Ready to quit caring - don't want to, but can't stand it :(

[poppett]

Hello Lina

I had to check you didn`t stay in Leicestershire as today`s antics are a mirror image of my sister in law who hates me and her daughter who used to be there every day, was physically and mentally abused until GP forced her to take a step back and allow SS to take over a care package. After reporting her daughter missing causing a massive police search and angst to the family when her daughter did return her mum phoned the police and had her arrested for assault and theft, resulting in a night in the cells.................don`t let it go this far for you!!

Take care
Meg

[tangentc]

Again, thanks for all your support - I don't know what I'd do without this lifeline right now.

paulingreece - I'm sorry I haven't replied to your post earlier, I'm all over the place at the moment, but I heard you and gain a lot of strength from those of you who HAVE walked away. And yes, I have been more of a slave than a daughter as time has gone on.

pixienubbins - thankyou for your heartfelt message - yes, not many good days at the moment.

Meg - after what she did yesterday, I've been thinking of all the ways now that she could go for, and wouldn't put that past her! Luckily I'm in Essex, but if I were in Leicestershire, I'd suggest we could start a community group for Evil Mothers?

audrey - feel free to join the coven and put your own broomstick anywhere you see fit - it's very therapeutic!

Joking aside, feeling quite low and exhausted today and just want to put my thoughts down. Just got back from the school run, and passing an antique shop, found myself looking in the window and thinking 'mum would love that', then just feeling sad, as I guess the 'good bits' are gone now. It feels like she's died. Maybe I am actually grieving for the Mum I always hoped she would be.
Also feeling a sense of loss for the years I've bought into her... 'lies' is not right, just 'way of being' I guess... and it's all been for nothing. I fought against her wishes and moved to London when I was 21, but eventually decided to move back, as I missed my home village and her, my Mum. And the next 15 years have been slowly absorbed by her, bit by bit, more and more of my life has become hers. Relationships have come and gone, mostly due to her influence, apart from my marriage which lasted a massive 5 years. That was mostly as my ex learned early to take everything she said with a pinch of salt, and to 'play along' when in her company - that was the only way to handle her. And now I don't bother with relationships, they'll never be up to her standards and she'll just keep on picking at them until it's unbearable - that's what happened last time, nearly two years ago now and it was a great shame to see it go.
But this is where I feel quite responsible for her current situation (not in the way she'd like me to feel responsible), in that I've 'enabled' her. She's said "Jump!" and I've asked how high. Yes, she's bullied me, but it takes two to tango, and I've ALLOWED her to bully me.
How can I be shocked that she doesn't have a scrap of respect for me, when I've not stood my ground to earn any?
I get so upset that she doesn't see who I am, but in her eyes, she sees the packhorse she's created, the person that says 'yes, mother' just for an easy life, but in her eyes, a spineless, worthless packhorse, only worthy of performing duties. And how can I be angry with that, when I have to hold my hand up and say I've behaved in just that way? How else was she going to see me? Even she said recently how surprised she was when I held a small party at my home for my son at how confident I'd looked. She doesn't see me talking at the school gates with other Mums, out with some of my old friends, or interacting academically when I was actually still doing my studies at Uni. She's never seen that, so how could she know?
And I'll say again that I've 'enabled' her to be helpless - I arranged the extra care packages for her, got her to appointments, took her to hospital, called ambulances, cleaned up her commode and changed her sheets, so that she now believes fully that she NEEDS all of that. I'm not questioning the fact that she DOES need help and care, but somehow I feel responsible for that? She's always demanded help, even before the disability(ies), and for a long time I refused or resented it, but then I started doing it more and more. And as I gave more and more, she took more and more, and has maybe convinced herself that she cannot function without now. ?
I firmly believe there are always two inputs when you have two people, and I see how I've made my own mistakes, admittedly, I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but I'm by no means innocent in all this. I can see I made my bed, but am thinking I don't want to lie in it any more. And I can see how she probably feels cheated of that now, that I 'promised' I would be there for her, but that I've let her down, apparently just when she needs me the most.

Mostly, I wish I could go back to my early self in London and tell her not to bother, it won't help, it won't change a thing, she will always disapprove and you'll never change that. I don't like regretting things, and I know this situation will somehow benefit me in the future, but today, it feels crap.

Heavy weight on the shoulders today

Sorry such a long and gloomy post, normal service should be restored shortly,
Lina xxx

[paulingreece]

Hi ya Lina, maybe the best thing to do is say out loud, THE REST OF MY LIFE STARTS TODAY,
yes it takes 2 to tango, but only one to start it. You can blame yourself for the next 20 years, it will make not one iota of differance. The outcome will always be the same, you cannot change whats inside a person. Under circumstances alot of people can only imagine, you stuck by her and helped, that takes guts, because you knew deep down what was going on, but ignored it to do what was expected. Your mum made her bed, she now has to lie in it without you, but that has always been her choice. It never takes long for a person to show there true colours, but it sometimes takes along time for others to see them, now you have to pick yourself up and dust yourself of, and look to a better future for you and your son, it will be hard and very emotional, but with the courage you have shown so far, its not impossible.
Stop thinking about what could have been and start thinking about the rest of your life, use your new freedom to treat your son and yourself, but whatever you do stop looking back, you will never change the outcome, no matter how hard you try, good luck and best wishes.

