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Carers UK Forum • need to vent - Page 2
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Re: need to vent

Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2018 7:27 pm
by jenny lucas
PS - if you think he isn't controlling, try swapping the 'you made me feel so nervous' that he comes out with to the really chilling,

'You made me angry with you by disobeying me so I have to beat you to a pulp now'......

See????!!!!! Exactly the same mindset - an absolute refusal to take responsibility for their own reactions and feelings. Blaming others, and then punishing them (in your case with 'prison at his side', in the bullies' case with bodily harm....)

Two different faces of the same thing....

Realising that similarity may help you 'resist' the emotional and physical imprisonment your husband is trying on with you.

Re: need to vent

Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2018 5:06 pm
by AnimalLover
I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. My own gastritis/acid reflux/whatever is in turmoil now - great burning pain in my stomach from all this. I have to learn not to be so affected. But I AM going (to see a live broadcast of The King and I). Hopefully I'll calm down once I'm there and deal with this kind of thing better next time. I feel bad, I feel guilty, I feel very angry.

Re: need to vent

Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2018 5:36 pm
by jenny lucas
"I have to learn not to be so affected"

This is key. He's going to be unhappy whatever you do, so YOU might as well have a good evening!

It's really hard, I know, to 'blank' what he will be 'broadcasting' to you (the 'I'm not happy!' 'outrage' that he will be feeling), but you DO need to 'desensitise yourself' to his moods and behaviour.

Remember, the 'malign' aspect of his personality (the 'controller') (which is NOT the 'real him', but the one his fears allow to dominate him) will WANT you to feel 'damned' either way. It's called gaslighting! Look it up!

But don't look it up now. Now, head off tor the evening and really ENJOY!

(Altogether now - Shall we DANCE....tra la la!' I defy you not to be humming that all the way home. Oh for a HUGE crinoline to swing about me as I dance it!!!!!!!)

Re: need to vent

Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2018 4:55 pm
by AnimalLover
I went - it was great - came home - no problem. All that grief and anxiety for nothing. Thanks for your encouragement, Jenny.

Re: need to vent

Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2018 5:04 pm
by bowlingbun
Well done, now get into the habit of doing this, so it's never a big deal again.

Re: need to vent

Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2018 5:24 pm
by jenny lucas
Lovely! So pleased.

If he was 'good' about it (ie, not moaning as much or at all), why not 'reward' him with a 'treat' that is just for him, and say thank you for being so understanding darling, I really really appreciate it!

That might work wonders?!

Re: need to vent

Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2018 5:25 pm
by jenny lucas
PS - start planning your next outing straight away! If you like these live broadcasts, then why not make it a 'regular thing' so your husband knows that you always have 'another one' in your diary. If he gets used to that, he may take it more easily. Maybe he fears you'll be off clubbing or whatever instead (!!!!) so simply going to the movies for something 'special' is a lot 'safer' for him