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Sex as release of day to day pressures - Carers UK Forum

Sex as release of day to day pressures

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Hi

I am new here and do not know if this is ok to post here. i hope it is.

I have been my wife's carer for a long time now and we have always had an active and good sexual relationship. She now has been in remission of cancer now for 12 month, but still is not interested in sex. the problem is that sex always has been a pressure release and a necessity to life for me. i have got chronic illnesses myself and suffer from mental health as well, the as my wife and sex was something which kept my equilibrium.. so my question is does anybody have any ideas how to deal with this, should I consider looking for carers in the same boat as me, for some mutual relief? Or would this be wrong?
Mutual relief is probably preferable as far as the satisfaction stakes go (in the short term).

But is it the right thing to do? I'm not so sure: that must depend on your beliefs and feelings for your wife. Do you plan to tell her?

Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters should be sufficient for some simple gratification.
Good day, Jay. I respect your being open on this matter.

Alexander made a key point. Do you intend to tell your wife?

I don't intend to moralize, but you should consider a practical point. If you were to go ahead with another sexual partner without your wife's knowledge or consent, and she were to find out, the grief and distress this would bring on both of you would far out-balance any benefit gained.

You mention you have some health issues. Have you mentioned your need for sex with your doctor? I think that, following a frank and open discussion, your doctor, with overview of the whole picture, could well come up with a solution.

That is all I feel I can say at present. Others on the forum may come up with further suggestions, and I hope they do.

You asked if this is the right place to post. There is also a Private - Members Only section, especially for private matters or carers' own personal problems. If you should receive further contributions you may wish to consider continuing this thread there.
Denis_1610 wrote:
Mon May 21, 2018 12:51 pm
Good day, Jay. I respect your being open on this matter.

Alexander made a key point. Do you intend to tell your wife?

I don't intend to moralize, but you should consider a practical point. If you were to go ahead with another sexual partner without your wife's knowledge or consent, and she were to find out, the grief and distress this would bring on both of you would far out-balance any benefit gained.

You mention you have some health issues. Have you mentioned your need for sex with your doctor? I think that, following a frank and open discussion, your doctor, with overview of the whole picture, could well come up with a solution.

That is all I feel I can say at present. Others on the forum may come up with further suggestions, and I hope they do.

You asked if this is the right place to post. There is also a Private - Members Only section, especially for private matters or carers' own personal problems. If you should receive further contributions you may wish to consider continuing this thread there.
Sorry i made things not clear.
I few years back, when we were younger, we were swingers and had an open relationship, we have been married now for 35 years and are rock solid, as we have always been, never any problems or secrets.
My wife suffered a trauma, about 7 years back, which caused her mental health problems and that it when she did withdraw from society and the outside world, as according to her, they can not be trusted.
She has told me that i can go ahead and have sex with somebody else, but not in our house or any overnight stays and she does not want to be told about it.
We have talked to our Dr and my wife's counselor and also now her psychiatrist, but they all just say to give it time.
I live 40 miles from the nearest town, have not dated for years, so i would not even know where to start to find a willing partner.
Neither do i have the time to look, as i am a carer for her 7 days a week all day and just have a little time in the evening.
Thanks
Strange how threads of this nature crop up over the years ... many reads , few postings.

Almost on par with religion and politics when it comes to " Taboo " subjects NOT to be discussed on the Forum ... a natural need in all living creatures ... and yet a case of the " Not in front of the servants " attitude dominating vast reaches of society ???

A SERIOUS issue in CarerLand ... especially for any lone / isolated carers of either gender ... on par with many other issues ... even include it under HEALTH if one must categorise it.

Definately in the same category as malnutrition amongst family carers ... another issue covered by a separate thread.

Perhaps some would recommend a chemical straightjacket even today ... wasn't bromide added to tea in the army during the Second World War ? ... just rumour , or fact ?

To ignore it would be a grave mistake ... aren't all family carers human beings just like everyone else ?

Another stress factor that needs a remedy ... after all , a malfunctioning carer is not what the System needs.

Perhaps a Government study into the problem for both carers and carees alike.

Some may not like what the Study will reveal , and the proposals to " Ease " the problem.

Whatever ... one Issue that cannot be buried ... unless robots replace human carers ... or the " Chemical Straightjacketers " lobby win the argument ??
I too am surprised that there were not more replies to this thread. In fact, when I first saw it yesterday, I anticipated a s*it storm of angry responses ( mainly from women), along the line of 'How the hell can you be worrying about sex when your poor wife is in such a dire state??' . . . or some such comments.
If want to make it clear that that is not the opinion I have, just the backlash I was expecting? Interesting that only men have replied, so should we conclude that it's a problem women either don't have, or ( as Chris says) won't talk about? I'm going to stick my head above the paraphet here and say that I have always thought that sex was more important to men than women? In terms of comfort, self esteem and this 'release' that has been talked of?
Anyway, I feel great sympathy for the OP and I hope he can find some way of resolving it. And I take from his words, that he's looking for some emotional connection that the charmingly described 'Mrs Palm and her five sisters' won't supply? Interesting topic. And brave xx
Brave ?

Certainly in the context of the history of this , and the old PRT , forums.

The concept LOVE ... closely allied to but ... not the main point of this thread ... and that may upset the romanticists amongst our ranks ?

Hence my use of the word TABOO ... an Issue that affects millions of both carers and carees , of both genders , and yet ... an open discussion would , for some , be " Offensive. "

Perhaps an analogy ?

Use your remote to switch channels ... to read or not to read ... the choice is yours ... and add that " Right " to the short list of freely exercisable rights not needing any legal action to enforce !

Perhaps " The Mods " will be asked to close the thread ?

It is the Carers UK forum ... not ours ... and all posters must respect that.
On the other hand most women have had children and are therefore used to having their private areas examined, and will talk to their female friends about various issues in that area. Men seem very reluctant to talk about anything like prostate cancer, and failures in that department!
Male pride , BB ... stubborn pride ... a condition all males suffer from ... at times ... especially when short comings are exposed in whatever situation.

That age old phrase ... to swallow one's pride ... for most males , a regular occurrence.

Black humour is one outlet ... as most readers will know if they read what I post ?

Silence is golden ... perhaps ? ... and not just when a judge ( Or female companion ) has passed sentence ?

At least with a judge , the male gets a trial first !
I certainly wouldn't judge such honesty.
Myself, I miss my husbands arm round me, when things are not going well. He used to say that we will cope together and get through. Has no idea now and my aim is to keep him as happy and content as poss in his dementia world. I just treasure any spark of concern he very briefly has for me. Like the day in the hospital when he thought I had missed my dinner!
Silence isn't always golden Chris, whatever the issue, and we women have female pride lol