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Ready to quit caring - don't want to, but can't stand it :( - Page 4 - Carers UK Forum

Ready to quit caring - don't want to, but can't stand it :(

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Just a quick update - awful day yesterday. Spent whole day at Mum's, as the carer came to mine after her visit and said she'd called an emergency doctor out and could I wait for him with her, as she couldn't be alone. I was asked to stay downstairs, as Mum didn't want me anywhere near her. She's suicidal. All I can hear are occasional weeping and random chattering to the cats.

Waited. GP arrived, listened to me, was very emotionally concerned then went to see her. He came back downstairs shaking and fully decided on a Section. He told her she'd be going to hospital, she was happy with that.

He told me to wait for the crisis team to turn up for an assessment, and that they would do the process of sectioning. She now allows me near her, as she is obsessed with getting ready for hospital, packing things, hiding drugs. Barking orders to pack totally random and weird things.

Three hours later, the team turns up, two women, they don't really talk to me, but say that they are the wrong team to be there and can't do a section. They go to talk to her, she becomes enraged once they mention they can't admit her to hospital, and she kicks them out of the room. They tell me that they haven't been able to assess her, so I need to call emergency social services. Mum's screaming and wailing upstairs, and even though she's completely unstable now, with me being the demon, I really feel her despair. Ugh.

So next few hours spent phoning between emergency social services and the crisis team, each one passing me to the other. Finally call out of hour doc again, and wait another hour for a call back. By now, Mum has calmed down and resigned herself to not going anywhere, unpacked everything, and is trying to get evening stuff done. She doesn't want any more strangers in the house. GP calls. She wants to send out a doc within the next 4 - 5 hours. Finally I say no. She's not a harm to herself now, while she's calm.

So today, I'm going to be in contact with the crisis team again, and try to get her assessed and then voluntarily admitted to a psychiatric ward somewhere. That and try to explain to the various people that are starting to email me and call me about what's going on with her, due to being freaked out by things she's saying or doing.

We had that too. I feel very angry as families are left at the end of their tether.I hope you have some good luck today.xxThinking of you.
Thought things were on the up........................then it all goes downhill again.

I often think a carers life is like that of a recovering alcoholic..............taking a day at a time.... but without the strong drink in the background.

My broomstick lives in the gas cupboard, along with the hatstand for my many hats.........nurse, cook, driver etc., etc.,

Take care
Well, nothing happened today... mostly as she's 'stable' now, and doesn't see me as the spawn of the devil...today.

Lazydaisy - yes, but it's beginning to dawn on me HOW LONG it takes to go from close family 'noticing' to the profession noticing. I know now, firmly, due to the on call doc 'seeing' that it's now just a matter of time before her problems are 'noticed'. She's still going to respite on Weds, and hopefully, someone there will take note of the changes since she was there in the summer. I don't believe she can hold an act together for 10 days...

meg - I know what you're saying (unfortunately, too well!). Yes, I'm taking each day as it comes, each hour as it comes, as sometimes I'm an angel and others I'm the devil...those'll be the hat's I'm wearing at the moment, so it's quite easy to change, not much variety! And I'm afraid, the drink is the only comfort when I get home at night and there's nowt else to do. A separate problem, but I know it well enough to know it's short-lived. Just coping as best I can, eh?

Broomstick is rested at mo, parked out of harms way while I do angel work. Image lol

Lina xxx

P.S. wow this is a short post for me! Image
Thanks audrey Image

Well, here's an update while I'm waiting for calls to be returned from SS etc.

After that hellish Saturday, we'd arranged for her to go to Respite, paid for by a local charity, getting her there on Weds. It was a very difficult few days, with me swinging between angel and devil, but just trying to remain calm.
Weds arrives, and I've told the Care Home we'll be arriving between 12 and 2pm, and I have to pick my son up from school at 3pm. My day started at 10am, getting a list from her of what she needs from town, and I go shopping. An hour later, I'm back. By 1pm I've arranged for someone to pick my son up, as I can see we're nowhere near ready. Mum is like a wild banshee, barking orders of what needs to be packed and trying to control everything. She's repeatedly assured me that CareUK has been cancelled for the 10 days she'll be away. We finally set off at 4.30pm, by this time, my levels of 'calm' are running seriously low. Get to the care home at 5pm and I spend half hour setting up her TV etc and talking to the person in charge - mostly what I want from them is to see if they notice any changes in her since she was with them in August. I finally pick my son up at 6pm ish. Exhausted, but am relieved I have 10 days to catch up on all in my own life that is getting neglected.

Thursday. I'm actually happy! Feeling great doing the school run, then a bit of shopping for myself and by 10am home with a cuppa, allowing myself to relax, just a bit. 10.15am, get a call from one of her friends - the care home have called her, saying Mum is adamant she's coming home TODAY! I call the care home, there's a riot going on!! Mum is shouting and screaming and demanding they don't call me, that she's going home, she hates the room, hates all the staff, has had staff members in tears... oh my! They can't hold her, as she's not had a mental capacity test, the manager says she should be in a psychiatric ward, ie sectioned, and would not have been accepted there, if they'd known! I tell them she can't come home, as there is no care package in place as CareUK has been cancelled. I'm told that Mum had NOT cancelled the package, as she had fully intended to come home the next day!!!!

