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Feeling sooo guilty - Carers UK Forum

Feeling sooo guilty

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Mother is now at the end stage of life. The hospital rang today to say that she was very ill indeed.

I will be visiting each day but I sososososo wish that she could be at home. She is too unwell to transfer apparantly.

Last friday when they took her in I was there but CHOSE not to go with her to a and e. I just couldnt face it.

So many times in the recent past I got cross and impatient at the constant calls for help help help.

I just want her here so that I can smooth her brow and tell her how very much I love her. So uncomplaining and affectionate .. She always made me feel safe and loved.

My brother and I have been weeping on the phone to each other.

I do have lovely friends and family to help I just cant seem to stop replaying all those moments when I just wanted time to myself and not to be with her and God I feel so callous and unsympathetic. All she wanted was some love and attenntion.

Thamks for listening ...
No Jacqueline, you were only exhausted from the many broken nights and months and years of caring.
You have been a dutiful and loving daughter and Mum knows that.
Just sit with her when you can and tell her you love her.
The hospital will probably let you visit whenever you need or want

Hi Jaqueline
You are in my thoughts, it sounds as though your mother may be going through a final more peaceful phase. You have coped admirably with the restless stage and I hope you will see that yourself soon. I remember a lovely GP saying to me when I was coping with Dad at his difficult phase that I would never need to feel guilty and I would be at peace with myself when my caring was over and he was right. You will be able to move on when your mum does reach the end knowing you have given her your all. No one can do more.
Thank you mrs A and Henrietta.

It is so painful.

Looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. Hope she knows how much I love her.

Thanks again for your kind words.
Jacqueline, you have been a brilliant daughter and carer. Feel proud of what you have done for mum, not what you haven't.
If the doctors and other medics who have seen her didn't realise she was end of life, how on earth could you have known.
If you are going to sit with mum, make sure you eat and drink properly during this period, so you keep well (and everything seems worse on an empty stomach).

Ask your brother to step in as far as organising a funeral director is concerned.
You DO need to sort this out asap, don't delay. He needs to find out basic stuff at this stage like prices and charges for various services provided, then decide on which director to use.
Tell the hospital as soon as you have decided.
The hospital should ensure that mum is always pain free.
I can't remember if you have POA Health and Welfare, I did, and made it very clear to all concerned that pain relief was my top priority, regardless of the consequences. Mum had been in constant pain for many years due to a number of serious health issues, at least I could ensure that her passing was peaceful.
Be with her, tell her how much you love her.....hearing is the last sense to leave us, so talk to her, hold her hand. Tell her all the thigns you want to tell her.

She knows you have found it difficult, and as your mother, she forgives you. You would forgive your son wouldn't you? Of course you would!

Though you are in pieces now, think of what she is being SPARED now.....no more decline, or worsening health, or greater yet infirmity....she is being 'freed' from the body that is failing her, the mind that is beleaguered by oncoming dementia.

Talk to her of your grandparents, of good memories as a child, of your dad (hopefully these are happy memories for her), and just be there....

I say one more thing - PLEASE do NOT be upset if she leaves this world while you are NOT at her side. The nurses say over and over again how very, very common this is - it happened in my family too - they 'choose' to slip away while their children are not there....you would do as much for your son I think....it will be her 'last gift' to you, to spare you....

BUT, if you ARE there with her as she passes from this world, then it is a privilege for you, and YOU will be giving her that last, last gift in this life....of seeing her 'across'.....

Kindest wishes to you at this time .....Jenny

I am sorry to hear of your mothers poor health.

Please do not allow yourself to get hung up on guilt, even as someone that does not identify as religious I find the words "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" quite fitting in this circumstance.

You have done what you needed to do to both survive this experience and remain physically/emotionally strong for your mother.. and really the only ones that will really know what you have gone through are the ones that have been through it themselves, you certainly do not need to seek any sort of validation from us.

Do try to visit her before the end.. don't worry if she is resting.
Just make sure your mom is comfortable, hold her hand and talk to her about your day, or something you saw on the way there, something you know would make her laugh, but most of all tell her you love her and that everything will be ok

I know how screwed up and messy things are feeling for you right now, but you have to know that you will always have the memories of the person your mother was before all of this with you always, and nobody/nothing else can take this away from you.

You know if there is anything you aren't sure about either now or when the time comes, we are here.

Best wishes to you and your family in this difficult time.
Bb, Jenny and Honey Badger (superb user name btw) thank you all so much.

I was in grief stricken melt down mode when I posted this. Today was just amazing. I spent all day sitting with my mother holding her hand and telling her how very much I love her.

We (mainly me) talked about the family, her parents, her childhood.

I went out at one point to ask the dr how close to death is she? I was told that sepsis is serious and that Mother is very frail. The next 48 hours are crucial. The antibiotics will start to work and we will see by her vital signs which way its going to go.


Er well yes, there is an outside chance. You never know. We are doing obs every 4 hours and still giving treatment. She went on to talk about palliative care.

Mother was too poorly to have a scan this morning.

After this conversation I just felt amazing. There is hope!!! I came back i to Mother's room and asked her something and she answered and gradually became chatty. We talked and held hands and she said loads of lovely things to me. She even said to the girl collecting the dinner trays to leave the custard (ie ont chuck it out).

She then said 'that looks nice' (the custard). Would you like some mother, yes please! I checked with the nurse who said yep. Fine, feed her slow!y and make sure that she is sitting upright. She ate it all and a yoghurt and later more custard from her supper tray.

Imknow she is still proper ill but what a beautiful day we have had.

My son is home tomorrow to help with everything.

What a rollar coaster this is.
Yes a rollercoaster indeed, sounds like your mum may be gaining a little strength, she sounds like a fighter :)
That definitely sounds more positive. I'm glad you had a good day with her. Make good memories whatever the final outcome. It does not rest in our hands, and life will 'stay or go' according to things we have no control of. But, if nothing else, this 'rally' is good. I hope it continues.