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On Hold - Page 6 - Carers UK Forum

On Hold

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
69 posts
I'd much rather have a good, long cuddle and a cry than a medal, but I know what you mean, it's okay.

We're not 'saints' or 'unsung heroes' or 'angels' ... we just want to be ourselves. Well, I do anyway, I want to be the person I used to be. I just want to be happy again. As time goes on and our carees get older, they become more difficult to look after (my hubby does that's for sure), but then the time is passing and theirs' is getting all the nearer, so we should be spending that time being happy and having good times.

It's not as easy as it sounds though, is it?
This post is making me think maybe we SHOULD all be opening up a bit more to family/friends about how we feel and how we need help sometimes. I think some people have been carers for so long that they just get on with it and don't actually know HOW to mention it to others.

Here's me saying this ..... and I only say it on here! Image Image I put on a brave face away from here so I guess it's my own fault really.

It also highlights the need for Carers Assessments and for something to be actually DONE when people DO open up to social workers/GPs etc. I had a Carers Assessment years ago but nothing changed whatsoever.
re.Carers Assessments.
I contacted the Carers Assessment team earlier this year. I told them I was unable to think straight, after my younger son's death,and that I would appreciate some support, pointing out that I still had to be a Carer 24/7(oncall when I am not actively caring).
I was told they could do nothing to help me.
If they could not help then,at a time when I did not even want to get out of bed in the mornings, then what would it take to help a Carer?
(They were aware of all the family circumstances).
hi lazydaisy
a group called' crossroads' would be able to sit your caree while you went out.
i've not used them myself but i've heard they're very good.
google the website for more info
take care
This post is making me think maybe we SHOULD all be opening up a bit more to family/friends about how we feel and how we need help sometimes. I think some people have been carers for so long that they just get on with it and don't actually know HOW to mention it to others.

Here's me saying this ..... and I only say it on here! Image Image I put on a brave face away from here so I guess it's my own fault really.

It also highlights the need for Carers Assessments and for something to be actually DONE when people DO open up to social workers/GPs etc. I had a Carers Assessment years ago but nothing changed whatsoever.
Hi Penny,

For me me I have asked for help the reply I got from my sister is she is busy???? busy at being single & no ties my Bro since May has told me now not to contact him again??? all I asked is that he helps his mum out other family cannot be bothered mainly because she choose to live like this & she is just spoilt my doc & my mums docs are not bothered ss are always on my case I want it to end !!!!!! 10 years & no change but it has a gr8 impact on my life which I want back. Image Image
I'm looking at this discussion from a different angle. I was carer for my Nan from 1988 until she passed away in 2008. At first commuting from Staffordshire to South London, until she moved in 1997 to be closer to me. There was very little help available so I can see how we all feel as though we've had part of our lives taken away, the effect caring has on our own lives and our families, it all takes it's toll.
Losing my Nan left a gaping void in my life, so much time on my hands and so much time for reflection, feeling pretty useless, the whole regime and structure of my life had been taken from under me. I've had my moans and groans and felt guilty for doing so as so many of us do. It's easy to look at the things you'd like to do , it's a darn sight harder to do them and enjoy them when the one you've loved and looked after for so long is no longer there.

Apologies if I've gone slightly off topic, just my thoughts and feelings.

Karen
I've been trying to rack my mashedbananabrain for the right term for myself based on this topic and I've finally come up with the correct phrase to describe what I've got.

BROKEN SPIRIT

is the term I've come up with. Hubby says I've lost my sparkle, which is what he said a year ago and yes, I have. I have flashes of brightness and humour you might say, on here - not at home. But a broken spirit is what I've got. Broken spirit and no sparkle any more.
There have been times in my life when i have been deeply depressed , times when people i love have been suffering or when grief at the loss of someone i loved (still love) has felt unbearable and all encompassing but I can honestly say that i have never felt my life was on hold, more like it was and is hurtling towards a future that i have very little control over.

When my husband had his second brain haemorrhage and our lives changed so suddenly i can remember that for several months after i would go to sleep at night holding him and wishing we would never wake up. The loss of what we had had, of what i hoped we would have (we were both in our twenties), was so great I could not see our future. Then one night i was woken by him having a seizure. I had not been prepared for this and we both assumed he was having another haemorrhage. I remember him saying to me," if this it it i love you" and I remember holding his hand and begging God for him to pull through and promising that if he did i was going to fight back and make a life for us..that i would not let myself be a victim.

That night changed me. I decided that my life might not be the one i had hoped for but no amount of crying or despair would change it. There was no cavalry or if there was it was me.

And so i have tried on the whole (not always successfully) to treasure what i do have in my life and not to dwell on what i havent. And to my surprise i remember realising when i was in my thirties that i was sort of happy, something i never thought i would be ever again

There have been good times and bad over the last twenty years but this year has been one of the hardest. First my husband broke his hip and was diagnosed with osteoporosis (as if all the other problems he has weren't enough), then just when he was back on his feet (after several months of hoists and horrible carers) , my sister was diagnosed with lung cancer. For over 12 months all i did was care for the various members of my family. But i still did not feel my life was on hold more that i was fighting with every fibre of my being for my family's survival.

And now my sister is recovering and i have a few hours a week respite from caring for my husband.

I feel strangely, vividly alive, acutely aware of the fragility of life, and at the same time somehow greedy for it. I cry at inconvenient times and am having terrible nightmares but i also feel that my family has been given a reprieve, that i must, that i do treasure every moment with them.

I am too frightened to think of the future and the past is too painful and that only leaves the present to live in. i feel i have no time to waste, the important thing is to spend time with those i love and also to spend some time doing things that i love, even if that time is limited.

As a teenager i had my own pony. I don't have the time (or money) to have my own horse now so i looked on the internet for people who might need help with their horses and I am now helping to look after two horses during my respite and I am loving it. The countryside, the animals make me somehow feel connected to life. The world seems full of wonder as well as horror. The other day i sat rapt for several minutes in my car watching a group of sparrows bathing in a muddy puddle.


A quote from Dennis Potter when he was dieing:

[quote]Below my window in Ross, when I’m working in Ross, for example, there at this season, the blossom is out in full now, there in the west early. It’s a plum tree, it looks like apple blossom but it’s white, and looking at it, instead of saying “Oh that’s nice blossomâ€
EXC - yes, you gave a totally positive reply thank you! I am glad you and your son can travel and do things together and have fun and ever widening horizons. Will you be away for the Festive Season?

oh and em, sometime, do you want to explain your avatar to me? No, i know its none of my business ... but no harm in asking?
Hi Audrey, yes we will be heading south over the holidays, to meet with people we love and care for deeply, including my uncle who is now quite aged and my cousins and their children, some of whom I have never met.
I think there are some good things about caring, (otherwise why do it?) but it is all about cultivating a positive mental attitude. I have good days and not so good ones like everyone else, but mostly I think my caring role keeps me focused on what is important in life. The Avatar I chose is from a film, I was looking for a picture like this for a long time before I stumbled on it: it shows a hero carrying a sword which to me represents protectiveness and active magic: all the positives of caring: not weakness but strength. I have never felt downtrodden nor a victim, and to me caring is a positive decision, a choice, not a burden.
For the avoidance of doubt - thats a thank you!
You're very welcome Audrey Image

But i think maybe it should be me thanking you and other members of this forum who post more regularly than i do. I sometimes feel guilty of taking far more than i give to this forum.

with very best wishes

Belle x
69 posts