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How can i help mum?? - Carers UK Forum

How can i help mum??

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Hi there

I'm 36 and worried about my mum (66) as she's found herself caring for my grandad who has dementia (not reallllly bad but he's set fire to a flower bed this morning with his cigarette and doesn't know if it's lunchtime or dinnertime and can't prepare his meals etc. He does clean and toilet fine but occasionally has accidents).

When we lost my nan in 2012, overnight mum got "promoted" to nans place and I was demoted to mum's (he only can have a favourite who's meeting his needs and others he'll take or leave).
When we were young, mum dad nan grandad put funds together to get a house.
Mum and dad mortgaged their share, my grandparents put in cash.
My parents are now split but not divorced, as once divorced dad needs paying off ie the house needs to be sold. After clearing the mortgage mums share after paying him off is insufficient to pay off her share of the mortgage and dad and have money to get a new home. She's too old for a mortgage. I don't qualify for one on my own and have no savings and wouldn't do it together as I have to ensure I don't wind up like she is now...

He's constantly attached to her and she has to love his elderly life with him. He won't get a bus or go for a walk or get a mobility scooter. He pays for mums car so sees it he has a chauffeur and a maid.
Her mental health has suffered, she's depressed, she has no life and feels guilty if she "escapes" for a moment.

After the fire incident this morning I'm worried for their safety as my mum is getting to the end of her tether but will never stop because its so deeply engrained that she owes it to him.

Not only does she not want to put him in a home, they can't afford it.
If they sold up to fund it, she'd have nowhere to live and that's her inheritance to ensure she will have somewhere to live if/when he goes.
He wouldn't let a carer in I'm sure of it and again... Money...

She hasn't got a passport it's been that long since her last holiday and that was with him. She won't go to visit friends in the South of the UK because who will look after him? I'll make meals etc but it takes it toll on me as I have a mental health condition. I moved into a rented flat as living there was very intense and I felt helpless to mum.
My sister lives away and mum's an only child.

They get all the allowances they're entitled to, they paid someone to sort that out and that helps.
But what else is available to her please??

She isnt computer literate but she can use fb and I think a fb group of people like u guys would sooooo help her. Can u recommend any please??

Thanks in advance xxx
Welcome to the forum.
How old is grandad? It sounds like he is blackmailing and bullying mum?
As mum is living in the house and over 60, the council would completely DISREGARD the value of the house if he needed residential care. It doesn't count for carers coming into the house either.
HI Sacha,

Welcome to the forum.

Carers Uk does have a Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/carersuk

They also have a helpline which can tailor advice to you and your Mum's caring situation
Our telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (advice@carersuk.org)
Melly1
I'm concerned that "they paid someone to sort that all out" in relation to benefits. No one should have to pay!

Does Grandad have over £23,000 in savings?
Is he getting Attendance Allowance?

Be sure to check with mum.
Does mum have Power of Attorney?
Is she an only child, who will inherit grandad's share of the house?
Has mum had a Carers Assessment from Social Services?

She does NOT have to be grandad's slave, or chauffeur!
She needs to get out and about.
Does grandad have an emergency call pendant?
Grandad expects it, but he isn't necessarily bullying her, he's always been an over grown spoilt kid and now he's unwell he is the equivalent of a dependent toddler.
He is 89 tomoro.
Mum worries about everything so she did pay for someone she knows of to go through what they're entitled to benefit wise.
I don't think he qualifies for attendance allowance... Because of her matb? I'll have to ask.
Mum stuck with my dad for 25yrs and that soul'd have ended 10yrs sooner. She doesn't leave bad situations. She tolerates it as she's not motivated to leave as she fears the alternative...
She's scared to have a social life or date etc so uses grandad as an excuse too...
But it does make her unhappy.
And she does see it as her job... And I can see she believes to an extent I should do the same for her. I love her dearly but I'd never live like that. I left an abusive partner too after learning lots from my parents relationship...

Grandad is leaving everything to my sister and I to give to mum once she's divorced.
She's found out about potentially getting a divorce and selling up before but always finds a reason not to follow thru and forgets what she was told and says it's too complicated.
So she's got to be an adult and manage that side of things herself. I've tried a lot to steer her and it doesn't get anywhere so she's going to have to lie in that bed...
But the situation with grandad is now getting beyond what mum can manage and she won't change it. She'll find reasons not to. After him setting the window box on fire today, I'm worried for their safety. If a window was open and a net caught fire... It scares me. And she's not living her life. She's been doing this since 2012.
Answered below!
bowlingbun wrote:
Thu Jun 02, 2022 5:51 pm
I'm concerned that "they paid someone to sort that all out" in relation to benefits. No one should have to pay!

Does Grandad have over £23,000 in savings? No
Is he getting Attendance Allowance? I don't think so...

Be sure to check with mum.
Does mum have Power of Attorney? Yes
Is she an only child, who will inherit grandad's share of the house? My sister and I will but are to give it to mum when she's divorced. She's an only child.
Has mum had a Carers Assessment from Social Services? No

She does NOT have to be grandad's slave, or chauffeur!
She needs to get out and about.
Does grandad have an emergency call pendant? No
Melly1 wrote:
Thu Jun 02, 2022 5:25 pm
HI Sacha,

Welcome to the forum.

Carers Uk does have a Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/carersuk

They also have a helpline which can tailor advice to you and your Mum's caring situation
Our telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (advice@carersuk.org)
Melly1
Is there a group though, so it's like this where she can reply to posts?
She won't call, she wouldn't want to
bowlingbun wrote:
Thu Jun 02, 2022 2:51 pm
Welcome to the forum.
How old is grandad? It sounds like he is blackmailing and bullying mum?
As mum is living in the house and over 60, the council would completely DISREGARD the value of the house if he needed residential care. It doesn't count for carers coming into the house either.
He is 89 tomorrow.
Mum lives there - so ur grandad owns half of it put right. Wouldn't they want his share to fund his care?
Mum and dad have a mortgage on the other half.
If a relative is living in the same house who is over 60 there is an exemption, the value of the house is disregarded completely.

Google "Charging for Care" and/or "Property Disregard" for details.
If dad has over £23,000 in his own name he would be expected to contribute towards the cost of his care.
Mum needs to gradually help him sort out his financial papers if they are in a muddle, as one day he is going to have to accept extra help, and Social Services will need to do a Financial Assessment.
Does mum have Power of Attorney?

It's time to look again at Attendance Allowance, especially if mum feels he's not safe to be left at home alone!
On the forum we sometimes use the term "Elderly Toddler", grandad sounds similar.
Mermaid,

Carers Uk does have a Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/carersuk why don't you show it to your Mum and see what she thinks. I don't do fb so I don't know whether it is more about Carers Uk or for people to discuss their dilemmas etc

You could help your Mum join the forum and show her how it works.
After using it with you a few times, she might be ok to read/post on her own.

Melly1