Again, thanks for all your support - I don't know what I'd do without this lifeline right now.
paulingreece - I'm sorry I haven't replied to your post earlier, I'm all over the place at the moment, but I heard you and gain a lot of strength from those of you who HAVE walked away. And yes, I have been more of a slave than a daughter as time has gone on.
pixienubbins - thankyou for your heartfelt message - yes, not many good days at the moment.
Meg - after what she did yesterday, I've been thinking of all the ways now that she could go for, and wouldn't put that past her! Luckily I'm in Essex, but if I were in Leicestershire, I'd suggest we could start a community group for Evil Mothers?
audrey - feel free to join the coven and put your own broomstick anywhere you see fit - it's very therapeutic!
Joking aside, feeling quite low and exhausted today and just want to put my thoughts down. Just got back from the school run, and passing an antique shop, found myself looking in the window and thinking 'mum would love that', then just feeling sad, as I guess the 'good bits' are gone now. It feels like she's died. Maybe I am actually grieving for the Mum I always hoped she would be.
Also feeling a sense of loss for the years I've bought into her... 'lies' is not right, just 'way of being' I guess... and it's all been for nothing. I fought against her wishes and moved to London when I was 21, but eventually decided to move back, as I missed my home village and her, my Mum. And the next 15 years have been slowly absorbed by her, bit by bit, more and more of my life has become hers. Relationships have come and gone, mostly due to her influence, apart from my marriage which lasted a massive 5 years. That was mostly as my ex learned early to take everything she said with a pinch of salt, and to 'play along' when in her company - that was the only way to handle her. And now I don't bother with relationships, they'll never be up to her standards and she'll just keep on picking at them until it's unbearable - that's what happened last time, nearly two years ago now and it was a great shame to see it go.
But this is where I feel quite responsible for her current situation (not in the way she'd like me to feel responsible), in that I've 'enabled' her. She's said "Jump!" and I've asked how high. Yes, she's bullied me, but it takes two to tango, and I've ALLOWED her to bully me.
How can I be shocked that she doesn't have a scrap of respect for me, when I've not stood my ground to earn any?
I get so upset that she doesn't see who I am, but in her eyes, she sees the packhorse she's created, the person that says 'yes, mother' just for an easy life, but in her eyes, a spineless, worthless packhorse, only worthy of performing duties. And how can I be angry with that, when I have to hold my hand up and say I've behaved in just that way? How else was she going to see me? Even she said recently how surprised she was when I held a small party at my home for my son at how confident I'd looked. She doesn't see me talking at the school gates with other Mums, out with some of my old friends, or interacting academically when I was actually still doing my studies at Uni. She's never seen that, so how could she know?
And I'll say again that I've 'enabled' her to be helpless - I arranged the extra care packages for her, got her to appointments, took her to hospital, called ambulances, cleaned up her commode and changed her sheets, so that she now believes fully that she NEEDS all of that. I'm not questioning the fact that she DOES need help and care, but somehow I feel responsible for that? She's always demanded help, even before the disability(ies), and for a long time I refused or resented it, but then I started doing it more and more. And as I gave more and more, she took more and more, and has maybe convinced herself that she cannot function without now. ?
I firmly believe there are always two inputs when you have two people, and I see how I've made my own mistakes, admittedly, I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but I'm by no means innocent in all this. I can see I made my bed, but am thinking I don't want to lie in it any more. And I can see how she probably feels cheated of that now, that I 'promised' I would be there for her, but that I've let her down, apparently just when she needs me the most.
Mostly, I wish I could go back to my early self in London and tell her not to bother, it won't help, it won't change a thing, she will always disapprove and you'll never change that. I don't like regretting things, and I know this situation will somehow benefit me in the future, but today, it feels crap.
Heavy weight on the shoulders today
Sorry such a long and gloomy post, normal service should be restored shortly,