[susieq]

Hello Lina

I've been following this thread with interest and can see that it is helping you to 'offload' here - very therapeutic.

What I've found generally in life is that there are 'givers' and there are 'takers' - you are the first and your Mother is the second. Nothing will change that unless you have the will to change it; I think that you are very close to actually making the change now and I applaud you for having the courage to recognise that matters must now change.

It feels like she's died. Maybe I am actually grieving for the Mum I always hoped she would be

Yes, you probably are but from what you've said she is unlikely to change and I doubt she will ever be the Mum you hoped she would be. If nothing you can say or do is ever 'right' then you must step back from the situation and let others take over. There is no law that says because you are her daughter you must be the one to do the caring but there is a law that says slavery and abuse is wrong.

I can understand your feelings that, in some way, you have endorsed your Mother's behaviour towards you but you know that you are a lovely, intelligent, kind person and that you deserve better for yourself and your son.

[paulingreece]

This is for Meg, my mother came from Leicestershire, Swannington just outside Colville.

[Lil r]

Let's be frank Lina, you have only endorsed this behaviour in as much as you gave something that was asked of you by someone that said they needed it. What did you give exactly? Love, kindness, help.
And if you are being bullied into giving more and more, your choices are somewhat limited and things are taken out of your control, such that saying no becomes almost impossible, for that is the nature and consequence of bullying.
Perhaps, if you really must be harsh with yourself, you should have been strong and stood up to her and realised and said no, enough, like parents do to naughty children. But stop that. You are the child, not the parent (and age does not matter to this dynamic). Your mum is ill and you were trying to make her better. And your mother is a grown adult on a conscious journey. She knows right from wrong. And as a fully formed adult, with capacity, the responsibility lies fully with her.
Sometimes we do have to say no. No to blame.
Forgive yourself that you didn't notice sooner, this is just a measure of how manipulative she was, not how blind you were. And is it any wonder? You did not want to believe this of your mother, so this stopped you making it real. This makes you a good person. The fact that you are beating yourself up over it makes you a good person. I suspect your mother is good also, as she gave birth to you, but for one reason or another, she is not realising that right now. Perhaps in the future she will again, time will tell.
As for your future - it is everything you want to make it and nothing you don't. Go for it, do not look back. You only regret the things you don't do, not the things you do.
Very very best of luck and many thoughts sent your way xxx

[no1mum]

Lina, in no way are you a witch. I'm one of the ones who have cut myself off from my parents for several reasons, some of them being that they are alcoholics, bullies, mind controlling monsters. Take care (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Karen x x

[poppett]

Lina,

Every marathon starts with one step: Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life:

I could go on but you have made the first step by realising you are in an abusive relationship and it is in your hands to protect yourself and your son.

I hope you will get support from social services to allow you to be a daughter on your terms and let them take on the daily caring role, if that is what is best for you.

Broomsticks are such fun...............parking them even more fun...............so join the club and help take your mind off your troubles.

I have often said to Dad when things get heated.."I`ll just leave on my broomstick". He just laughs now, as he knows I will be back.............on my terms.

Take care
Meg

[twbailey]

Lina, it's hard to explain how I feel after reading this thread, but I'll try....

Well, as you know, I've only just become to realise how amazing it is to have all you guy's there to help out and hear how I feel, and your post is one of the first that I've ever responded to....

We both seem to have quite a bit in common, so hopefully we can reassure each other a little, the fact that you are out there somewhere has already helped me loads, although I know all us carer's would rather it not have to be this way......It's just a mercy in so many ways not to be completely alone x

Well, not being used to this Lina, where can I start? I don't want to get into trouble by mentioning medication, I don't know all the 'policy's' yet, but hopefully my similar experience's will justify the advice I can offer.....

