She's finally agreed to care home ...

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Financial assessment is booked for Thursday. This booking was made when she was still in hospital last week, with me to represent her and provide all her financial info. Case co seemed to suggest today that money would not be provided for a respite stay which mum has indicated this would be, as she wants to come home again after the trial period. We were using the term "trial" to suggest it was to let her get to know the place and them to get to know her - Home Manager said this is quite normal. Mum's suggestion that she is only going in to try it to keep us quiet is what seems to have thrown spanner in the works. We have been this far before, as same Case Co cancelled previous care home visit we had arrange whilst she was in hospital, as she rang us 2 hours beforehand to say Mum wanted to go home so would no longer apply.
You need to speak to a higher level officer than this case co. Ring the head office of SSD and ask for the name of her line manager. Explain tat whilst you understand wht mum wants to be at home, she is, in fact, a "failed discharge" as after just 3 short hours she was pleading for help. Explain that what matters now is what she NEEDS.

This is the worst possible time. I would put in writing the fact that this is not respite, it was only termed as that to enable an easy transition. Also put in writing that you do not wish any meetings to be held without your presence. I worked full-time and Social Services frequently phoned me in the morning saying they would be with mum within an hour! I also refused. It may also be worth asking the home's manager for assistance if they are helpful as they will have seen all this before. If anything like my mum, she will change her mind 20 times between now and settling. I found it helpful to say that the doctor wanted her to stay until the end of the month, carers at home could only be employed at the beginning of the month etc etc. Stall her with as many little lies as possible.

On the practical side, it may be good if you can start ensuring that all her clothes and possessions are labelled (I used Stikins - really easy and can be bought on line from Amazon). You may want to do this secretly to avoid any aggravation.

Mum will settle eventually and you will come to the end of the financial negotiations but expect this to take time. I was still fighting on finance 5 months after mum went into a nursing home!

Good luck, we are all with you, Anne
Thanks again for all replies.

We are just getting so tired of the rollercoaster of emotion over the last few weeks. First she is going in, then she isn't, then she is going home, then she isn't ... she finally gets home and lasts 3 hours before she is on the phone in tears begging to go in somewhere. We organise it, one little slip to the case co then its what we want not her choice, and its all up in the air again. I know they have rules to safeguard vulnerable elderly people being pushed into care against their will, but everyone at the hospital when we were preparing for discharge were against her going home, and yet her wish has the casting vote, ... then she changes her mind, then changes it back again.

I question whether the Mental Capacity assessment was adequate, as she is still in total denial about her abilities. We will struggle to get her out of the house in her wheelchair tomorrow, as the OT didn't think the ramps provided were adequate, so took them away and left us with nothing to negotiate her threshold and 2 steps. Mum said "Its Ok, put the chair outside and give me a walking stick and I will walk out to it" ... :blink:

I am not even sure where the "respite" term came into it, but I actually work in a respite centre myself (admin) and was chatting to the ladies from the home. One joked "you couldn't get mum in there could you" (we only offer weekly stays), so I suspect his is what Mum picked up on and thought it applied to her. We have tried to make the Case Co understand before that Mum says silly things and gets uptight when faced with "official" visitors so can ramble on without understanding the consequences of what she says. This is a prime example of how it can all get taken so wrongly. I am assuming we are still taking her up to the home tomorrow, as no one has told us otherwise, but the way things are going anything is possible ... the way I feel at the moment, I won't be running after her much longer anyway, as I married my hubby in sickness and in health, not his mother ... 21 years of marriage is a lot to chuck away though ...
If your husband isn't taking the lead role in this, then stand back and insist he does, or is he just letting you do it because he won't stand up to his mother?
Tell him straight, if he doesn't care enough about you to do something about his mother, then you may be forced to vote with YOUR feet!!
Tomorrow must be the last day you ever help her. It's already been proved that she CANNOT manage at home, I don't understand why the SW isn't supporting her to see sense.
If husband won't support her to go into the home tomorrow, then from tomorrow onwards, it's up to him to sort out his own mother. You have surrendered enough of your own life.
If she is saying one thing to some people, another story to others, then maybe this is the time to start accidentally on purpose putting your phone on record?
I went through so many situations similar to this with all four parents. It sounds horrible, but I'm so glad that part of my life is over.
SW says that Mum has to say the words herself, she cannot put them into her mouth or be seen to influence her into a decision against her will ... Mental Capacity seems to the be the key issue, but even if Mum passed 100 MCA assessments, doesn't change the fact that she cannot understand her current abilities and keeps saying "I want to go somewhere for a few weeks to get better" FFS she's been in hospital for 4 MONTHS, and is not going to get better. Maybe thats the key ... she will be in the home and no better, so she cannot go home until she is ...

