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Permanent stress with Mother-in-Law - Page 5 - Carers UK Forum

Permanent stress with Mother-in-Law

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Henrys Cat wrote:
Tue Jul 05, 2022 6:05 pm
We're in a slightly different POA situation but I thought it might help to explain the options to her. At the end of the day, SOMEONE has to look after her finances & property (leaving aside the Health ad Welfare one for now). She can either choose someone to appoint now, while she can, or she can leave it in the lap of the gods if time runs out. She can also opt to continue managing her own finances but revert to her attorney at such time as she loses capacity - you can't do it in retrospect.

If she chooses to wait until it's too late the courts will appoint a guardian which could be her son if he wants to but it could be an organisation that specialises in these things & might not really get to know her. Either way the court supervises and oversees the dealings by way of regular reports etc. If she's a bit paranoid about people in her business, this is probably not what she wants.
Thank you for your advice.
Things may get messy because now MIL doesn't want carers especially when she will have to start paying for them in 10 days' time or so. My husband feels emotionally blackmailed. If she denies carers and payment, then she would expect him to look after her again. I mean, he is still coming over every day, sometimes for a couple of hours or more but the main caring duties are done by carers. She would like to go back to 'the old days". The thing is, she needs more and more care, but my OH is not able to provide it. There can also be financial blackmailing, testament change etc. Really tough. Our social worker says this kind of behaviour is fairly common in the elderly. What do you think?
Yes, common.
I've said it before, I know, but your husband has to limit his contact.
Either carers or care home, which will cost way more than carers.

Additional care from him is NOT an option!
bowlingbun wrote:
Thu Jul 07, 2022 4:03 pm
Yes, common.
I've said it before, I know, but your husband has to limit his contact.
Either carers or care home, which will cost way more than carers.

Additional care from him is NOT an option!
Thank you, I like your straight-to-the-point replies :)
My OH limited his contact so MIL is fighting back. Chronic insecurity. The worst thing: it is difficult to have any family meetings with her now. You never know if MIL loads her frustrations off on our children. I somehow understand her. She thinks that she is fighting for her life so she will use anything she has in her arsenal.
Yes, I'm sure that's going to be part of her problems.
The saddest part of it all is that if she didn't play up like she is, she might have much happier family visits.

I'm now 70 and after 8 operations and some serious health issues,
I get very frustrated not being able to do as much as I used to. This is the first year I haven't done all the hanging baskets for my basket "tree".
Instead I've been doing more sewing for a forthcoming holiday in Greece. Sewing gives me lots of pleasure anyhow, but the thought of meeting up with all the friends I've made at the hotel always makes me smile.
bowlingbun wrote:
Thu Jul 07, 2022 7:07 pm
Yes, I'm sure that's going to be part of her problems.
The saddest part of it all is that if she didn't play up like she is, she might have much happier family visits.

I'm now 70 and after 8 operations and some serious health issues,
I get very frustrated not being able to do as much as I used to. This is the first year I haven't done all the hanging baskets for my basket "tree".
Instead I've been doing more sewing for a forthcoming holiday in Greece. Sewing gives me lots of pleasure anyhow, but the thought of meeting up with all the friends I've made at the hotel always makes me smile.
I'm sorry for your health problems. It's good you could find things you are able to do and enjoy doing them. I hope your holiday in Greece will be wonderful.
If MIL doesn't have capacity to make anyone POA then she probably doesn't have capacity to decide who will care for her! The authorities cant have it both ways. She should have a needs assessment before the care is withdrawn or payment is needed and if she says your hubby will be caring for her then the SW needs to hear it from him directly, she can't just take her word for it. He should be there for the assessment to help give an accurate picture and to be firm about not taking on anything else.
Henrys Cat wrote:
Sat Jul 09, 2022 12:56 pm
If MIL doesn't have capacity to make anyone POA then she probably doesn't have capacity to decide who will care for her! The authorities cant have it both ways. She should have a needs assessment before the care is withdrawn or payment is needed and if she says your hubby will be caring for her then the SW needs to hear it from him directly, she can't just take her word for it. He should be there for the assessment to help give an accurate picture and to be firm about not taking on anything else.
Thank you for your advice.
Yes, MIL is going to have personal needs and OT assessment next week.
Today she has had her moments again: she doesn't need carers, they either are "too fat" or "have too much makeup". She tried to sort out her medicines without carers. My hubby says she was struggling with that. In the evening, she literally, physically pushed the carer out of her house and she was abusive verbally. My OH says he becomes more and more indifferent to all these problems. This is his burnout and self-defence mechanism, I think. Of course, we both feel guilty we don't keep a closer eye on MIL's safety with medicines but it's impossible to control her all day long.
Thank you for reading.
Jolanta_1901 wrote:
Thu Jul 07, 2022 3:11 pm
Breezey wrote:
Sun Jul 03, 2022 10:14 am
Jolanta_1901 wrote:
Fri Jul 01, 2022 10:47 pm


