in juggling everything is emmense and I think I've had a total of about 20 nights holiday during this time. Again, I'm sure some people are thinking, well all that sounds ok, but it's not.
I have a brother who comes over to take over for these odd times when we're able to get away, but my point is that I feel that he should do more......if I mention that we need to sort dates out, it's like asking for a miracle to happen & I'm sick of it.
Last night I wrote him a very long email informing him that I feel that we need a proper plan of 3 weeks a year where we are able to get away from the situation totally & the reasons why. Am I being unreasonable in asking for that, when we have it for the other 49 weeks of the year???
I need this sorting for my sanity..... Does anyone else have sibling issues re parental care?
Sorry to rant on, I'm just exhausted and fed up with the whole thing.
Thank you.
Daisydoo xx

[pamr]

No No No, you are most definately not being unreasonable. you are right, the organisation of these carers, and all that goes with it is a nightmare.
unless you ask your brother for exactly what you need from him, his head will stay in the sand. he is a man after all!! (sorry gentleman on this forum, but you are all the exception to the norm.)

My sister is in new zealand, so not much help available from her.

[Daisydoo]

Haha, thanks Pam.
Yep, next step will be to s p e l l I t o u t!!
We're in Spain & he's in the UK which also adds to hassle, but even so his reply to my email will be interesting....... He does always, of course give me reasons why he can't do it, even tho he has a house here as well & is managing to come over with his mates in Sept!! ...... I'm looking for solutions as to how he can do it!
Time will tell!

[bowlingbun]

Don't get your hopes up too much, I'm afraid that you may be disappointed. I have two brothers, one works all over the UK, the other mend aircraft all over the world, so both very mobile. One hasn't been to see mum for 18 months, the other, once in the last year. My mum has been disabled for over 30 years, and is now in her 80's. In all their adult lives I can never remember them taking mum out, ever. When dad was alive, he frequently worked away for prolonged periods, so throughout all her medical disasters, and there have been many, it's all been left to me.Only one brother made it to my husband's funeral. Mum was recently in hospital for a month, I emailed one, phoned the other. It was weeks before they even rang to see how she was, or how I was managing to get to the hospital after my knee replacement a few weeks earlier. I think they're just waiting for her to die so they can get their inheritance quite honestly. I'm afraid your email to your brother may be in vain. As you are in Spain, it's more complicated. The only practical solution to your problem may be finding a home for mum locally, and getting your brother to pay half the fees. Or you could send mum to him?!

[susieq]

When I was caring for Mum full-time there were times when I thought I must be an 'only' - my sister lived 15 minutes walk away from Mum but it was just as difficult to get her to help out - she might just as well have been on the moon ! And as for me getting time away, well I managed all of 7 nights in three and a half years whilst she was still enjoying 3 'proper' two week holidays a year.

Mum passed away recently and I'm still not getting any 'real' help to wind up her affairs - sister and bro-in-law are too 'busy' arranging their next holiday !

It's a cry I hear far too often - there is always the one who takes on the full responsibility of care whilst the others just take a back seat, full of promises of help but nothing practical. The words 'head, 'bang' and 'brick wall' come to mind

[Daisydoo]

Ahhhhh thanks guys, when you read other peoples situations on here I do have to say that I'm fortunate to have a very interesting work life outside of the caring role thankfully. For me, to be honest it's having my wings clipped which causes resentment. I love my mum so much, but have found it very hard to adjust to the current situation. A home is not an option, we could do that, but I would fret more if I lost the control of her wellbeing - silly really isn't it!!
ANYWAY.... I have had a reply to my email. We have agreed dates for December so that hubby and I can go away for a few days..... Yipee, plus he has said that he will look at some time inbetween, hopefully July. So, I think that pouring my heart out in an email, telling exactly how I'm feeling clearly had an effect rather than just getting irritable on the phone with him and getting now where. I did also send the email to his home & work email address so that he couldn't say he needed to wait to look in the rota diary! Half a result so far..... Will keep you posted.
Many thanks for listening.
Daisydoo xx