Wow, barrowgirl and Little Lamb, it was so emotional to read your posts. When I posted again, I had no idea I might actually help someone from it - what a feeling!
There must be a burning question on your minds though:
"HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THE GUILT??"
Firstly, accept the guilt as a part of 'who you are', secondly, other people will have opinions, and thirdly, get a toolbox for weak moments:
This was the one, biggest, most monstrous hurdle when I broke off from my mother. She's instilled guilt in me since I was 6, maybe before, so it wasn't something that was just going to switch off.
I tortured myself over it - how can I live with myself, abandoning my own Mother, the woman who gave birth to me, fed me, read me bedtime stories ... etc? How can I live with the glances from neighbours who I presumed thought "how could she?"?
Well, the guilt is all still there - much less strong now, as I see the evidence of her coping well - much better, even - but it's there. And the way I look at it is like a part of me I can't change. I have blonde hair - I can dye it, but it's still there (maybe a tad greyer!). I am a certain height - I can wear high heels, but I can't change my height. I have guilt, it's a part of me, I can cover it over with a smile and a shrug, but it's there.
And as for the facts - okay, yes, she's my biological mother and yes, she has shown me many kindnesses, but she has also beaten me in public, humiliated me over the years, destroyed relationships, steamrollered my life and at the end, nearly sucked all the life from me, leaving nothing for my son! And as for neighbours? Yes, some were forming opinions - mostly relief to see me refuse to accept the behaviour they'd seen me receive!
And now, the opinions I sometimes get faced with, from the care workers or out-of-hours GPs that visit or even 'friends' of hers are, yes, sometimes, "why doesn't that daughter spend more time with her ailing Mother?". Mum particularly likes those people!
She recently forwarded me an email she'd sent to a friend discussing an emergency doc that came out who was "shocked to the core that a daughter would treat a mother so cruelly"...!
But there isn't one judgemental face I see that doesn't subtly change when they spend a bit more time with her, reflecting a newfound realisiation of why this particular daughter doesn't run and jump any more.
Yes, I weakened at the weekend - she'd given me two whole compliments on the Friday visit, before dropping the bomb about Xmas and how terrible/unthinkable it would be to spend Xmas day alone, knowing how much she adores Xmas...! So back I came over here, to remind myself of where I was and WHY. This forum is part of my 'toolbox'.
The other thing I have in my arsenal against GUILT is a big file of emails, handwritten notes, letters, notes about police visits and social services calls - all proof of her craziness, hurtfulness and calculated attacks. They remind me of when the penny finally dropped and I realised her attacks were NOT her illness bubbling up randomly, but intentional, targetted and deeply thought out and directed at me.
Yes, her attacks were DRIVEN by her illness, but her disdain for me has always been there - so at what point do you stop excusing the 'illness' and start refusing the abuse?
Finally, the best bit of my toolbox are my closest friends - when I question my motives and feel bad again, they remind me of the times I was literally cowering behind my front door, shaking, if I saw my Mum back then. They ask me if I want to go back to self-medicating with alcohol and food to squash the dreadful feelings I had inside. They tell me how proud they are of where I am now.
So yeah, I still feel the guilt, not as badly as I did, but it's still there. And deep sorrow it couldn't have been another way - I was SO willing to give anything to help her, but SHE made it impossible. And in a way now, I feel I'm doing the best thing for her now, by living my life fully for myself - it's all I would want for my son, and what she 'should' want for her daughter. I'll just presume she wants that really, just on a deeper level, that doesn't show!
Sprinter and Scally, thanks also for your comments. I don't want to encourage carers to stop doing their amazing, thankless jobs, but I think when the lines between caring and abuse are so blurred, as was my case, it can be hard to see what life can be like if you walk away. It's by no means perfect, but it IS possible and the world didn't end when I did it.
Lina xxx
P.S. Myrtle - cross-posted! Ah, it's the heels is it? Whoo hoo!
xxxxx
