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I could really use someone to talk too..at my wits end - Carers UK Forum

I could really use someone to talk too..at my wits end

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Hello ..sorry to come back again and bother everyone but I could really use a friendly ear (so to speak )
I don't know if you can remember me but I care for my gran who is 94 and has dementia and I'm 31..I've cared for 10 years now.
My uncle doesn't help and my aunt lives in Australia.
Just a update really ..
I had a carers assessment done and what happened was they offered someone to pop in for 10 mins per morning to check on her ..that's all I got and a doorbell which is for the hard of hearing and a walker.
I'm still struggling..I've had the same conversation with my aunt and it leads to her saying she's not well and will try to come over in a few months.
My health has been bad for the last few weeks.
I started feeling off colour and tired all the time,no energy.
I'm feeling like I have something stuck in my throat/chest and when I swallow I feel it.
The worst is I'm getting pvcs and pacs which are extra heartbeats ..every 5-10 seconds and it's kept me up most of the night ..I had them 4 years ago had all the tests and my heart is perfectly healthy ..the cardiologist said its anxiety /stress related so I'm not scared of them anymore I just hate them.
The other night I was awake and I'm not sure if it was a hallucination but I heard rats running across my bedroom floor..every noise seemed magnified.
I feel like I'm going insane ..I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm sweating and the other night I started crying and hyperventilating.
When I do go to sleep I wake up crying.
My dad doesn't understand and my Aunty still won't come to England.
I don't know what is wrong with me ..I feel so guilty for feeling like this because I have a job to do..my gran needs me and I'm weak.
If my dad doesn't answer the phone I can't cope and think he has fallen over and broke he's neck or had a heart attack.
I keep imagining in my head all these bad things...
The last 1 week my gran has been walking to the side..tilted to the left.
I'm worried about that..I'm sick of my life..I mean that with every fibre of my body..I don't know what I've got left to give ..
I'm sorry for ranting ..I just need to talk to someone I think.
Sarah my dear, you need help, and you need to 'let go' of your gran. I will re-read your earlier posts, but I seem to recall that that was the advice that many of us were urging you to accept.

Your body is telling you desperately that you CANNOT go on like this. I would say you are having an obvious nervous breakdown right now and these are SERIOUS -

Waiting for your selfish horrible aunt to suddenly feel sorry for you and get off her backside and come and look after her mother yourself is NEVER going to happen. She will NEVER do it. Oh, she'll say she will ,but she won't. She's waiting for her mother to die and make it unnecessary. She is fobbing you off and exploiting YOU.

It's time for your gran to be taken into residential care, and for YOU to start your own life.

But Sarah, the only person who can rescue you is yourself!

Please, please, please rescue yourself!

Kindest wishes from a worried-for-you Jenny
Hello Sarah
You really MUST go to your GP and explain theses symptoms. It could be a number of things, from thyroid to chronic stress.Im no medical expert. You need much more help with caring for your gran, that's now obvious.
One of the ladies at my hubby's nursing home started​ to walk sideways. She forgot how to walk with her dementia,so it's not unheard of. I'm not wishing to alarm you, but just so you understand you definitely need more support, this lady now does not walk at all now. Of course, everyone is different, and it may not be the case with your gran.
I'm sure others will be along to give more practical advice. I'm listening, and hearing that you need to look after yourself.
Sarah, if I were to ask you straight out:

'WHY is your gran not in a residential care home?'

What would your answer be?

I say this because I truly don't know why you are still looking after her yourself.

Does your gran tell you she wants only YOU to look after her?

I do appreciate you are probably desperately trying to 'last out' until your gran can leave this world from her own home, with you at her side. But that may still take years you know.....
Since my mum died my gran has been like a mother to me.
We are so close ,much closer than her with her own kids.
She's looked after me and I feel like I'm failing her.
The only other close family I have is my dad..the thought of loosing her is too much.
I love her like a mum..I don't think I could take loosing another mum.
That's my selfish reason.
I should be cherishing her while she's here not crying daily ..I wish I could get a grip.
I'm torn between wanting a life and how much I love her.
She's still there as in she knows us and she still is capable of making herself a cuppa and she can dress herself...if I wasn't there she could put her clothes on.
She couldn't make her lunch tho.
Yeah she tells me she only wants me..when my Aunty is here she still wants me to be there daily and make her lunch and shopping.
If I go to tescos she crys ..
It's a lot of guilt
Hi Sarah, I really can't understand why your Gran only gets 10 minutes of help from care staff.
Did she manage to demonstrate she can do it all on her own at the assessment? If so -leave her to it .
Have you had a totally separate Carers Assessment for yourself and not for Gran? You need to tell the Social Worker exactly what you have told us this morning and not hide any of it.
Go and speak to your Dr first and then if the Social Worker checks it is all official so to speak. Write down every tiny detail you do for gran from scraping her potatoes to posting her mail and make sure the Social Worker gets the real picture.
If you choose to look after Gran until her natural end, it should manageble for you and either because you are getting some quality time together out of it or you are hanging on to home etc, but doing it at such great cost to yourself with no benefit or practical reason for doing it beyond saving your aunt's inheritance is a none starter.
2 social workers came and they asked her a series of questions ..they asked who was the prime minister..and the month,the day etc
Then they asked her to stand and walk etc..
About 2 weeks later I got a letter saying it was a care plan which said about the morning nurse visit and the walking aid and they've fitted a new telecare system and have my gran a pendant ..if she is ill or falls when I'm not home she can press it and telecare wardens will come straight out.
Last week they fitted a intruder alarm
They didn't really ask how it was affecting me in any way ..they asked what I do and I explained the shopping,cooking etc
The crazy thing is for the past few weeks she has been walking tilted to the left and as soon as they came and asked her to walk she was walking straight and fast ..I felt like a liar.
Then now she's back to walking to the side
What if your gran went into a care home for the weekdays, enabling you to get a job, have a life, etc, and then came home for the weekends so you could be together then?