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Ready to quit caring - don't want to, but can't stand it :( - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Ready to quit caring - don't want to, but can't stand it :(

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Oh all of you, thankyou so much!! I have been moved to tears repeatedly reading and re-reading your comments. Feeling this heartfelt wave of support has been so fantastic for my soul - I think being a carer you spend so long isolated from the outside world, you can lose touch with what's right and wrong - I certainly have done anyway.

audrey - you're quite right, as Sprinter said also, I may not be the best person to care for her. Also, yes I will send this thread to my GP along with a letter - I hate that though, as I know she is so busy and works so hard, I don't like taking up her time, particularly when I'm not sure what she can do, if anything, to help. But maybe that's me and my own poor self-worth talking, and maybe she will care a great deal about what's going on here...? Who knows.

paulingreece - yes, I'm beginning to have the scales drop from my eyes now and seeing the woman for who she is, not who I wish she was. I was torturing myself about her and my son's relationship, and who was I to take that away from her/him, but in fact, as someone pointed out, it is just another form of control to get me there - if he's there, so am I (he certainly will not be alone with her). She also knows that if he says she's wonderful, it will just add fuel to the guilt trip... and this is where I get lost in confusion! Writing that just then, I just stopped...thoughts of how she believes I'm her worst victimiser/tormentor, that she has already said I'm withholding my son from her, his sweet grandmother who 'adores' him, and that I'm so selfish to try to hold him away simply because "I'm in a snit with her" - her words. Am I? I don't know what's up or down any more!
And I have childish jealousy too - her 'favourite' carer from CareUK is there with her now, so I know she'll be doing her best 'pity the poor old invalid' act. This is the carer she spent a week shopping for in town for an xmas present and a birthday present for (birthday xmas eve), when for me, she spent 10 mins ordering whatever from a catalogue online, with my other present a belated birthday present because she 'forgot' my birthday in August. She also mentioned she'd written a card for this carer, saying how she was the 'kindest person she'd ever met', with me being second to her. She then of course said how very kind I was as a person, but with the next breath how I just have no compassion and empathy. And I do feel like stamping my foot like a child - why can't she see me? Why can't she see 36 years of doing only what she wants? She's told me straight that she doesn't like me, doesn't like what I'm interested in, doesn't care for what I want to do.... oh god, there I go. Sorry, rambling again. Sometimes I wonder who really is the mad one!

Excalibur - well, reading the above, yeah! She's got my goat alright! It is emotional blackmail, but damn it works! And I just keep getting drawn in. Even when I'm not in her company, I'm locked in the battle - I can hear her answers to my arguements, her beliefs, her snide comments and her 'little old lady' innocence! LOL @ eloquent and calm!! If only I felt that way! Image

Sprinter - I hope reading this thread will help if you're in a similar situation - it's horrible, but this is helping soooo much for me. Some of what you said has been said before, but wow, the WAY you said it really hit home:
3. DaughterMother relationship. Do you still have one? I would guess it wouldn't have deteriorated as quickly if you weren't acting as carer too.
4. CarerCaree. Are you still able to give the best possible care to your mother?
Do I still have a mother/daughter relationship? Very fine question. Having never had another mother/daughter relationship (this life anyway!), I guessed I did by the fact I have a mother - but that's not it, is it? Plenty of folk have mothers that they don't have a relationship with. I shall think about that.
Am I still able to give the best possible care to my mother? This is the question that has pretty much sealed the deal for me - no, I'm not. I'm completely over-sensitive, I react at the slightest comment or dig...

In fact, she's just called to a) ask me to go shopping for her today and b) tell me that I have a mental problem, I'm psychotic with paranoia and that I am a "paranoid witch" that my son overheard, at which point I hung up. She's tried calling again, I presume to apologise, so that this particular Paranoid Witch can still do her shopping, but I actually don't feel like picking up the phone again.

I'll end this here and reply further a bit later. Lina, the Paranoid Witch xxx
Hi Lina, i think you answered your own question as regards the relationship between you and your mum. It looks like your more of her slave than a daughter. I understand your reactions about her lovely carer, she is playing you very well, knowing you will react and caring nothing about the hurt caused. My mother used to say, you do not care, i never see the children, my son would not go, as all she did was drink, ignore him except when she had to much, and then tell him over and over again how horrible we were. She babysat Kerry Ann once, left her sat on a floor surrounded by discarded food, cigarette ends and dirt, in the same nappy for 8 hours, never gave her a drink or anything, told her in no uncertain terms, she wants to see the kids, she comes to ours, and no we will not let her babysit. She died about 9 years ago, could not bring myself to go to the funeral, funny but all her favourite people, never did either, and we ended up paying for the funeral. In your heart, once you can admit it, you know what type of person she is, and its time to think about you and your son, its one thing to care for someone who really appreciates it and shows it, but another entirelly to care for one who bullys and abuses the carer. No matter how much you think it will not affect you, it will, how much depends on how much of a strong person you are. I hope you can find the strength to do what is right for you and your family,best wishes.
Well, I'm back from a tortuous day... Sorry for my rant earlier, it's weirdly therapeutic to be ranting so publicly - like screaming for help, any help...! Or maybe just witnesses!

The ball is in motion - I've spoken to SS and told them I'm no longer coping. They seemed surprised, as Mum had been on the phone trying to arrange respite care for herself, although I think she's confused with residential care, but I don't really know. They also seemed to believe I hadn't been in to care for her for 8 days...!! I've been over every day during this time, shopping, cleaning, getting food sorted, and talking. So they're sending someone later this week to talk to us - separately. I mentioned that for my last carers assessment I'd asked for counselling to be able to cope as a carer, and nothing had happened with that - social worker seemed a little sorry about that, as I firmly believe that would've helped avoid this escalation.