Not at all Breezey.
English is my second language so my understanding is sometimes messed up. I've got your idea of the POA. Sure my husband's right to make decisions about his mum is limited. She blames him for "putting her in hospital" and for inviting carers to her home. This is not an easy one. She wants to have what she had before: my husband coming for a couple of hours for lunch and sometimes more. But she is definitely frailer now, that would not be sustainable. I hope SSerivces will be able to convince her to accept at least 2 visits of carers a day.
Thank you for your replies again.
Your English is great Jolanta
I love your name, it is very nice and I am sure I wouldn't do anywhere near as well writing in your first language!

I am not sure, you will need to google it, but social services or the GP might be able to override POA to place a person in a home, I could be wrong but it's worth doing a search.

If she absolutely adamant about not having POA, it needs to be clear to hear what happens without it.

He needs to have the forms ready in the car to sign just in case she agrees to it but there also needs to be an independent person who has known your mother for more than 2 years to double check she knows what it means and she isn't doing it under duress and has the capacity to make that decision.
That needs to be done as soon as possible after she agrees and signs the forms so she doesn't get cold feet and change her mind.

Then if she is still opposed to it, she has made her choice and it is out of your husbands hands.
Thank you, that's very kind of you.
As for POA, I think there may be some doubts if MIL is in capacity to do that. She is usually of quite a sound mind, but not always. She has had months of in and out of delirium (infections), that's why she was deprived of liberty at hospital. I think her GP would have doubts. So the time for independent decisions is gone, most probably.
Not the case Jolanta, delirium is temporary state caused by infections and normal state of mind returns when recovered. My mother has had many turns of delirium through infections and once from sepsis in hospital but recovered and has full capacity of mind and decision making.
The problem with delirium that has been linked to infections is that it clouds everything else. In our case, the hospital say the effects can last months and so the Parkinsons team won't do a review unless he's still confused after about 6 months. Obviously he's unlikely to be here then but also highly unlikely not to have suffered another infection by then!
Breezey wrote:
Tue Jul 19, 2022 10:11 am
Jolanta_1901 wrote:
Thu Jul 07, 2022 3:11 pm
Breezey wrote:
Sun Jul 03, 2022 10:14 am


Your English is great Jolanta
I love your name, it is very nice and I am sure I wouldn't do anywhere near as well writing in your first language!

I am not sure, you will need to google it, but social services or the GP might be able to override POA to place a person in a home, I could be wrong but it's worth doing a search.

If she absolutely adamant about not having POA, it needs to be clear to hear what happens without it.

He needs to have the forms ready in the car to sign just in case she agrees to it but there also needs to be an independent person who has known your mother for more than 2 years to double check she knows what it means and she isn't doing it under duress and has the capacity to make that decision.
That needs to be done as soon as possible after she agrees and signs the forms so she doesn't get cold feet and change her mind.

Then if she is still opposed to it, she has made her choice and it is out of your husbands hands.
Thank you, that's very kind of you.
As for POA, I think there may be some doubts if MIL is in capacity to do that. She is usually of quite a sound mind, but not always. She has had months of in and out of delirium (infections), that's why she was deprived of liberty at hospital. I think her GP would have doubts. So the time for independent decisions is gone, most probably.
Not the case Jolanta, delirium is temporary state caused by infections and normal state of mind returns when recovered. My mother has had many turns of delirium through infections and once from sepsis in hospital but recovered and has full capacity of mind and decision making.
Thank you for your explanation. I think that's the case with MIL at the moment. Infections are gone, and she is much more stable on her feet. This is very good as he doesn't need carers 4 times a day but just once (result of OT and SS assessment). However, even once a day seems o be a problem for her because she needs to start paying for care from tomorrow. She says carers are hopeless, she pays for nothing. But to have carers in the morning is very helpful for my husband and me.
I'm afraid her guilt trips will continue. She is already accusing my OH that he is being paid for putting her in hospital earlier in May and inviting carers to her house after she was discharged. For now, I agrred to pop in at lunchtime to her, probably once a week to do some basic cleaning, perhaps cooking, just to give my husband some respite. TBH, I'm scared of her criticism, bitterness and guilt trips. I'm also worried that she can complain about me to my OH and that will only make things worse. But I think it's worth trying. Husband is tired, he's done more than anybody would expect from him. I need to put some thick skin on. Easier said than done...