My Mum has been living with Huntington's Disease now for around 17 years, at first it did seem as if Mum was going out of her way to make life difficult me and Dad, almost as though it was her way of making us suffer as well as herself! In our case, the fact that Dad was 50 years old when I was born has increasingly made us aware, that my Mum's care would be down to me. I'm their only child. It did seem for a while as though my Mum knew that I could never walk away, and I honestly thought that if she could see that something upset me, then she would do it all the more!!! How frustrating is that Lina? I kinda get the feeling that you may be trying to express a similar pattern of events duck? It's so so hard to pluck up the energy and commitment that a carer needs, when the person you love so much, that you are willing to sacrifice so much for, seems to want to watch as you toil endlessly in misery! but thankfully, as bad as things may seem, it is often the case that their illness really is the main party at blame babe! Mum's Huntington's seems to encompass quite a few ailments, some not dis-similar to your Mum's bi-polar illness, what I hope will help you out, is that in the early day's (when Mum seemed, well, just bloody evil! lol) our GP tried all sorts of treatments, and there are some that make such a difference that it's sometimes hard for me to think how I would cope now without having tried.....but as you know, there's no magic pill to put everything right, but I just want to let know not to despair duck, it seems as though you are like all of us here, and that no matter what, you're in this for the long haul! It's just the way we were meant to be it seems......

Anyway Lina, have you tried asking your GP to try Olanzapine? you may already have tried, but we found it made a lot of difference. I know that 'pills' probably won't help that much, but them one's I hope are worth a try. I hope you don't just forget your studies either, there's only so much you can do for your Mum! be it appreciated or not, but as long as you know in your own mind, that she is as comfortable and well looked after as any good daughter can be asked to make their Mum, well, then you have done as much as anyone could ask of you, so you probably won't harm anybody by doing something nice for yourself babe.... Just try not to let the hurtful words that illness can make people say get you down.......xx Trev

[tangentc]

Wow, lot's of comments to reply to...!

Had a pretty 'good' day today. Mum needed me to take her to town for a couple of things, and I kept my cool! I didn't bite at all the digs. Just stayed as 'the driver'. I took a book and waited for her in the car rather than go with her places. I stayed quiet and did not engage in the starting of conversations, no, I'm not going there. I don't feel safe saying anything anyway, since her accusations to my doctor could cause so much trouble for me. But I did it, I kept calm, didn't fight back, just did my job and didn't react as she was trying to get me to. Success.

Also, I've been reminded (thanks to Trev's thread!) that I could claim help from a local charity for respite, which I used in the summer, and I'm using it to get her into respite as of next Wednesday. She's willing to top up the rest, and is going for 10 days. This is a massive relief! Yes, it means I don't have access to it for another year, but then again, I don't see myself in the position of carer for that much longer anyway, so might as well use it now.

paulingreece - as for blaming myself, I've swung through that feeling so many times, and I'm sure I will again, for many years probably, but that's okay, as I hope the stronger feelings I'm having now will take up the majority of my feeling space, with less and less room for guilt and blame. I don't know where I'd be with that now if I hadn't come on here, as I had no-one to talk to, no wall to sound off on, so I was depending on her reality as my own, and losing the plot too.

susieq - I know there is no law about being a daughter and therefore a carer by default, but I have very strong moral beliefs, and it's hard to fight against them sometimes, particularly when I've spent all my life being told I am responsible for another adult, that it's my duty, etc etc. I really do feel like it's a state of grieving or rather grieving on hold as she's still alive, and that seems to be helping me not fall into the usual trap of 'what if'.

littlerachet - your post was what held me up in replying, as it really moved me. She is like a child, yes. And I did do, and am doing, only what she wanted, but it kept being not enough. I didn't want to believe what everyone else was saying about her, thought I knew her better, the best, but that's part of what I was being fed. You're right, and thankyou for all that you said, it still making me feel emotional!

audrey - you're spot on, I am exhausted. Never felt more tired just from a day of thinking! I'm having the night off tonight, putting my feet up and taking it easy. It's hard not to keep thinking about it, but I shall try not to. Hot bath, methinks!

meg - yes, it is an abusive relationship, that's finally dawned on me, at last. I'm still annoyed with myself that it took so long to realise, but I'll get over that, I'm sure.

no1mum - thanks for your thoughts. I'm okay with the Witch bit, loving my broomstick

Trev - nice to see you over here! The support here is amazing, worth it's weight in gold, and like I said before, without it, I don't think I could be in the strong space I am now. Your own story has really hit a nerve with me too. Thankyou for what you said about how your Mum was when she was first ill. And yes, I can relate to a lot of what you said her behaviour was like. Mum's been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, restless leg syndrome, crumbling spine, the personality disorder, depression... the list goes on, so I hear you there. She WON'T take anti-depressants as they apparently aggravate her restless legs, WON'T take the major painkillers she's been prescribed, because she says they make her digestion suffer. What is Olanzapine? Her GP is sick of prescribing stuff for her, and thinks the answer does not lie in more pills. I've told him she's ODing on steroids, and he's coming to check her meds himself next week. But as for hurtful words - why should people constantly take it out on those closest? Those that love them the most? It just seems so unfair.

Thanks everyone for posting, I'm still all over the place, so sorry for the disjointed reply! Very tired, can't wait til Wednesday, hurrah.

Broomstick parking at the rear... LOL

Lina xxx