I couldn't bring myself earlier to go and pick up her shopping list, so I just went to tesco and got what she usually needs and took it round. I just put it on the table and left, long enough for her to tell me she's told SS and CareUK that I've 'disappeared'. I just okayed that and said I'd been in touch with them too. Then left.

Now that I've calmed down a bit, I feel okay with the fact she thinks I've got a mental health problem and that's the only reason we're having these troubles. Maybe she'll be a little more inclined to be a bit nicer if she believes I'm 'ill'. We'll see!

meg - thankyou for the quote "people who know you know better, people who don`t know you don`t matter", that's really valuable. I took my son over to a neighbours earlier while I did that shopping, and she recalled a few instances of seeing my Mum attack me verbally and physically in our street over these past 10 years, and I realised then that people around me are actually taking note of things, although too polite to mention them most of the time. They know. And like your quote said, if they don't know, they don't matter.

littlerachet - oh I wish I wouldn't respond! I've managed that so far pretty well, with only the occasional bites back, but this time I can't. I've just reached the end of my tether - I feel like a cornered rat! People who know me say I'm one of the calmest people they know, but this has pushed me so far, I've lost my rag completely. Years worth of stifled emotions and anger are bubbling up every minute. Years of keeping my mouth shut, my temper in check, deep breaths, counting to ten, meditation, breathe in love breathe out peace... it's obviously all been bottled up somewhere and the lid's blown! She's an amazing woman deep down - intelligent, creative, artistic, inspirational! But there's so little of that left now, or at least that I can see or encourage, it's terribly sad, heartbreaking, but I'm pretty much convinced that's gone now. Or maybe I just try not to look at that, as it hurts too much - to see what she could be if she just wanted to.

paulingreece - thanks for your words. I was worrying that I'd maybe gone too far in my post earlier, that maybe I was being a Paranoid Witch after all, but then I saw your post and remembered that there are others with awful experiences of mothers (or other parents/siblings), and it's just such a difficult thing, as you WANT to love them! You WANT to include them in your family. But it just becomes impossible. That's how I feel now - it's impossible. There's no way forward I can go, no way in which she won't hurt me and I'll hurt both her and my son. I feel a sense of relief now, to really know I've done all I can and that it's now beyond anything I can do.

Phew. What an intense time. Thanks again for ALL the comments and best wishes, it really means so very much.

Lina xxx
Sending Love and Hugs to you, Lina xx
nice one lina, well done for you, good luck, stay strong xxx
Having been called paranoid by my stepson who refers to me as his stepwitch, that would make me a paranoid stepwitch, so welcome to the club. Where do you park your broomstick? I always have mine at the door ready for a quick exit if I happen to be at dad`s when his favourite carer is there.............she takes in his booze..............enough said.

Try to keep up your positive mental attidude. Just let SS know what you are willing to do on your terms with regards to caring role, and don`t let them pressurise you into doing more.

Take care
I can't really add much more than what has already been said Lina. Semding you strength and love, you are so not alone. xx
I can't really add anything either, except that we are all here for you and willing you on to the best solution for you.
Thanks all for your support again Image

Well, another eventful day at the funny farm that is my life these days...Still feeling on High Alert at the moment, so forgive my tone.

Spoke to SS again, reiterating how bloody urgent this is, then surprisingly got face to face with the favourite carer, who seemed somewhat terrified of me (paranoid psychosis, remember?), but was also defensive of Mum, saying she does nothing but lie in bed crying that she'll never see her grandson again... and yes, I softened a bit... I thought okay, I'll call her, test the water, and if she's in a reasonable state of mind towards me, I'll take my boy over for half an hour later after school. Oh boy.

Got on the phone to her, told her what SS was doing, keeping her informed, and, long story short, she'd been on the phone all day, to her doc, to SS and also she told me she'd called MY doctor, reporting me as mentally unstable and unable to be trusted with myself or anyone else (read: my son)!!! I have to admit, I hit the bloody roof! I asked her if she was aware this would mean SS would now be round to ME, and probably take my boy into care??!! Hung up, terrified and shocked. Calmed down. My doc called me just as I was about to call.

Within minutes, I'd assured him I was absolutely fine, if not very hurt and angry, but certainly mentally fine. He got off the phone, seemed just a little annoyed at the inconvenience.

Phew, but dammit, is there nothing she won't do? Scared the life out of me, and makes me worried about what she'll do next. And just as I was softening to her 'tears'. It just confirms all my actions and thoughts so far. I have to disengage. The ship that is my Mother is going down, and she's firing all the big guns as she sinks. That was completely below the belt.

As and aside, decided to research 'overdose on steroids' as she's on them due to adrenal insufficiency (Addisons), and has been taking more than she should as she's been 'stressed out'. What did I find but 'steroid-induced psychosis' - just like her Endocrinologist suggested could happen, sending her into a mania. That would explain a lot. Not enough to excuse this behaviour, but it would explain things.

So, yet another confirmation of why I have to get out of there as carer. Even her GP said that was the best course of action in his opinion (they've been at loggerheads many times too), as has everybody else for that matter.

So on that note, meg - I know where I'd LIKE to park the broomstick...!! Image


Lina xxx
i saw some one say u r more like a slave- thats wot i was thinking as i read

YOU need a break
YOU need to look after yourself, wot example must this set for your son?
I know your mum is unwell, and n eeds help but so do you hun, this is no life, even those with terrible conditions and lifes get a good day once in a while i dont think u could tell us a good day with your mum and it really makes me upset.
i wish i could help u more, but i find it upsetting that some one has posted so upset themselves.
massive hugs