Permanent stress with Mother-in-Law

[Melly1]

Jolanta,

Attendance allowance is approximately £60 for lower rate and £90 for higher rate - and the Living wage £9.50 an hour ...

Melly1

[Jolanta_1901]

Jolanta,

Attendance allowance is approximately £60 for lower rate and £90 for higher rate - and the Living wage £9.50 an hour ...

Melly1

Thank you Melly1 for your calculation. I know it looks weird and I'm not sure what I should do. It doesn't look right to be tied to your parents financially however slim the money is. There should be two independent budgets: MIL's and ours. I can predict what happens if my husband tells MIL to fund her own care entirely. She would probably say: But I sacrificed so much for you! I paid for your education, I never went on holiday blah blah... Good grief, this is so sick.

[bowlingbun]

Her attitude is horrible.

What she gave your husband was what any parent would do, to give their child the best start in life.
She should be encouraging him to live his OWN life, with you, happy, fulfilled, travelling, etc. etc.

Not chained to an elderly mother who doesn't appear to love him?

Does she have over £23,000 in savings - that's the Social Services limit for help with care?

[Jolanta_1901]

Her attitude is horrible.

What she gave your husband was what any parent would do, to give their child the best start in life.
She should be encouraging him to live his OWN life, with you, happy, fulfilled, travelling, etc. etc.

Not chained to an elderly mother who doesn't appear to love him?

Does she have over £23,000 in savings - that's the Social Services limit for help with care?

I can't agree more. My husband has been visiting her almost every day and sometimes several times a day since June 2018 when she had a fall. Before that, he visited almost every day but we still managed to go on holiday for a week or so. Going on hols together stopped 4 years ago. A few months after we got married, MIL told my husband she needed him to call her 3(!) times a day to check on her. I accepted that because I knew she didn't feel safe in general. But now when I am writing this, I can see how manipulative and disruptive it is. The calls are usually short but when she demanded them, she was in very good shape for a person in her 80s. She was able to go to town shopping on the bus, she was seeing her friends... At the moment, I would agree, that my husband needs to check on her several times a day but 5 years ago it was not necessary for sure. He was told off for not calling her several times.
Most probably she's got more than £23,000 in savings.

[bowlingbun]

Given her age and frailty, your husband should have a discussion with his mum about finances and POA.
Does MIL have a pendant arlarm? Then in times of genuine emergency she could coltact the call centre.
It is ridiculous having to make all those calls.
Why not put the answerphone on if she gets a pendant alarm. Say I'll call you at 6pm tonight.
Do NOT fall into the trap of saying because...
She has no right to decide what he does and does not do in his life.

Has he ever had counselling? It helped my when I was struggling with my mum.

[Jolanta_1901]

Given her age and frailty, your husband should have a discussion with his mum about finances and POA.
Does MIL have a pendant arlarm? Then in times of genuine emergency she could coltact the call centre.
It is ridiculous having to make all those calls.
Why not put the answerphone on if she gets a pendant alarm. Say I'll call you at 6pm tonight.
Do NOT fall into the trap of saying because...
She has no right to decide what he does and does not do in his life.

Has he ever had counselling? It helped my when I was struggling with my mum.

POA and finances are almost taboos. My OH tried to sort out POA and it doesn't work. MIL changing her mind all the time, the hassle of all of that, I'm just not getting involved.
Yes, she has had an alarm pendant for 4 years now and it does the job. Phone calls are a nuisance as MIL has suddenly lost some hearing due to wax in her ears (confirmed by a paramedic). But when my husband invited a private nurse to unblock MIL's ears for 40 quid, she refused so now they are screaming at each other on the phone. OK, I can survive calls because she needs to be reminded about taking her medicines but finances need to be sorted out.
We are trying to plan a holiday. Looks like I go with the kids, he stays at home but well... it is up to him to sort out respite care. I can help to find a carer but he needs to be willing to discuss things with MIL which almost for sure will be difficult.
I'm now pretty sure about one thing: our money can't be touched in terms of paying for MIL's care as long as she has enough of her own savings.

[Witch hazel]

Its hard isn't it ... my MIL has 3 sons; I am married to one, another b@ggered off to Australia and the 3rd just b@ggered off ... She has 4x daily care visits a day, but otherwise me and hubby do it all ... lifeline calls, shopping, laundry, paperwork, liaising with other agencies, medical services, care agencies etc ... just today I have received a letter to renew her council tax relief and last week it was accompanying her with a visit from speech therapist.

If you haven't already applied, get on with an attendance allowance application, to atleast cover your costs for visiting/supporting her, although she must be told this money is for you, as it goes into her account, so she will need to pay you.

Sounds like you need to get Adult Care out to assess her and see what help she qualifies for. Is she able to pay or under the threshold for adult care to help with costs. Sadly, her abilities will only decline, so if you can get some help in place through a care agency now, even if only 1 or 2 days a week, it will enable you to extend this if/when she needs additional care in future. She might not like it, as my MIL is very resistant to any changes, but your hubby needs to get over the "guilt trip" she is playing on him and man up.

