Respite Care

[linda2]

I've been looking after my mother more since my father died and have not had a holiday since the cruise we went on for my parents 60th Anniversary (my brother and his wife went as well) in March 2009. Although, to be honest, all the recent holidays I've had have been funded by my parents to look after them, so they haven't been much of a holiday. My brother and his wife on the other hand have had several holidays/weekends away. As my mother doesn't like anyone else but me looking after her, I resigned myself to not having a holiday/weekend away until after she died. But today we were talking about my brother's upcoming 2 week holiday in Spain and how they'll be coming back saying what a wonderful holiday they had. They always say they had a great holiday (well, my sister in law does mostly) when they've gone on their own but my sister in law tends to say she hasn't enjoyed the holidays when me and my parents have been with them. They gush about Egypt and it's always been one place I would love to go as I am quite interested in ancient Egypt. So my mam says, 'why don't I put her in respite care and book a holiday to Egypt.' I was stunned as she's never even wanted to leave her home for one night. I said it was a bit late for me to book now and I wouldn't know what to do about respite care. So she said I could think about it for next year.

So I'd be grateful if anyone can give me information on what to do to put someone in respite care for a couple of weeks. Do you have to pay? Are there any guidelines in looking after my mam that would have to be taken into account? An info would be gratefully received.

[Melly1]

Hi Linda, I have no knowledge or advice about this, but what a lovely thing of your Mum to say. Hope you can arrange it, sounds like you deserve it. What a fab thing to be looking forward to.

Melly1

[susieq]

First port of call should be your local Social Services to see what they have to offer.

If that doesn't pan out you may have to search around for a Care Home that offers respite care. Because Mum has too much in savings we don't get any financial assistance so we had to find, and pay for, one week's respite care so that I could have my first break in 4 years !

[Scally]

Because Mum has too much in savings we don't get any financial assistance so we had to find, and pay for, one week's respite care so that I could have my first break in 4 years !

Loved your telly appearance, by the way.

Faced with savings that are too large for comfort, I can think of various ways of reducing the problem. An around the world six months cruise springs to mind. You wouldnt be the first! Honestly, the system sucks, but any system leaves a few loopholes.

[linda2]

Who had the telly appearance Scally? It certainly wasn't me.

[Ginny Gem]

Over the years I've heard so many carers say their carees won't agree to this, that or the other and especially not wanting to go into respite to give the carer a break, that this has come as a lovely reminder of how wonderful and thoughtful our 'mums' can be despite their age or problems...

It's very hard having to put up with all the holiday gushing from siblings, seems very insensitive and selfish, but imo it just goes to show what type of person they are inside and I guess you're not wanting to emulate that side of their nature eh?

Mine is different situation as my caree is my husband but I had SW sort out respite for me on personal budget, so maybe your first port of call is to talk with a SW, whatever happens though I do hope you manage to find a solution Linda and have some great holiday 'me' time, remember never say never

[linda2]

Thanks Ginny, but what is an SW? You're right - it it insenstive for others to gush about their holidays when you can't have one. What's worse for me is that my brother always asks me to take him and his wife to the airport and bring them back afterwards and have to listen to then talk about what a wonderful holiday they've had. But, as my brother so insensitively pointed out, I took on the job of caring for my parents (now just mother since dad died in October) and I get paid for it - like they didn't take on their jobs and they don't get paid for it. How am I any different. I can't even go on the sick like they can. They just make me so angry sometimes. Rant over again.

[susieq]

Thanks Ginny, but what is an SW?

SW = Social Worker
SS = Social Services
LA = Local Authority
CA = Carers Allowance or Carers Assessment

You need to get in touch with the Adult Services Team of your local Social Services Department and have them do an assessment on your Mum as to what type of care she will need (you should also get a carers assessment for yourself whilst you're about it !). Depending on your financial situation you may have to pay towards to respite care, but the SW will be able to advise you on this. Respite Carer services vary from LA to LA so you could start by checking out your local council's website and take it from there.

[linda2]

Thanks Susie. It's going to be a while before it happens but I'll make enquiries. Apparently my brother has offered to look after my mam if I want to have a week off and go somewhere!!!!!!! I wish I could believe him but I know different. Him and his wife make gestures they don't follow through. My sister in law once offered to go to my mam's and do her housework for her on a Saturday (because I hate housework) - that never happened. My bother works 12 hour shifts on a 4 on 4 off basis. When he started this shift pattern he offered to give me a day off during the week when he was off work - that never happened. And as they both work I can't see how they can look after my mam. Plus she doesn't feel happy having her son or his wife looking after her. So, I'm not holding out much hope that it will ever happen. Also, if it did happen, they would have to sit down and talk to me and tell what plan of action they have to take care of her. My mam told my brother on Saturday that he was out of order when he implied that I don't work hard. He said that it came out wrong and he didn't mean anything by it. That's when he offered to look after her. Sorry - don't believe you. He had the chance to say something to me yesterday when he came round to my mam's, but said NOTHING. Not even an apology. I guess it was too much to ask for. Maybe one day I'll have that break. heavy sigh

[susieq]

Linda your story is all too familiar with most of us here !

When it was first decided that Mum couldn't be left on her own any longer my sister promised to 'share' the care - now when there are only two to 'share' you'd assume 'share' would mean 50/50 - especially as we're both retired now ? Wrong - to my sister 'share' means she does 2 x 5 hours a week plus 1 weekend a year ! With the remaining 'share' being all mine !! She tells me she 'empathises' with my situation, but in reality she has absolutely no idea what it's like being with someone with Alzheimer's 24/7/365. And, yes, I get totally p*ssed off when she goes on about their 'next' holiday - 2 so far this year with at least 1 more to come in the Autumn - in total the one week I managed in the last year cost me plenty - the cost of my own break; cost of putting cat in cattery and cost of Mum going into respite care - for the price of that one week's holiday in the UK I could have had a 3 week holiday somewhere hot and sunny !

I think you need to remind your brother and sister-in-law of their broken promises and call their bluff about looking after your Mam so that you can have a proper break.