Advice needed please...

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Could somebody please help me out here.

My mother is 81, I am convinced she has latter stages of Alzheimer's due to study. Anyway I have had the doctor out to mum over 2 months ago. I mentioned Alzheimers but he dismissed it as a water infection after her urine test , which can affect mums mind. She was prescribed twice with antibiotics and I was told the second lot of tablets will surely clear it up. I also had mums blood taken, blood pressure, heart etc.

I was aiming towards a Memory Clinic for mum but cannot be referred to one until the doctors surgery give the go ahead (very confusing) So I wait for an answer and nothing arrives. So I call the surgery and I don't get any answers there. All I want is for a specialist to confirm my fears that mum does indeed have Alzheimer's, the trouble is-when? How long do I have to wait and who will contact me? What happens next?
Mum is getting worse. She is convinced she still lives in Spain (she left there when dad died, five years previous) She cannot recall anything from five minutes before. She is totally convinced that I have not taken care of her these past two and half years. She is agitated at night, cannot sleep, mistakes night with morning. Is becoming aggressive and argumentative, has now started to take toilet breaks in the wardrobe at night etc and so on.

I dare not leave mum alone. I am tired out. My blood pressure is very high. I have contacted Social Services. The lady who assessed mum was very nice. She seemed to think I needed respite as soon as.I really could have done with a few days but two things made me say no to the break, the guilt and the cost to have mum in respite. Mum has less than £2000 in the bank but is on a good army pension so the Social Services said that the cost would be around £100 a day to house mum!

Now sadly I have had to stop contact with my local Social Services as I am currently in the process of moving to another town. Once there I will contact the local Social Services again.


I am the youngest of seven, my other siblings do not help out. I am a fit man but was horrified when I had my blood pressure taken, 150. My health through the stress is affecting me. With the new move and worried about mum an all.

When I move to the new town and new doctor, will mum have to go through all the tests again? I voiced my concerns many times in my current doctors from the doctor himself to district nurse but nothing has been done, or no advice given to me as to what happens next.

Can somebody please point me in the right direction to speed things up, such as mum finally getting a diagnosis and how I go about this. Her current doctor many weeks ago waved off my fears like the expert he is but if only he could be in my shoes for a week!!!

Thank you in advance,

Jason.
Jason, I know that you want to know 'for sure' if your mum does or does not have Alzheimers (or any other form of dementia, eg, vascular dementia), but in the end does it really matter if she is formally diagnosed or not?

I say this because my 92 y/o mother-in-law was never formally diagnosed. It just became, to be blunt, 'obvious' that she had dementia - in her case probably vascular dementia, though since she was never formally diagnosed no one really knows.

BUT, the key point is that she showed all the signs of dementia, most notably of which was that she became incapable of looking after herself, is totally dependent on other people, has forgotten how to get dressed, how to get food ready, can't watch TV (can't understand what is going on, etc) and is so OBVIOUSLY in a state of advancing dementia (and now pretty advanced indeed - she is doubly incontinent now), and still recognises me, but speaks very little.

Because she is so 'helpless' she does need looking after 24x7, and can't really be left alone (except when she's asleep in the chair, which she does mostly if you don't chat to her!).

So what I'm saying is that any care-worker, I'm sure, who has experience of dementia, would probably take one look at your mum and say 'dementia'.

Other members here may well disagree with me here, but to be honest, do you need a formal assessment, for any reason other than to 'confirm' that your mum needs a LOT of support now, and that YOU cannot provide it all (or perhaps any, in terms of daily care?)

I'm not quite sure whether you are saying you live with your mum, and therefore she is coming with you as you move? If that is so, and you're moving to a new town, with a new GP, that could be a good time to start 'afresh' and get everything in place that your mum needs, and will, sadly, increasingly need.

First off you MUST look after your own health. That's essential! If you keel over from high bp then you're no use to your mum for a start (let alone yourself!)

What is mum's overall financial situation? As you probably know, if she has less than £23,500 in total assets (property and savings) she won't have to pay for her own care.

Others here will know what the deal with councils and respite care is, but if your mum is below that level above then she should be eligible for paid-for residential care - ie, she could move into a care home 'permanently' and be paid for. If you are living in HER property, there may be a charge put on it, but not payable until she dies, or when you 'sell up' (others here will know for sure, plus the experts on carers UK itself - email for the swiftest answer).

Whatever happens, it most definitely sounds like YOU need a break! That bp is NOT good, and it needs to come down - by reducing the stress on you for a start!