I told my hubby some time ago that I would do anything for his Mother, but he must remember I married him in sickness and health, not her, and he soon realised his loyalty to me, outweighed his loyalty to her. Sometimes you need to stand up to hubby as well, and if you also need to remind the MIL that if it wasn't for your and her son's support, she would no longer be able to stay independently at home, then that also need to be said to her face, and repeated, regardless of how small she may make you feel.

What would happen if your hubby stayed away for a day ... would it threaten her life, safety ....? Or just her self-esteem knowing you and he are not at her beck and call all the time ... Tell him to try it ... if she calls you or presses her pendant, ring her back, ask whats wrong, tell her you have a life and need to live it ... it might upset her but she needs to learn to appreciate you again for what you are giving her.

We went away for a few days last month, for the first time in 3 years, partly due to covid, but also as we know MIL is reliant on knowing she can call us and didn't want to not be here. Although it was at the back of our minds throughout, she knew we were not 15 minutes away, and didn't call us at all. We told her the only other option if she was in trouble while we were away, was to ring the lifeline alarm and she would likely end up in hospital, then have to be assessed to see if she could manage at home again ... very harsh but true if there are no family to run when they call ...

[Jolanta_1901]

Its hard isn't it ... my MIL has 3 sons; I am married to one, another b@ggered off to Australia and the 3rd just b@ggered off ... She has 4x daily care visits a day, but otherwise me and hubby do it all ... lifeline calls, shopping, laundry, paperwork, liaising with other agencies, medical services, care agencies etc ... just today I have received a letter to renew her council tax relief and last week it was accompanying her with a visit from speech therapist.

If you haven't already applied, get on with an attendance allowance application, to atleast cover your costs for visiting/supporting her, although she must be told this money is for you, as it goes into her account, so she will need to pay you.

Sounds like you need to get Adult Care out to assess her and see what help she qualifies for. Is she able to pay or under the threshold for adult care to help with costs. Sadly, her abilities will only decline, so if you can get some help in place through a care agency now, even if only 1 or 2 days a week, it will enable you to extend this if/when she needs additional care in future. She might not like it, as my MIL is very resistant to any changes, but your hubby needs to get over the "guilt trip" she is playing on him and man up.

I told my hubby some time ago that I would do anything for his Mother, but he must remember I married him in sickness and health, not her, and he soon realised his loyalty to me, outweighed his loyalty to her. Sometimes you need to stand up to hubby as well, and if you also need to remind the MIL that if it wasn't for your and her son's support, she would no longer be able to stay independently at home, then that also need to be said to her face, and repeated, regardless of how small she may make you feel.

What would happen if your hubby stayed away for a day ... would it threaten her life, safety ....? Or just her self-esteem knowing you and he are not at her beck and call all the time ... Tell him to try it ... if she calls you or presses her pendant, ring her back, ask whats wrong, tell her you have a life and need to live it ... it might upset her but she needs to learn to appreciate you again for what you are giving her.

We went away for a few days last month, for the first time in 3 years, partly due to covid, but also as we know MIL is reliant on knowing she can call us and didn't want to not be here. Although it was at the back of our minds throughout, she knew we were not 15 minutes away, and didn't call us at all. We told her the only other option if she was in trouble while we were away, was to ring the lifeline alarm and she would likely end up in hospital, then have to be assessed to see if she could manage at home again ... very harsh but true if there are no family to run when they call ...

Thank you very much for your very kind reply! Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I do apologize for not replying earlier. A lot of things have happened since I entered this forum last time. MIL has been at hospital for about 3 weeks now. Combination of back fracture, anemia and being underweight. There were 2 bouts of UTI.
I'm sorry for her but I'm glad we have had a bit of a break from care. She will be back in a few days at her home with a care package. But probably my hubby would need to spend a couple of nights with her to make sure she would be ok with getting out of bed and using her commode. She is able to make just a few steps with a frame. She gets more and more confused and has regular outbursts of anger towards my OH. She accuses him of forcing her into hospital. Guilt trips happen very often. She is under the deprivation of liberty because she was trying to get out of hospital a number of times. My husband does not have POA because basically, she doesn't trust anyone. Potentially very difficult time ahead for our family. At least, she will have carers for free for 6 weeks to start with.
Thank you for reading this.

[bowlingbun]

Jolanta, she should not be discharged home in that state.
The NHS has rules about a "safe discharge" and it sounds like these are being ignored.
If she needs overnight care, the hospital should arrange it.

[Jolanta_1901]

Jolanta, she should not be discharged home in that state.
The NHS has rules about a "safe discharge" and it sounds like these are being ignored.
If she needs overnight care, the hospital should arrange it.

Thank you. They are not sure yet about the discharge. Physio and OP would like to mobilize her as much as possible. They succeded a little but then MIL caught another UTI. Toilet trips are the most important. MIL's outbursts of verbal aggression towards my OH sadly happen on a regular basis. She keeps saying she would sort out care for herself by inviting an Easter European live-in carer. Well, she is not aware of Brexit complications, the war and the rising cost of living. The good thing is SServices are now involved and my husband is getting well-deserved support.