On Hold

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
69 posts
Nilla on our Silver Wedding three years ago we couldn't even get out for a meal on our own so I know how you feel. Image
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Audrey, I know I am not offended.
I have thought about it.Yes I feel guilty for thinking about it from time to time,but sometimes I need to remember that somewhere here I am Jane, not just a wife,mother and Carer.
Audrey - I don't think you have upset anyone so please don't worry. You are just being honest and I think honesty is the best policy as they say!

I thought about this thread yesterday. A couple of friends were saying how they are really looking forward to when they retire to do all the things they want to, go where they want to and eat, drink, sleep when they want to.

I'm afraid I kept very quiet (most unlike me!! Image ) because when I reach retirement age I can't see my life being any different to how it is now. I'll still be a carer, I'll still have to work around bad moods & tempers, I'll still have to do the bulk of everything and I'll still have all the worry associated with it and what happens to DD after we've gone.

Sorry to sound gloomy .... would you believe I'm actually in a great mood today Image
I've been here too, Audrey. I've also found that it doesn't help matters any when you could really use a break because you are having a bad day with the pain and everything but you can't have one because no one is there or even prepared to step in for a few hours.

Many a night, I've sat here at my PC and thought of just leaving this place, heading down to London and changing my name just to get away from it all - I haven't got a clue what I'd do with all the "spare time" that would create.

Don't feel bad about putting things in your book. It's actually a good idea to do it because it'll not only give you a chance to have a little Audrey time but also it will remind you that "Hey, I'm a person too. I do have things I enjoy doing" (It's surprising how easy it is to see yourself as a carer as opposed to a person with thoughts, feelings and needs of her own) and on a bad day, it might be a big factor in helping you to feel better if you opened your book and just looked at the things in it.

As hard as it is, we all need to realuse that the time will come when we are no longer carers and because of the demanding role that we have played for X number of years, to suddenly wake up in a morning and see 12 hours of day stretching into the horizon and nothing to fill them with can be a terrible shock to us so having something to look forward to when and if you are ever in this position can also only be a good thing for you.
[Many a night, I've sat here at my PC and thought of just leaving this place, heading down to London and changing my name just to get away from it all - I haven't got a clue what I'd do with all the "spare time" that would create. ]quote, Summer Hope.

It is good to see that others feel the same way. I have felt just the same.
My heart has been breaking reading many of the replies on this topic. I so understand how many of you feel and admire the courage it takes to openly speak about your feelings. I know I have in the past thought them myself.

When Mum was alive I could see no end to the strange life I was leading....living in one country and caring for someone in another, the endless phone calls, organising, arguments with family and of course the countless trips to and fro each month. Compared to many though, my life must have seemed a doddle. I knew that Tony and I would only have our life back if one thing happened...and of course that was if Mum no longer needed me and the only way that was going to be was if she had passed away. I loved Mum despite her failings in parenting and to me, in a stupid way I began to think she was immortal. She was suffering pain that I could not control or help with. She was begging me to let her die. She had a big black depression which I could fully understand, but each time she seemed to reach rock bottom, something inside her just brought her right back up again.
Then it happened...I had the call to say that her body was closing down. As I sat with her those last 2 days, I would have given my right arm to have Mum back in good health but at the same time I knew that I would also have that sense of relief when it was over. Perhaps that makes me a bad person, I don't know.

Within days of Mum passing we became carers for dear Miss Daisey. Everyone knows how much I loved that wonderful lady. We both cared for her daily and the input needed became more and more it seemed each day. There were nights though when I closed her gate and bid her sweet dreams that I would think to myself that our lives could be like this for many years and we would never again have the freedom to do what we wanted to do, or to simply go somewhere without having that feeling of guilt that resulted in me phoning home ever 20 minutes or so! Then again it happened and my dear Miss Daisey fell and never recovered from the fall which triggered off problems with her heart. Now there isn't a day goes by that I don't think of her and I know Tony does the same. I feel extremely guilty that I could have even thought those things at the time and wish that I could have her back here with us but that isn't going to happen.

We are all human and it is I'm sure, only human to think of ourselves from time to time. I know we did the best we could for both my Mum and dear Miss Daisey when they were alive, despite whatever thoughts went through my mind from time to time. Being a carer doesn't turn us into Saints...we're just ordinary people with ordinary needs and aspirations.

Nowadays I understand more about caring and appreciate the terrific "jobs" that people do day after day after day. I guess I do have my "life back" now but I do like to think that when I do something I am sharing it with Miss Daisey even though she isn't physically there!

RIP dear special lady.

Bell x
Well I'll never get my life back, never do all the things we planned for our retirement before this nasty, insiduous thing that rules our lives stole all our dreams and the man I love, while leaving only a shell behind.
So, one day, I'll get A life back............................but it won't be mine.
Many carers are in that same place.Lives on hold.Often loosing so many years into the bargain.
that's what really upsets me.
the years we cannot get back Image Image
Can ever there be any compensation for a spent lifetime?.The loves we never had?.Chances missed.
Is there any possible was to begin to redress the loss of potential,the dreams we can never see come to be?.

Can there ever be anyway to even put into words the awfull rage,injustice,sence of anger some carers feel as they not only loose time of life,but are not given anything like a credible income?.

I can only hug my fellow carers here,if i could,We are edging through our lifetime a day at a time.
69 posts