As for hubby standing up to his mum, he has tried. He has told me to stay away, not do her washing, shopping, etc and he will call in once or twice a week himself, but the rest will have to whistle. If she doesn't go in tomorrow, that is the next step from us. I will be "busy" if she rings me at work asking for help or to call in on my way home and he will have to do the dirty work. There are currently 5 yellow bags of used pads in her garage, the Case Co hasn't even arranged a clinical waste collection, which I planned to sort out for her, but might just leave it now, as if the Case Co is so keen to help her cope at home, maybe she should get off her arse, stop hiding behind legislation and actually arrange all the lovely services she promised Mum would get at home.
((( HUGS))) LesleyAnne.
I'm sure your husband feels 21years of marriage is too much to throw away too!! Hope he sees sense asap as I'm sure he will. It's a rotten time for you both. Have some time together if you can, a meal, or whatever you like. Mother in law must NOT be mentioned!! Will be hard, but give it a go, just for an evening.
The Case Co can't have it both ways. As you say, either she arranges services for MIL to be able to manage completely independently, or arranges residential care.
The pads are a health issue, As they count as "Medical Waste" I though they should be collected daily by special collection, in special bags? The care company should be dealing with this. Usually I'd suggest talking to the council waste/bin collection department about the correct procedure in your area, and who arranges it. Hubby might like to leave a note in the carers log for them to sort it out?
I think you are right to leave the bags there. But I would just like to say that in our borough, pads are called clinical waste (I think), are wrapped in small bin bags and go into the big black bags and out with the normal rubbish once a week. This is all explained on the council's website. Some people in the borough do use the yellow bags and those are collected as medical waste. (Not sure about the terminology) I would look at your council's website to see what it says about waste.
I know this is going to be hard, and even sound hard, but you have to 'step aside' now COMPLETELY until your MIL is actually in the care home. And I would say that for your husband as well!

The problem is, you have become her 'enabler' - by being on the end of the phone, by actually going over there, by interacting at all with the SW/hospital etc, you allow her to keep this prevarication and 'yo-yoing' going indefinitely.

Only when YOU step aside - turn off your phone, tell her you are bowing out, and so is her son, and now it's up to her, the hospital and the social workers.

Only that will force the issue.

make sure she's got the phone number of the social worker (or 999 if necessary), so that she does have some one to phone and 'plead' as she's been doing with you.

Don't talk to the social workers, hospital or anything. Just bow out, and let the authorities realise that they are facing a choice of trying to keep a vulnerable and incapable elderly woman at her home alone....or taking her into care.

But you HAVE to stay out of it until the inevitable happends and she goes into care.

It's going to be hard, holding your nerve on this, but all you are doing, as I say, is 'enabling' her to keep yo-yoing.

I do feel sorry for her, as she clearly, from the way you describe her, is despareately trying to 'reverse time' and become younger and healthier. I'm sure we, too, will all resist to the last having to leave our home for residential care, but there it is. It's now, as we say on this board, a question of what she NEEDS, not what she WANTS.

So sad, infirm old age, but there it is.

Wishing you all the best....

PS - Not sure if I've said this on your thread, but something I always advocate, having done something along these lines myself with my own MIL, is to make her main residence that of the care home ,but if its at all possible, have her back home to you, say every other weekend, or even her own home, with you and your husband there, maybe, looking after her. That way she sort of 'weekly boards' at the care home, but doesn't feel she's left her home 'for ever'. (I did this at MIL's first care home, when her dementia was still mild - but required full time care, if not from the home, then me - and she came back to me twice a week for a taste of 'home life', which I could manage for that amount of time.)