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Mum won't stay in bed at night.. - Carers UK Forum

Mum won't stay in bed at night..

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My stepfather is main carer for mum (84)she has altzeimers with dementia..He tried a care home for three weeks..not happy as she had three falls so took her home..been home for two months..now says he wants her in a nursing home as he can't take her not recognising him etc.
She won't stay in bed at night so he is so tired not being able to sleep.
He has funds but not going to last long...Can they put a charge on his house? If mum passes before him how does he pay for care if he should need it in the future..?..At wits end as had problems getting carers to visit etc....
He has nothing to fear about a charge on the house. Has mum had a Needs Assessment from Social Services? They should do a formal financial assessment. This can either be jointly or indivjdually, so if the savings are in dad's name alone, it would be best done individually. At the end of the assessment, they will say how much has to be contributed towards their care. Top ups are unlawful unless for extras. Is mum receiving Attendancd Allowance? Claiming exemption from Council Tax due to severe mental impairment? Has dad given you power of attorney? Writtn a will?
Remember, only HER money has to be used to pay care/nursing home fees, including her share of the house/flat. NOT YOURS.

Not a single one of us has ANY 'legal duty of care' towards ANYONE else (except maybe our children under 18!), and sometimes we have to remind SS and councils of that! They may like to 'presume' that 'of course' family will 'contribute'. But legally we DO NOT HAVE TO!

I'm sure your mum will, sadly, be better off now in a (good) care home - my poor MIL with deep dementia now cannot walk, speak, or barely recognise me (if that) and she is doubly incontinent. She needs 24x7 care, (definitely as, when she was still mobile, she too, was a 'night wanderer' - but of course, in a care home, there is a full night-team on duty to look after her, unlike your poor tired stepdad.)

I wouldn't worry TOO much about falls - it's dreadfully common when they get to that stage alas. Also, again, as the dementia progresses, the time is not to long now before your poor mum won't be able to walk (the brain forgets how to do it) and then she won't be able to fall anyway. Not a happy way to look at it, I know, but there it is.

I hope you can make the most of your mum, and store what happy memories you can have. It's desperately distressing when they no longer recognise you, but the thing to remember is that, for them, THEY are not unhappy. It's really worse for us, than it is for them. They now live in a kind of constant 'mist' or 'daze', and providing all the carers are kind and patient with them, that is the most important thing now. I am so used, when I visit MIL, of seeing relatives crying as they leave...yet the parent/spouse they are leaving behind is quite oblivious of it - they are in a 'world of their own' by then.

Kindest wishes to you at sad and distressing time, Jenny
Thank you for your reply..it is a stressful situation!As he is next of kin he does all the legal stuff..I don' t really get a say..just concerned about mum..she looks so upset sometimes..he does shout at her sometimes..she doesn't know where she is & that frustrates him..I did think that if he did find another home that they couldn't force him to sell their house..he might need care in the future..who knows?