I hope we can collectively guide you along the best way to proceed now - all the best, Jenny
Hi Jason,
I'm really concerned for you. It appears that you are not getting any support from those who are supposed to provide it. Patients have a right to a "second opinion" so I suggest you write to the GP Practice Manager and stress the urgency of a referral to a specialist in dementia.
Then start a brief diary of what mum is saying and doing which you know isn't correct.
Then get back to Social Services and demand an urgent assessment. You may be seriously shooting yourself in the foot by giving up on them because you are moving. If she is assessed where you are living, then the new Social Services Department MUST provide mum with any services recommended, until such time as they can reassess her.
Are you just moving locally, or moving between local authority areas? Why are you moving? Social Services can end up with funding battles over which authority is responsible for funding someone when they move between areas!!!
bowlingbun wrote:Hi Jason,
I'm really concerned for you. It appears that you are not getting any support from those who are supposed to provide it. Patients have a right to a "second opinion" so I suggest you write to the GP Practice Manager and stress the urgency of a referral to a specialist in dementia.
Then start a brief diary of what mum is saying and doing which you know isn't correct.
Then get back to Social Services and demand an urgent assessment. You may be seriously shooting yourself in the foot by giving up on them because you are moving. If she is assessed where you are living, then the new Social Services Department MUST provide mum with any services recommended, until such time as they can reassess her.
Are you just moving locally, or moving between local authority areas? Why are you moving? Social Services can end up with funding battles over which authority is responsible for funding someone when they move between areas!!!
Thank you for your advice to both Bowlingbun and Jenny Lucas, I haven't had time to get on here due to moving from Blackpool to Halton Borough. First of all I had no choice but to move towns and I will be totally honest, I first moved to Blackpool in the hope of my brother who lives there-could help out with mum. It backfired, my brother is a lazy so and so and only called twice to see mum in the space of 7 months, one of those times he was drunk. Anyway on Xmas Eve of last year I was summonsed to his house to collect a present he had for mum. He was drinking when I arrived which was a bad time to again press him for help with mum, he accused me of only moving to his town to use him or "to palm mum off on him" were his pathetic words. We got into a scuffle which turned into a fight! By no means am I a violent person-never, but his words and seven months-plus the years before he had never helped out- made me so angry, as it had all been pent up. To cut the story short, he pressed charges, although I did not against him and I am to appear in magistrate court in March!!!

It is something I am not proud of and I will repeat I am not a fighting man but as I have pointed out before-I have six siblings who do naff all to help me out, so I guess it all built up and in the face of my brothers abuse towards me on Xmas Eve-I stupidly hit back out of sheer frustration.

So this is why I have moved. Staying in the same town as my brother is a bad thing, and besides I knew nobody else.

So here I am, at least I have two cousins who I am thinking of calling on. So I have contacted the Social Services. They as in Blackpool, need to do another assessment, but that wont happen for a few weeks. I did stress that mums condition has deteriorated fast but as always nothing is done quickly is it?
I have also got into a doctors and both of us are due to see the nurse at the surgery next monday.

I am writing this 2.20 am. For the fourth night running mum has woken me up again, except this night/morning she is loud-demanding a cigarette of all things. She gets up-I put her back to bed and so on. She thinks I am dad ( who died six years ago) She just won't settle, up walking around ( I have set her a room nicely downstairs to avoid using the stairs) She keeps calling me "Don!" "Don!" which was my dads name, and I keep on begging her to be quiet because the last thing I need to do is upset the new neighbours, because mum really can make some noise!
She does have one half of Temazepam each night (prescribed) but it never works.Four nights running and surely she will get tired sooner or later.
Mum is fine in the morning leading up to around four pm and that's when the fun and games start up. She frets. I cannot leave her sight etc etc

I tried calling 111 but to no avail, passed off because mum was not under 5. And I trawled other 24 hr helplines and the only one it keeps sending me to is the Samaritans!!! Unbelievable really.

So back on the phone in the morning to beg SS to call to see mum although I doubt it because she hasnt been assessed yet. Other than that who can I turn too?

I pride myself on being fit but along with the high B.P. I had a strange turn for the worse on Saturday morning when I awoke, went downstairs and felt the top of my head tightening, along with tingling down one side of my face and arm! The following morning it happened again. It was frightening and some time later when I had chance to take it in, I knew full well that my health was deteriorating because of the stress and burden, the house move (all done by myself while gasp a sister had mum for three hours then dropped her off whilst I was unpacking) had taken its toll too. And now mum going up another level as I call it, well in a nutshell I'm wasted!

I suppose the advice given and truly thankful to receive it will be to call Social Services again but will they really help at short notice? I doubt it. So who, just as I have trawled the internet before, is out there to help me in this crisis? Is there anything immediate? Because everything else takes weeks, and I could really do with some help now before I drop with deprived sleep!

It is now 3.04 am, i'm shattered, HARk I can hear mum snoring bliss!!! But for how long is up to her.

Thanks for advice before and after, honestly it helps a lot, and goodnight zzzzzz
Jason, it's time for your mum to move into residential care. It's been coming for a while, and now that moment has arrived. My MIL with now-advanced dementia HAS to be in a care home - she knows very little about what is going on, hardly recognises me, and is doubly incontinent and wanders aimlessly around. It's desperately sad, but there it is.

In residential care your mum will have 24x7 round the clock care, and be well looked after. Your relationship with her will be transformed, because you no longer have the 'physical care' of things.

The financial situation is such, as you know, that if her assets are less than £23,500 (property and savings), the council see to the cost. Yes, they will take her army pension but so what?

What is your own situation re finances? You say you moved, was that to rented property or what? If you are living in your mum's own property, then others here, and the experts at Carers UK, will guide you through what happens when your mum goes into residential care. The council may simply 'set a charge' on the property, which you can continue to live in it, but then when she dies it is sold and the council takes whatever she cost them, down to £23,500.

You need your life back. Your physical health is clearly very poor with the sky-hi bp, and your mental health is very poor too - hence the skirmish with your brother.

There is NO REASON ON GOD'S EARTH why YOU should have to cope with your mum, while all your siblings have washed their hands.
Hi Jason
Please go to your GP and explain about the ' funny turn' you experienced. I'm worried for you. The symptoms don't just happen without a reason.
You must take care of yourself.
I agree entirely with Pet. You need to get checked out TODAY. Please don't ignore it.
It sounds like a stroke - the next one might kill you or cripple you.

Please see your GP asap, better still, a minor injuries unit if not an A&E.

You HAVE to stop the caring - it's killing you. Literally.

Write off your siblings, and hand your mum in to SS/NHS.

OR, tell them you are leaving her, give the house/flat keys to the GP, and take a week off somewhere, anywhere.