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re: Lack of gratitude - Carers UK Forum

re: Lack of gratitude

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Just thought I'd share my darling mummy's attitude to my return to 'nest'....to brighten your day...

"I'm sickly and was looking forward to summer but with you here it ain't easy...."

"When are you going away again.."

Charming :dry:
As soon as my mum heard me open the front door and call out "Hi mum, it's me" she would reach for the pocket in her recliner and dig out her notebook where she'd written all the jobs she wanted me to do on her next visit. Despite me, newly widowed, disabed with a walking stick, and a son with severe learning difficulties; although she had a gardener, a cleaner, and three care visits a day, she would "save" jobs for me!
How I hated that notebook. Then I read that the very elderly simply don't really see what others are doing for them, they become totally self focussed, so don't expect any gratitude, it's just a feature of getting old.
Hi G
Maybe it's time to start looking for a 'nest' of your own, if possible? There's a lot of truth in the sayings 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' and ' familiarity breeds contempt'
Oh, I have all sorts of greetings!
Today my lovely hubby thought I had walked miles to see him and was happy, especially when I said he's worth it. I hadn't walked miles but not going to confuse him. Another day I may just about get a grunt, or " where have you been". Just have to accept the days state of mind. That's not always easy.
Reminds me of the old saying "if you want gratitude, get a dog" :D

I remember one particular fraught weekend when I had just finished getting mum out of the bath (always a challenge). I sat her on the loo to put lotion on her feet and she looked down at me, and said "Just because you are looking after me, there is no need to let yourself go. You are getting very scruffy" :roll:
Anne001 wrote: she looked down at me, and said "Just because you are looking after me, there is no need to let yourself go. You are getting very scruffy" :roll:
Sorry Anne but this made me smile. My hair is almost 4 weeks overdue for a cut, its like a birds nest....lol. Yet try explaining to someone that planning things in, even simple things like a visit to hairdressers can be difficult, and some look at you in disbelief.

x x
Total respect to you all for what you do and your humour. The dreaded notebook struck a chord with me. My aunt has different jobs allocated to different people so even if you are there and her hearing aid battery needs changing, she will save it for the person she has decided will do it. And she is so keen to show the hospital follow up team she doesn't need carers that she will wait until they've gone and then phone me :roll:
The dreaded phone calls, yes, I too had that. There is a simple solution. Leave your answerphone on 24/7. Listen to the calls, and then YOU decide if they are urgent. Whether to drop everything in the middle of preparing a meal, or whether you need to call later, or whether it will wait until your next visit. Another way of you, very carefully, taking back some control over your life. Because you are NOT a slave or handmaiden, you are a grown adult with a life of your own. You can't be forced to care, and occasionally the caree needs to be reminded of this.
I found the more jobs I did, the faster they came at me. It was like the ducks on a funfair shooting range. Just when you thought you'd shot one down, it popped up again. Envisage those ducks, and smile!
Jessie, when she phones, tell her to phone the care team instead. Saying 'no' to her is essential. You don't have to give reasons (let alone excuses!) why you don't want to do whatever it is. You just say:

'Auntie, that's why you need the care team. Phone them back and get them to come in.'

Then hang up.
Yep I get the list too. I phone him and he reads out letters he had from people like BT and then says what does that mean. He can read too.

Then its an emergency that I sort it out. He had a letter from BT telling him he was due £75 refund and he flapped for days and wanted it sorted now! In the end I said tough, I will look at it when I next visit - unless they send you a letter telling you that you owe £20K it not urgent!

I also get comments on his opinion on things which are not wanted. When my wife was pregnant with last child (she was 41) he spouted off about how it was too old etc. Mind your own business!!!

And hes constantly trying to tell me I waste money and I should look after it more. (Im 49, been living away from home for 30+ years, run my own company - Im sure I can cope on my own!)