The shock begins to hit me at how I've been completely taken for a ride. She ran me ragged the day before, and now was heading back. No rest, no peace, no calm. Apparently she's absolutely furious that the care home have contacted me - of course, she'd planned the whole shebang! I'm not sure what she exactly intended, maybe I would go over to feed the cats and she'd be sitting there and just say 'hah!'? Who knows.

Anyway, she gets home via taxi, complains to the care home that the taxi driver didn't unpack for her, and a GP is called. She is again assessed as sectionable, the correct team comes out and agrees, but as she agrees to go to hospital voluntarily, no section was applied.

She's being discharged today, with repeat diagnosis of Personality Disorder, on an anti-psychotic, and apparently just as demanding, if slightly calmer.

I've called SS last week, and today to tell them I definitely quit and she will need to be reassessed urgently to replace me.

In the meantime, looking up Personality Disorder, the levels of manipulation and cunning I have been brought up with and have believed to be true, about myself, are shocking. I wish someone had explained PD to me when I decided to be her carer, there should have been some professional in place to cover all the issues I could've been faced with. But as with every other aspect of caring, you have to just learn on the job. Now I'm an emotional wreck, questioning just about everything I believe to be true.

Luckily, some counselling I asked for six months ago has come through, just in time, and I start on Thursday - LOL, she's gonna have her work cut out!!

What a mess. I'm definitely out of there though, in all ways. Yes, she's two doors down from me, but I'll just have to BE STRONG.

Lina xxx
Hi Lina,
I want to say something but there are no words.
I am thinking of you and hope you get your Mum in somewhere soon.
Take care of yourself and your son first.
Lina, Good luck tomorrow wih the counselling - this could be really good for you xxx
Hello Lina,

What an awful time you have had............again.

Hope the councelling works for you. Look forward to hearing how you get on.

TAke cre
Well, hello people! Almost nine months has passed in what seems like a blur.

I am sorry I didn't post again, but it did all carry on for quite a while - the craziness, the accusations, visits from police that Mum had reported me to, you name it! I felt like I couldn't even talk to people any more, there was no strength left... or so it seemed.

Eventually, I removed myself and my son from any contact at all apart from written replies to crazy notes shoved through my door and didn't see the woman for five months.

I got off carers allowance and income support and within two weeks I had found myself a good job at the University. I restarted my PhD, and since that time, have made great progress, with the job going full time and recently, doing so well, I may even have a promotion coming my way!

That time back in January was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but also the best. I gained some strength from somewhere - the support here was an IMMENSE help - and kept on pushing through. I refused to be beaten. I decided to set my path perpendicular to the black hole that my mother had become, wherever that may lead me, and it has lead me well.

Recently, contact with my mother has resumed, ONLY as my son misses her so much, and it is on MY terms (one hour on a Friday. That is all.). Her mental illness seems to've subsided a bit (It was steroid-induced psychosis that had pushed her over the edge, but it's effects lasted a good few months! The ageing effects on her Personality Disorder are still dire though.), but I'm not falling for any of the niceties she may try - and the verbal attacks I simply ignore now.
Despite all her claims of how much she needed me, she's managing just fine without me, even better actually - she still has her two-a-day care visits, but is much more independent, arranging taxis and shopping trips and visits. It was such a co-dependent relationship - unhealthy on both sides!

I had weakened a bit over the weekend, I admit (due to her asking what 'our' plans were for Christmas - after everything that kicked off last Christmas? LOL!), and that's one of the reasons I headed back over here for a reminder of how awful it was. I got that very much reading this now, but also the utterly amazing support here.

I couldn't have done it without you lot, your amazing, kind, generous words and waves of support. I thank you ALL from the very bottom of my heart, as I wouldn't be where I am now without you.
Again, I'm sorry I didn't come back at the time, but I hope you understand it was so very hard back then and when I moved on with my life, I didn't want to think about anything 'carer' related at all!! I thought about all of you, all the carers, the hardships, the trials, the heartbreak...

You are all amazing - this forum is a lifeline and saved my life, literally. I also wanted to share that there IS life after caring - AND life after abuse. The World did not collapse when I threw the towel in, as I'd been lead to believe - it just kept on turning! If there's someone out there going through what I went through, I hope this message will reach you - IT WILL BE OKAY.


Lina xxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S. I kept the broomstick as a souvenir - I dust it off occasionally when I feel like being a Psychotic Witch Image
You are so very welcome, and I so hope this can help someone!! I owe a lot to this forum and the people here - you are amazing people! Forgotten by a government that doesn't give a s**t, pressured even further by savage cuts, without support, help, advice... you name it! And THEN you have time to help each other in this virtual world? Amazing.

I still have a way to go, but before, I was downtrodden, exhausted, a doormat, in a thankless and hopeless situation - now I'm in the saddle, on the horse! (Still learning to steer the damn thing, but so much more in control of my own life now!) Image

Anything's possible. Image

Love to y'all!

Lina xxx