Rubbish Day

[Alice]

Had such a bad day today that I considered leaving home - in fact I did for a while cos I sped off and had a good cry. Dad lives with me as he has dementia although not too badly but he hates my children. I'm sure they must get on his nerves sometimes but on the whole they are well behaved, thoughtful, considerate etc (not so much with each other!!!).
Dad was in a Nursing Home for a while but was very unhappy there, even though it was very nice, and had started to deteriorate much too quickly. My sister and I agreed that he would be much better off in a normal environment so he came to me (and has improved considerably). She wouldn't have him because he can be really difficult and nasty (that's before the dementia so you can imagine what he can be like now!) and she said her husband wouldn't have him in the house. She doesn't work and has a spare room with an en-suite. I'm a single mum of four and had to give up a good job to take care of him as well as turfing my daughter out of her bedroom and installing an extra shower room at my own expence. Unfortunately I am now financially dependant on him - I only claim child benefit and Carers Allowance and am using my rapidly depleting savings to pay the mortgage every month (that's why I can't claim means tested income support etc which is fair enough).
Anyway, this morning Dad tells me that he is going to live with my sister because my children are horrible. Mum loved all her grandchildren so much when she was alive and it breaks my heart that the one grandparent they have left wouldn't care less if they all dropped dead - and that's not the dementia , he's never had any time for them. I'm now in the positon of having given up a good job and being left with no income at a time when it won't be easy to get another one and certainly not at the pay I had before - I managed to get a temporary part time one at Christmas for minimum wage. Of course all this depends on whether she will actually have him but I just feel so upset that I've made so many sacrifices not just myself as it has all severly impacted on my children and our standard of living and he would think nothing of leaving us high and dry. They do say 'no good deed goes unpunished'.
Sorry for the long rant but I just feel so low right now and all I can do is cry. He would like to wave a magic wand and make my children dissapear and I would like to wave it and make me dissappear.

[paulingreece]

Hi Alice, you certainly have been through some tough times, i think now you know why your sister said he could not stay with them, you can only do so much, and i think you have done enough, its time to let him realise that his attitude has consequences. Unfortunatly we don't all have caring loving parents. From what you say, he was like this long before the dementia kicked in. If his sister will have him let him go, if not, then as hard as it is, its maybe time for the care home again, its not worth the harm and damage to you and your kids that carrying on will enevitably cause. A leopard will never change his spots, neither will a person who has been like this most of there life. There are not many choices i am afraid, you have done all you can, given far more than you have ever got back, look after no1 and the kids.

Paul.

[michael parker]

Families can be horrible,we can put ourselves through hell for them and get nothing in return.But i do believe that good comes to the good eventually.Try to shed some of your emotions and look at the situation as practically as possible.You children and yourself have to come first.If caring for your father is detrimental to any of you then you need to look at the options.I care for my parents,Mum is physically disabled and Dad has vascular dementia.At present we are all ok,but i know that Dads dementia is likely to reach a stage where caring for him will be detrimental to Mum and myself,and we will need to look at other options.You have done a lot for your Dad,and if he does not want to stay with you any more,then feel proud that you`ve done so much already.As for the work situation,that will change eventually,and maybe,if you`re Dad moves out you will have time to find/train for something even better than before.Try to look at the positives,i know all seems black at the moment,but you are clearly intelligent,and i have no doubt things will improve for you at some stage.Best wishes.

[malc]

can't you get child tax credit to ease the stress levels about money,then you might look at life with a better perspective,my mate quite well off but claims it

[Scally]

The kids always come first. You would be well shot of this curmudgeon. Even though it is a wrench, needs must.

[bowlingbun]

You need to sit down with someone who knows what you are going through and have a heart to heart discussion about the situation, the help which is available, and what your options are. You say that you're financially dependent on him so that's an important issue. You shouldn't be using up your savings looking after him, what are social services doing to help? Are you getting Direct Payments for him, for example? Do you have any respite? If you haven't done so already, it might be worth contacting the Alzheimer's Society, or the Princess Royal Trust for Carers, who have helped me. Try writing down a list of what you are most concerned about - over a few days. This might help clarify things in your mind. One thing is for sure, you are being a very good daughter, and should feel proud. In the future, you will be able to look back on this period of life and think that you did your best in the circumstances - you can't do better than that. Your sister isn't! I have two brothers, live away. Leave me with all the caring, never even ring up to ask me how I am coping. Jill

[Alice]

Thank you so much for all your replys. I thought I'd feel better today but I still feel really low. Spoke to my sister and she has agreed to have him for the weekend but no more. He wants me to pack up everything for him but how can I tell him that she doesn't want him? Even though he's really upset me I can't bear the thought of him being upset. I may have been a good daughter but I'm being a rubbish mother. All I ever do is try to keep the children quiet so they don't annoy him. Even on Christmas morning he was banging on the floor any shouting about them being unruly and inconsiderate for waking him up - it was 8am so not too unreasonable for excited children at Christmas. He also critises them and calls them names all the time - stupid, ignorant,etc which he did to me when I was little (still does) but I don't want them to have to experience this. I feel I've made such a big mistake by giving up my job and I can't see any way out at the moment. I will look into the tax credits. No idea what direct payments are but I suspect he would have to be quite bad to get them and whenever he has to see the doctor etc he is so charming that they all thing he is so lovely. I've told the children that if I ever get like that to put me down but to be honest I think they had already thought of it!!!

[no1mum]

Alice, sending you ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

[bowlingbun]

Direct payments are available from social services for people who care for disabled. Means tested I'm afraid. On a number of occasions in my life, usually planning issues, I have used still and video cameras to prove absolutely what I said was true. Do you have a friend with a video recorder? No one could argue with your evidence then, however sweet and charming he can be to doctors etc. I feel so much for you and your kids. Jill

[cotula]

Direct Payments (DPs) to a caree are means tested - DPs to a carer (in my case, anyway) are not. DPs are a way for the local authority to give funds for you to organise what you need (often sitting or other services to take the pressure off the carer) instead of the council employing and organising care workers.